Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, “If you cross this line, I’ll hit you in the face.”
That was the punchline.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you…
You have my Word.
What’s the difference between Covid 19 and Romeo & Juliet?
..One’s a Corona virus and the other’s a Verona crisis.
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!”
I said, "People who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer!"
“I love you loads, honey pie.” My wife said earlier.
“And I love you tons.” I replied. “What, no nickname for me?” She asked, disappointed. Sometimes I swear the fat cow’s going deaf.
Kim Jong-Un decides he wants to go hunting and takes his three top ministers with him, the Minister of the Interior, the Minister of Defense, and the Minister of Propaganda.
After a short while of stomping aroiund in the woods, they come across some ducks. Kim turns to his Minister of the Interior. "Shoot the ducks!" he orders. The Minister of the Interior raises his shotgun, aims, fires, and misses all the ducks. Kim stares at him. The ducks start flying away. Kim turns to his Minister of Defense. "Shoot the ducks!" he orders. The Minister of Defense raises his shotgun, shoots at the flock of ducks, and misses. Kim stares angrily at him, grabs his own shotgun, raises it, fires, and misses. Immediately the Minister of Propaganda shouts "Look! Flying dead ducks!"
This is my horse, Mayo.
Friend: why did you call him that, he’s not even a white horse? Mayo: [neighs]
Believing in 12.5% of the Bible
Makes you an eighth thiest.
Why did the reluctant knight finally decide to join the crusade?
The king offered him a free palace stein
An old man was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying something big under his arm
He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens." Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it. Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks." Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it. Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy says "It's a pussy willow." Old man says "Wait up … I'll get my hat."
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for fresh prints
What chemical element is symbolized by the letters Ah?
The element of surprise!
What do you call a french man wearing sandals?
Phillipe Phillop
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters,
completely harmless until you light one on fire and stick it in your mouth.
I just bought the personalized license plate BAA BAA…
For my black Jeep.
Three brothers were competing to see who was able to give their elderly mother the best birthday gift
The first one bought her a mansion. The second one bought her a Porsche. The third one, knowing how religious their mom is, bought her a remarkable parrot. It took 18 monks 10 years to teach him how to recite the whole Bible. It’s one of a kind, it cost 20 million dollars. After some time, their mother sent out her letters of thanks: "John," she wrote to the first one, "The mansion you bought is too big. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the entire house." "Peter," she wrote to the second one, "I’m too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Porsche." "Dearest Samuel," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was absolutely delicious!"
A 13 year old boy walks into the whorehouse…
and asks for sex with a girl who suffers from an STD. Aghast, the madame asks him why on earth he'd want an STD. He replies "It's not for me, exactly. I want to give it to the babysitter." She asks him "Why do you want your babysitter to have the clap?" He replies "Well, she'll give it to my dad, my dad will give it to the upstairs maid, the maid will give it to the postman, and the postman will give it to my mom." Horrified, she screams "Why do you want your mother to have the clap?" The kid giggles, and says "She'll give it to the milkman, and he's the SOB who ran over my bike!"
One night, beneath a full moon, I cut my hand on a rusty shed.
Now I'm a werehouse.
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture…
But when I got home, the tables were turned…
Jehovahs witnesses don’t celebrate halloween
I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming to their door
My wife just accused me of having zero empathy.
I just don’t understand why she feels that way.
I told Mike Tyson about the hippo that’s trained to use a toilet, but he seemed skeptical.
Keeps calling it a hippo potty myth
Little Johnny is back
The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinating'." Sally raised her hand. She said "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good, Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'." Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him. Johhny said, "My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!"
How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse Code
What if I lifted a pack of Coca-Cola over my head for twenty minutes a day every day?
That would be soda pressing.
How to die from falling down the stairs:
Step 1, Step 2, Step 4, Step 9, Step 22, Step 23,
How does the kid tell you that their grandparents called?
60s kids: Grandma called. 70s kids: Gramps called. 80s kids: Granny called. 90s kids: Grandmother called. Kids now: Boomerang.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
Why do keyboards never sleep?
Because they have 2 Shifts…
A century ago, two brothers claimed it was possible to fly
They were Wright
I was at the beach and saw this guy in the water yelling, “Help, shark! Help!
I just laughed because I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
What is Hitler’s favorite Videogame ?
Mein Kraft
Why can’t melons get married?
Because they cantaloupe
If the Internet had a boat, where would they park it?
In Google Docs.
What did the police do when they caught the thief stealing the desserts from the bakery?
They took him into custardy