Two dragons walk into a bar. One says to the other “It’s hot in here”
The other replies "shut your mouth"
My daughter said she literally can’t even…
… so that’s odd.
Why should you never be abducted by a group of mime artists
Because they'll do unspeakable things to you.
A beautiful woman went to a gynecologist.
The doctor took one look at the woman and all of his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed. After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so, he asked her, 'Do you know what I am doing?' 'Yes,' she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities.' 'That's right,' said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts. 'Do you know what I am doing now?' he asked. 'Yes,' she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer.' 'Correct,' replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient, and started having sexual-intercourse with her. He asked, 'Do you know what I am doing now?' 'Yes,' she said, 'You're getting herpes, which is why I came to see you in the first place.'
What’s E.T. Short for?
So he can fit in his spaceship
What do you call a short mexican?
A paragraph, because hes too short to be an esse
Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump…
But that’s comparing apples to oranges.
My wife believes she’s a satellite radio.
At first I thought she was kidding, but apparently she's sirius.
A guy gets pulled over for speeding and the officer says,
"What's your name son"? He replied. "D-d-d-dav-dav-David sir". The officer looks at him suspiciously and says, "Oh, do you have a stutter"? The guy replied, "No, my dad has a stutter, and the guy who filled out my birth certificate is an asshole".
Why did the marshmallow cross the road?
Because he knew there was S'more to life
Not a joke, just a thank you.
But seriously, thank you to everyone on this sub. I end my class periods with a joke of the day every day and I usually take them from here. There is never a day where the students don't unanimously sigh at the punch line!
A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, “Mom, I have someone for you to meet!”
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning." He knew he was not going to get lucky that night. The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?" He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
People think being a waitress isn’t a respectable job.
But hey, it puts food on the table.
♫SOAP♫SOAP♫SOAP♫SOAP♫SOAP♫SOAP♫SOAP♫SOAP♫
I just sang about eight bars.
This girl on Tinder asked me why I have an unlit cigarette in my picture.
I told her that I am looking for matches.
When you die which body part dies the last?
Your pupils, they dilate.
What’s a flat tire’s favorite vegetable?
A spare, I guess
I try to tell everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It’s all about raisin awareness.
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.
What did Godzilla say after he devoured Hawaii?
I WANT SAMOA!!
What concert cost 45¢
50¢ ft. Nickelback.
My friend begged me to stop singing wonderwall
I said maybe
Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack
I spotted my ex girlfriend across the hall of the museum, but I was too self conscious to go say hello.
There was just too much history between us.
I used to know a guy who did circumcision [NSFW]
The money wasn't great, but he got to keep the tips
My friend went completely bald years ago, but he still carries a comb with him.
He just can’t part with it.
What do you call a dog that does magic?
A labracadabrador
A man walks in a bar and says: ‘I’d like 7 double wiskeys, please.’
The bartender nods and starts pouring 7 glasses of wiskey. As soon as the first glass is ready the man starts chugging, one glass after another. The bartender, dumbfounded, asks the man: 'Why are you drinking so fast?' The man awnsers: 'well, you would do the same as me, if you had what I have,' while chugging the last glass of wiskey. 'So, what is it that you have?' asks the bartender. The man: 'not a single penny'
A man named Ranger
A man named Ranger was going out to a bar to have a few drinks. His roommates told him not to drive if he got too drunk. Ranger asked his roommates how he was supposed to get home. “Walk or text us Ranger.”
I’m 29 and my 30th birthday is tomorrow. My gf asked if I feel old yet.
I said, "Not even. I'm still in my prime."
What did the chef say when he got hit with the seasoning?
Hey! That's a salt!
What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?
Shakespeare.
Caught my wife going through the neighbours bins…
She's not nosey, just terrible at parking!
I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop
"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said. "Fuck off" he shouted back. "What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped my backpack and continued my walk.