Two cannibals were eating an entitled kid
One says to the other," Does this taste a bit spoiled?"
“Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in reading!”
Dad: That’s a D, idiot.
I thought I dipped my tortilla chip into a bowl of cheese sauce, but it turned out to be honey mustard.
It was a queso mistaken identity.
I downloaded all the music to the movie Titanic.
It's syncing now.
My son is now at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else now.
I was feeling lonely, so i bought some shares.
It's much nicer having some company.
My instructor just told me that I’m not cut out to be a mime
It must have been something I said
Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there's not mushroom!
I can’t believe that even after 15 years of the show ending, people are still making “Friends” references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Some bloke just threw a glass of milk at me…
I thought, how dairy
Why do valley girls hang out in odd numbered groups?
Because they can't even.
2 antennas got married last week. The wedding was kinda lame….
But the reception was amazing.
Watched a movie in 1440p for the first time yesterday.
It was my new year's resolution.
When I was a boy..
My momma would send me down to the corner store with 1$ and I'd come back with 5 potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea, and 6 eggs. You can't do that now… Too many fuckin' security cameras.
What did the necrophiliac get after his wife died?
Mourning wood.
Saw this on a frozen pizza. Both funny and sad that they have to put a warning on it.
https://ift.tt/2PUdfDS
Why did the American start shooting the river?
He learned fish swim in schools
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
One requires tweetment and the other requires oinkment.
I’ve recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm currently working knights.
What concert cost 45¢
50¢ ft. Nickelback.
How come you never see pigs hiding in trees?
Because they’re good at it.
My neighbor just got arrested for growing weed in his back yard.
Apparently my property line isn’t where I thought it was.
A woman tells her doctor, “Kiss me!”
The doctor says, "What? Why would I do something like that?" The woman says again, "Kiss me now!" The doctor replies, "Certainly not!" The woman demands a third time, "Doctor, I want you to kiss me!" The doctor answers, "No! It's unprofessional, highly unethical, and to be honest we probably shouldn't even be having sex right now!"
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”
A man’s lifelong dream was to meet the pope.
For years and years, he scrimped, scrounged, and saved up all his money for a lavish trip to Italy. Wanting to look his best for the pontiff, he had a custom-fitted suit tailored to his exact measurements and bought the finest Italian leather boots money could buy. The next morning he awoke before the dawn to make his way to Vatican City to meet the pope on his morning walk through his crowd of devout followers. He pushed his way to the front of the crowd, wanting to get as close to the Holy Father as possible. The grand doors opened and the pope emerged, greeting his followers, shaking hands, and offering blessings. The man caught the pope's eye, and the pope smiled and started walking towards him. This was it! He was finally going to get to share words with God's representative on Earth! Just as he was approaching the man, the pope noticed a downtrodden beggar lying in the ditch opposite the man. The pope changed course, made way for the beggar, bent down, and whispered something in the poor man's ear. The beggar nodded, got up, and walked off. The pope, now on the other side of the crowd, continued on away from the man. The man was devastated. He had missed his only chance to fulfill his ultimate dream. As the crowd dispersed, he noticed the beggar in the distance. A plan emerged in his mind. He made his way up to the beggar and said, "Sir, I would like to offer you a trade. I will give you my suit, my boots, and all of the cash in my wallet in exchange for your rags and tattered shoes. I believe this act of humility is my best chance to finally meet the pope." The poor man quickly agreed, of course, and the two men traded clothes. The next morning, the man made his way back to the Vatican and proceeded to lie down in the exact spot the beggar was the day before. The grand doors opened once again, and the pontiff emerged to meet his people. As the pope was walking through the crowd, the man saw that the pope was heading his way! His plan was going to work! Sure enough, the pope came over to him, knelt down and whispered, "I thought I told you to get the fuck out of here yesterday."
My dog is really good at playing fetch
I think I’m going to promote him to branch manager
I caught my wife cheating with my best friend.
She was upset that I was always beating her, and he was jealous of how much money and property I had. I was so angry when I caught them that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.
What did the picture tell the lawyer?
Help! I’ve been framed.
What do antivax moms and responsible bartenders have in common?
They don’t give shots to babies.
Trump and Obama are getting a haircut in the same barber shop.
Donald Trump and Barack Obama end up in the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn into politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. Trump was quick to stop him saying "No way buddy, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a damn whorehouse." The second barber turned to Obama and said "How about you?" Obama replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.
My aunts sign was cancer so her death was ironic….
Eaten alive by a giant ass crab
Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident
When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they’re all priests and immediately says "If any of you are paedophile, there’s no point waiting here. Just fuck off straight to hell!" Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away. St. Peter calls after them, "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!"