Two antennas got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent!
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
For Halloween, a classmate dressed up as a stormtrooper and shot up the school.
Don’t worry, no one got hurt.
What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish
Working at an unemployment office must be so tense.
Even if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.
Webster’s dictionary recently changed the spelling of Aquarius to “Ahquarius.”
This is the donning of the "h" of Ahquarius.
Knock knock
Who's there? To. To who? (Shakes head) To whom.
Sumida Aquarium eels are forgetting what humans look like and hiding from workers
https://ift.tt/2VXoHBe
Why did the sun never go to college?
It already has thousands of degrees.
A girl told me her pussy tasted like a rainbow
Found out she meant trout, not Skittles
I was mugged by 6 dwarves last night
Not Happy
Why was the basketball court wet?
Everyone was dribbling on it.
To save his business, my butcher is trying an experimental process where he gives his cows magic mushrooms before slaughtering them.
Let's just say…the steaks are high.
Someone’s going to have to put an end to this Epstein meme craze.
Cause it’s not gonna kill itself.
So, this dude was walking down a beach and kicked a lamp, and a magic genie pops out.
The genie gives him the old "you freed me, so I will grant you a wish" thing that genies do. So the guy says "I love riding my motorcycle. I would love to ride it around the world. Can you build a highway that connects the entire world together?" The genie pauses for a moment, and with a look of disappointment tells the guy "while I am in fact a mighty powerful genie, not all wishes can be granted. A wish of that magnitude is impossible. Think of something else". The guy thinks for a moment and says "ya know what Gene? I love reading reddit. One of my favorite subreddits is r/jokes, but all that is there are reposts. Can you get some new material on there for me?" The genie replies "Ok…..so was that a two lane, or four lane highway?"
Did you hear about the cow who jumped over the barbed wire fence?
It was udder destruction.
Why can’t you trust an atom?
Because they make up everything.
What do you call a boat made of penises and potatoes?
A dictatorship =3
My grocery store had a great deal on baked sweets today
It’s really been a great cake day
I tried calling the tinnitus hotline but there was no answer.
It just kept ringing.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
Steven Hawking said there is no God,
Then God said there is no Steven Hawking
A teenage girl was being intimate with her boyfriend
At her parents house. Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them. "Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "…I'm sorry" The dad being a dad replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!" He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"
Two books meet in a Library. One says ‘ You don’t look too well ‘ and the other replies..
… Just had my Appendix removed.
Her: I want to wake up next to you the rest of my life
Him : I’m a programmer Her : Never mindProgrammersNeverSleep
Bro, can you pass me that leaflet?
Brochure.
My wife said I had no sense of direction…
So I packed my bag and right
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge." "I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."
You really shouldn’t watch any horror movie today
It may, Fri 10 you.
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
Why don’t Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?
Because they make the toys.
#929: A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 9 children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "You know if you put a piece of rubber on the end of your stick I wouldn't have to listen to that tapping." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the fucking bus.
What did one butt cheek say to the other?
Together, we can stop this shit.
