Two friends are having a chat in a bar.
Chris: Hey can I borrow a ten?
Christen: Thank you.
Good condition, only driven from time to time
They were pirates of the car I be in.
It was bread in captivity.
The deep friar
I have a complex complex complex.
I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
But they're all too basic 🙁
Cu Tips of to my classmate for telling me this
But I can never get a straight answer.
0% of my friends are Nazis, and thats a good percentage.
I responded with, "no, but we can arm wrestle any day."
A guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum, fuming with anger. He yells at the top of his lungs "WHO THE FUCK, FUCKED MY WIFE!" Everybody stops, there's a lingering silence for a few seconds, then a guy in the back of the bar yells back "you haven't got enough bullets buddy."
Its worse than the last two jokes you heard, combined.
But, to be fair, they have striking similarities
No text found
The competition was pretty stiff.
Because they're very good at it.
No text found
When It's trans-parent.
Those were the darkest days of my life.
When I was a kid, I told my mother I wanted to be a drummer in a rock and roll band when I grew up and she said…
"Well honey, you can't do both."
The results speak for themselves!
It refuses to focus.
I got 48,500 matches.
……..complaining about their biggest regrets on getting old. The first old man said "I'd give anything to take a good piss like I did when I was young. Every morning I get up it takes me 5 minutes to take a piss, and then it's only a small dribble." The second old man said "I'd give anything to take a good shit like I did when I was young. Every morning I sit on the stool and strain and strain until I can finally get something out." The third old man said "Well, every morning at 5 I take me a really long piss. Then at 6 on the dot I take a really big shit." The other two old men look at him and say "So what the hell are you complaining about?" The third old man says "I don't wake up until 7".
And tells him that a customer just complained about the oven baked flatbread. His manager told him not to worry about it. The waiter went back to work but came back to his manager a few minutes later saying another customer was complaining about the oven baked flatbread. The manager said that it wasn’t important and that he should go back to work. The waiter again returned to work but a few minutes later returned saying that yet another customer was dissatisfied with the oven baked flat bread. The manager told him to forget it. The waiter asked why he wouldn’t talk to him about it. The manager said “Don’t worry, it’s a naan-issue!”
Turn off the lights.
That diagnosis really came out of the purple
He now makes me pay in advance
So he calls an animal trapper and explains the situation. The trapper says he'll be right over. About an hour later, the trapper rolls up in a huge pickup truck with a large metal cage in the bed. He gets out of the truck followed by a tough looking pitbull. The dog looks pretty beat up, with a torn ear, a jagged pink scar running down its side, and what appears to be a chunk of its lip missing. The guy looks nervously at the dog. "So, what's the plan?" he says, shaking the trapper's hand. "Pretty simple, actually," the trapper says as he unloads a ladder. "I climb up onto the roof, knock the bear to the ground. Then Trigger here grabs the bear by the balls and drags it to the cage. The bear will go in to get away from the dog, the cage door will snap shut, and we're done." The guy looks dubiously from the dog to the bear to the cage. The trapper then pulls a shotgun out of a holster in the back of the truck and hands it to the guy. "Wait, what's the shotgun for?" the guy asks. "Simple. When I climb the roof, if the bear knocks me off, shoot the fucking dog."
1 Mississippi 2 Mississippi 3 Mississippi
He roamed around as the most popular guy in the town. One day, his friend told recommended him a book, telling him that he "must read it!!" So he did. A while later, he went back to his friend, telling him that he had read it. Suddenly, a bunch of his friends dropped out of his life, like magic. Curious about his, he told another one of his friends that he had read it. Just like that, BAM! He now had half the friends that he used to have. He went around telling people, until no one knew him except for the guy who had recommended him the book. In tears, he asked him what had happened. His friend replied, "oh, didn't I tell you?" "Tell me what?" "People who use "read it" have no friends."
I Hershey kisses good too
…is that they always take things literally…
Unfortunately the ouija board wasn't working
She was seeing other people
Pearl Harbor might have been an accident.
In the fact-ory.
Baaaaaack to the future
After we broke up, she went fucking bananas.
Since then my muggings have been way more successful.
One is pretty heavy and the other is a little lighter