Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One of them sees a tree in the distance that’s draped in bacon. “It’s a bacon tree! We’re saved!” he says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.
It wasn't a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work. (I can’t imagine this isn’t a repost, so delete if need be)
Knock Knock
Who’s there? Daisy. Daisy who? Daisy me rollin’ they hatin’
[At the wedding] Priest: Repeat after me…
Groom: After me.. Priest, looking at bride: Is he serious? Bride: No, his name is Mike.
How does a lumberjack know how many trees he’s cut down?
He keeps a log.
What did the chef say when he got hit with the seasoning?
Hey! That's a salt!
What do you call the wooden Batman?
Spruce Wayne
What Did the Janitor Say When He Jumped Out of the Closet?
"Supplies!" I'll see myself out
Teacher: Billy if there are 5 bird on a fence and you shoot 1
Teacher: Billy if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot 1 how many birds are left? Billy: None the others would fly away at the sound of the gun. Teacher: The answer is 4 but I like the way you think. Billy: I have a question Miss. There are 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 licking, 1 biting, and 1 sucking, which one is married? Teacher blushing, nervously answers “the one sucking.” Billy: The answer is the one wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you think.
My dad as we drive over train tracks.
I think a train has just passed by here…. Why do you say that dad? Well look there,points….you can see it's tracks.
What do you get when you cross dyslexic, an insominac and a agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.
I’ve been shrunken down to the size of a data cell and shoved into an iPod.
It would appear I'm in a bit of a jam.
My landlord wants to talk to me about my high heating bills every month.
I said, “Sure. My door is always open.”
Why don’t hillbillies like reverse cowgirl?
You never turn your back on your family.
Why don’t people get up early in Athens?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece. 😆
“Dad, I heard that the only way you guys could communicate with each other when you were young was landlines and snail mail.”
Dad: No, you better get your fax straight.
I’m best friend’s with 25 letters of the alphabet
I don't know why
My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name…
But I called her Bluff…
Alcohol is gay.
Cause when you have it, you can't think straight.
Five friends were sitting around, debating which Pixar movie is the greatest.
After a few hours of debate, no one was willing to concede, and it was decided that a vote must be held. Unfortunately, with so few friends present, it was clear that they would need to bring the vote to the greater public. The group decided that each friend would make a plea to the subreddit of their choice, and whoever received the most karma for it would win. Adam, already undecided himself, decided to go to /r/AskReddit. He laid out the agreement, and asked that everyone vote one their favorite movie, and the one with the most votes he would use for the his friends. Unfortunately, as the votes were split in that sub, his highest post amounted to a mere 38 points. Paul, a big proponent for the Toy Story franchise, posted to /r/nostalgia in the hopes that everyone who grew up with Toy Story would agree. Unfortunately, as there had been three sequels (with a forth on the way) it wasn't exactly considered "nostalgia" and he got downvoted into oblivion. Bill, who loved Monsters Inc., made his case using some trickery. Going to /r/news, he found a seemingly unrelated post, and made a top-level comment describing, in great detail, why Monsters Inc. was the greatest film of all time. The fact that the post was so out of context made everyone flock to it, and drew enough attention to new him over a thousand fake internet points. Mike, who loved the Incredibles movies, decided to stay in his wheelhouse. Over the course of several hours, he created each of the family members from the Incredibles in Soulcaliber VI. Finally, he photoshopped the family together, and posted it to /r/gaming. Under normal circumstances this would have skyrocketed to the top, but the format was stale, and thus only received 20k karma. Still, Mike was confident in his victory. While the other four friends came up with plans on how to maximize their karma gains, Chris sat silently. For hours he sat, making no posts, coming up with no original content. Finally, an hour before the deadline, he broke into his neighbor's house, stealing his copy of the Pixar movie "Up". He took a picture of his theft and posted it directly to /r/Jokes with the title "STOLEN". When the group got together the next day to see who got the most votes, everyone was in awe. Chris's post had over 40,000 points. "How did you know that would win?" "Easy," Chris replied. "Everyone knows stolen content on /r/Jokes gets all the Up votes."
I didn’t realize my dad used to steal board-games from the toy store.
But when I look back now, all the Clues added up.
I bought two left hand gloves
On one hand it feels great, on the other hand, not so much
My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.
So much has changed ever since my girlfriend told me we were having a baby!
For instance, my name, address, and telephone number!
Have you ever tried to eat a clock?
Its very time consuming.
Me: “75 Watts.. 60 Watts.. 100 Watts” Daughter: “what are you doing, dad??”
Me: "oh, just a bit of light reading"
North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media.
When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.
My friend fell in an Egyptian river last week, but swears he didn’t.
He was in De Nile
My wife just accused me of having zero empathy.
I don’t understand how she can feel that way.
Are you today’s date?
Because you're 10/10.
Her: Atleast invite me out to dinner.
Him: I don’t go out with married women, sorry. Her: But I am your wife? Him: I make no exceptions.
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes…
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced, He decides to grant them one wish each, before they are given their lives back. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. Slurring his words out of a misshapen mouth, he says "I want to be gorgeous," And so God snaps His fingers, and -boom!- he’s gorgeous. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line hears everyone else’s wish and starts laughing. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."
There’s only 1 rule in learning English
1.) Their our know rules
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
No text found
What do you call a sleep walking nun?
A Roamin’ Catholic
Genders are just like the twin towers…
There used to be two, but now its a sensitive subject.
An Irishman goes to the doctor’s surgery …
and he says to the doctor "Top o' the morning Doc, I've got a little problem. It's a pain like, in me arse." So the doctor says "Well we'd better have a look at it. Take your trousers and pants down." After the patient assumes the position the doctor gets a rubber glove, some lubricant and starts to examine him. He can quickly feel something not quite right, and after a bit of fiddling he manages to extract a £20 note from the Irishman's bottom. "Did you know you had a £20 note stuck up there?" He asks the man. "No doc, I did not, to be sure. I do feel a little bit better, like, but still not quite right. Will you have another look for me?" So the doctor gets back to work and sure enough he finds another £20 note, and then another. After about half an hour he finally cannot feel any more banknotes. He sits down to count the money as the man puts his clothes back on. "So, how did you manage to get £1980 in used £20 notes into your bum?" "I don't rightly know doc, but I knew I wasn't feeling too grand."
How many bones are in a human hand?
A handful.
The guys who wrote the song “Maneater” started a horse-feed delivery service.
They called it "Haulin' Oats."
