Two friends are having a chat in a bar.
Chris: Hey can I borrow a ten?
Kristen: sure.
Christen: Thank you.
Kris: Anytime.
What goes with the Coronavirus?
Lyme Disease
I’m looking to sell my DeLorean
Good condition, only driven from time to time
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything.
They were pirates of the car I be in.
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
It was bread in captivity.
What is a wise, old priest’s favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar
I have an irrational fear of overly engineered buildings.
I have a complex complex complex.
Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?”
I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
I tried to come up with a good acid pun
But they're all too basic 🙁
What did the copper say to the scientist who was going back home
Cu Tips of to my classmate for telling me this
I keep asking people what LGBTQ+ stands for,
But I can never get a straight answer.
A good percentage of my friends are Nazis…
0% of my friends are Nazis, and thats a good percentage.
The waitress came over and saw my leftovers and asked, “do ya wanna box for that?”
I responded with, "no, but we can arm wrestle any day."
A guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum.
A guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum, fuming with anger. He yells at the top of his lungs "WHO THE FUCK, FUCKED MY WIFE!" Everybody stops, there's a lingering silence for a few seconds, then a guy in the back of the bar yells back "you haven't got enough bullets buddy."
This is a Fibonacci joke.
Its worse than the last two jokes you heard, combined.
I always get confused between bowling and baseball…
But, to be fair, they have striking similarities
There’s an L in Noel even though there is Noel
No text found
I entered myself in a Most Beautiful Boner contest.
The competition was pretty stiff.
Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees?
Because they're very good at it.
How do you get a Redditor to open a post?
No text found
When is a mom joke clearly a dad joke?
When It's trans-parent.
In college, I was so broke that I couldn’t afford to pay the electricity bill.
Those were the darkest days of my life.
When I was a kid, I told my mother I wanted to be a drummer in a rock and roll band when I grew up and she said…
"Well honey, you can't do both."
Scientists have succeeded in growing human vocal chords in a Petri dish.
The results speak for themselves!
I think my microscope has ADHD.
It refuses to focus.
I Googled “how to start a wildfire”.
I got 48,500 matches.
Three Old men reminiscing in a nursing home…….
……..complaining about their biggest regrets on getting old. The first old man said "I'd give anything to take a good piss like I did when I was young. Every morning I get up it takes me 5 minutes to take a piss, and then it's only a small dribble." The second old man said "I'd give anything to take a good shit like I did when I was young. Every morning I sit on the stool and strain and strain until I can finally get something out." The third old man said "Well, every morning at 5 I take me a really long piss. Then at 6 on the dot I take a really big shit." The other two old men look at him and say "So what the hell are you complaining about?" The third old man says "I don't wake up until 7".
A waiter approaches his manager
And tells him that a customer just complained about the oven baked flatbread. His manager told him not to worry about it. The waiter went back to work but came back to his manager a few minutes later saying another customer was complaining about the oven baked flatbread. The manager said that it wasn’t important and that he should go back to work. The waiter again returned to work but a few minutes later returned saying that yet another customer was dissatisfied with the oven baked flat bread. The manager told him to forget it. The waiter asked why he wouldn’t talk to him about it. The manager said “Don’t worry, it’s a naan-issue!”
How do you stop an argument between 2 deaf people?
Turn off the lights.
I just found out I’m colorblind
That diagnosis really came out of the purple
I told my therapist that i am having suicidal thoughts
He now makes me pay in advance
A guy hears a noise on his roof. He goes outside and sees a large black bear on the roof.
So he calls an animal trapper and explains the situation. The trapper says he'll be right over. About an hour later, the trapper rolls up in a huge pickup truck with a large metal cage in the bed. He gets out of the truck followed by a tough looking pitbull. The dog looks pretty beat up, with a torn ear, a jagged pink scar running down its side, and what appears to be a chunk of its lip missing. The guy looks nervously at the dog. "So, what's the plan?" he says, shaking the trapper's hand. "Pretty simple, actually," the trapper says as he unloads a ladder. "I climb up onto the roof, knock the bear to the ground. Then Trigger here grabs the bear by the balls and drags it to the cage. The bear will go in to get away from the dog, the cage door will snap shut, and we're done." The guy looks dubiously from the dog to the bear to the cage. The trapper then pulls a shotgun out of a holster in the back of the truck and hands it to the guy. "Wait, what's the shotgun for?" the guy asks. "Simple. When I climb the roof, if the bear knocks me off, shoot the fucking dog."
How do you count People from Mississippi
1 Mississippi 2 Mississippi 3 Mississippi
There was once a man who read no books
He roamed around as the most popular guy in the town. One day, his friend told recommended him a book, telling him that he "must read it!!" So he did. A while later, he went back to his friend, telling him that he had read it. Suddenly, a bunch of his friends dropped out of his life, like magic. Curious about his, he told another one of his friends that he had read it. Just like that, BAM! He now had half the friends that he used to have. He went around telling people, until no one knew him except for the guy who had recommended him the book. In tears, he asked him what had happened. His friend replied, "oh, didn't I tell you?" "Tell me what?" "People who use "read it" have no friends."
My dream girl is made of chocolate
I Hershey kisses good too
The problem with kleptomaniacs…
…is that they always take things literally…
I tried to talk to my antivaxx best friend
Unfortunately the ouija board wasn't working
I just had to breakup with my cross eyed girlfriend
She was seeing other people
With the way I see Asian people driving, it got me thinking…
Pearl Harbor might have been an accident.
Where is truth produced?
In the fact-ory.
What is the sheeps favorite movie?
Baaaaaack to the future
My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed.
After we broke up, she went fucking bananas.
..ever since an attempted mugging last year i have carried a knife.
Since then my muggings have been way more successful.
What’s the difference between and hippo and a zippo
One is pretty heavy and the other is a little lighter
