Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
"I'll never talk."
They would call it the crucifact.
I was embarrassed when my wife found out that I was playing with my son’s train set, so I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Except sphere itself.
So now I shower before every meal.
You may think it's R But his first love be the C
Guess the two of us aren't going to work out.
It might take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid this morning.
Their words, not mine.
"Hi, is my table ready?" "No, not yet sir. Do you mind waiting?" "No, that's okay." "Great, take these salads to table six then."
You probably expected a rickroll, but NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION
The stewardess stops him and says "I'm sorry sir, you're only one carrion per passenger!"
For my black jeep…
No text found
But I don’t have enough karma
When they ask, "So, what do you do for a living?" I just say, "Oh, you know… stuff."
It’s open Mike night!
It's all fingering.
…but his brother Frank was a monster.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the duck’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.” The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?” “Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,” replied Dr.Santa. “How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.” The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a Labrador. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.” Dr.Santa turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!” The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $10, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”
Marriage you wanna?
Doctor: Wow! That’s the worst case of Parking Son’s disease I have ever seen.
It was a complete waist of time…
Until they buried yo momma.
…end up with 'emit'.
nevermind she's back she just went to pee
A rip off.
I thought to myself, now thats a little condescending.
The Italian said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non stop for five minutes." The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight." The Aussie said: That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife, ya'know, all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours." The Italian and Frenchman, are astonished, and asked?, "Two full hours?….. Wow! that's unbelievable. How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?" The Aussie replied, "I wiped my hands on the curtains."
Doctor: "Take off your blouse and bra." So the girl complies and there is imprint of a T on her chest. Doctor says: "What caused this?" Girl: "Well my boyfriend goes to Texas University and likes to wear his letter jacket when we make love." Doctor: "Ok you're finished, send in the next girl" Next girl comes in and the doctor says the same "Take off your blouse and bra" Sure enough there is an imprint of a U on her chest. Doctor says "What caused this?" Girl: "Well my boyfriend goes to the University of Utah and likes to wear his letter jacket when we make love" Doctor: "Sounds about right, ok you're done send in the next girl" Girl comes in and removes her blouse and bra. This time there is an imprint of a M on her chest. Doctor says: "Let me guess, your boyfriend goes to the University of Michigan right?" Girl: "No doctor, but I have a girlfriend that goes to the University of Wisconsin."
As she walks in, she goes right up to the pharmacist, looks him straight into his eyes and said; "I would like to buy some cyanide," The pharmacist asked her; "why in the world do you need cyanide?" She said; "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacists eyes got really big and he exclaimed; "Lord Have Mercy I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law. I'll lose my license,they will throw us both in jail. All kinds of bad stuff will happen. Absolutely not. you CANNOT HAVE ANY CYANIDE." The lady then pulls a picture out of her purse showing him her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looks at the picture and says; "Well now thats different You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Fans will remember that
I’m on a plane and the lunch choices are white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I’m seated in the last row.
I’m hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.
Dad: No, have you seen my dadglasses?