Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed….
Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed …. Bill's wife was not wearing any panties! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
John admitted that, well, yes he did.
She said "You can have it, but it will cost you $100."
After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her house around 2:00 p.m. on Friday.
Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 p.m. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex, and then John left.
Bill came home about 6:00 P.M. He asked his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?"
Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."
Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $100?"
She thinks 'Oh hell, he knows!' Finally she says, "Yes, he did give me $100."
"Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back.
I adopted a dog from a blacksmith today..
First thing he did when i got him home was make a bolt for the door.
Sure, we can do something about climate change now, but if we find out in 50 years that the researchers made a mistake and that climate change doesn’t really exist…
…we would have improved air quality in all major cities, gotten rid of noisy and smelly cars, cleaned up toxic rivers and destroyed dictatorships funded on money from oil for no reason.
I’m addicted to brake fluid.
But it's ok I can stop at any time.
A girl once said about me “He’s the one!”
Granted I would have preferred she didn't say it in a police lineup. But you have to take what you get.
Asking relevant questions in class leads to 30 minute anecdotes about his personal life
https://ift.tt/2Bv17Rq
Someone broke into my house and stole my anti depression pills
I hope they're happy
A penguin is driving his car
A penguin is driving his car when he notices that the check engine light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first auto shop. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk. He sees an ice-cream shop and decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says “It looks like you blew a seal.” “No no,” the penguin replies, “it’s just vanilla ice cream."
What did the mod say to the redditor?
[removed]
The American healthcare system is as perfect as Trump’s call with the Ukrainian President
https://ift.tt/2Cdw3Go
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes
She hugged me
Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work…
And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!" But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning. Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgiving morning when she got up early to get things ready, she got an idea while preparing the turkey. Before Bob got up, she crept upstairs and placed the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself as she did so. A little later that morning, Bob woke up and went through his usual morning ritual with glee. Martha heard a scream as Bob jumped out of bed and ran into the bathroom. She laughed to herself, but when Bob didn't reappear from the bathroom for a long time she started to get concerned. So she ran upstairs and was just about to knock on the bathroom door, when Bob opened it and came out, pale as a ghost. He said, "You were right, honey, you were right! I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again!"
I’m unhappy because my neighbor’s sheep aren’t clipped properly.
I can't stand that kind of shear incompetence.
“What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
A ba-na-na-na."
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.
Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek. The old lady thinks, “I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.” The blonde thinks, “I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him.” The Frenchman thinks, “I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.” The Englishman thinks, “I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.”
1 week before Grandad died we bought him a snowboard…
…he went downhill very quickly after that.
The teacher can’t figure out who’s eating and interrupting them
The teacher can’t figure out who’s eating and interrupting them
A man walks into a bar…
then goes to the bathroom. He comes out, goes to the bartender. He says “you’ve got a great place, but my buddy was here last night, and he said you have golden urinals. Where are they?” The bartender turns to the band and yells, “Frank, I’ve got a lead on the guy who pissed in your sax!”
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
"Between you and me, something smells" (Credit to a 9 y.o. I thought it was funny)
Did you hear about the movie called constipation?
It hasn't come out yet
Tinder is the opposite of porn ads….
There are actually tons of hot singles in my area, But none of them are interested in me.
Ok boomer bad. Ban good.
This sub is for comics that display boomer humor. It is not an ok boomer sub or boomer reaction sub. Violators will be temporarily banned.
What’s the difference between an ass-kisser and a brown-noser?
Depth perception
My son called me a simp, after I googled what it meant, I said
then you're a simpson.
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Whats the name of the most badass debt collector?
Bond. Legal Bond.
My order of a dozen bees came with 13 bees
When I called customer service about it they said, “ oh that’s just a freebie.”
/u/username hates the hotel he is staying in and starts packing his stuff.
Username checks out.
Man: My girlfriend is pregnant, but I always wear a condom. How did this happen?
Doctor: Let me tell you a story; a hunter carried his gun with him everywhere he went. One day, he mistakenly grabbed his umbrella and went out. A lion attacked him and hoping to scare it off he pointed the umbrella at it like a rifle and yelled "Bang" and the lion dropped dead. Man: That's impossible, someone else must have shot it. Doctor: I'm glad you understood the story.
When does a joke become a dad-joke?
When it's apparent
Went to a zoo that only had one animal in it, and it was a dog.
It was a pretty Shih Tzu
Life is like a box of chocolates
It doesn't last long for fat people.
They say don’t go grocery shopping while you’re hungry.
But it’s been a week and I just keep getting hungrier.