Two friends are having a chat in a bar.
Chris: Hey can I borrow a ten?
Kristen: sure.
Christen: Thank you.
Kris: Anytime.
A farmer accidentally overcooked his, one of a kind, psychic cow
He now has a rare medium well done
Bro, do you want this pamphlet?
Brochure.
Why is it so difficult to sell a toy zebra
You can never find the barcode
how did luke know what darth vader got him for christmas?
he felt his presence
What starts with a “W” and ends with “hat”…
No text found
I have some news for you guys. My Monster is Gay.
He just came out of the closet.
The other day a friend of mine told me a really bad gravity joke.
I still fell for it though
My Uber passenger texted me before I pulled up to the pin…
I receive a ping 3 miles away as I’m approaching the ping I get a text “ honk your horn excessively until I come outside when you get to xxx address I’ll tip $20”. So I pull up to the pin and start blowing my horn for a solid min. My passenger comes out looking a little annoyed he gets in and we head to his destination. We pull up to his house and his dad is standing outside waiting for him, he greets him and asked how his ride was, he said the drive was great but the fucker blew his horn non stop until I came outside. His dad said that’s weird and handed me a $20.
Teenage daughter asked “When is that new Elton John movie coming out?”
I replied "I think it's gonna be a long, long time"
My friend said, “I’ll never buy from a store that assigns genders to kids’ beds!”
I said, “Boycott?” Him: That’s what I mean.
I told Mike Tyson about the hippo that’s trained to use a toilet, but he seemed skeptical.
Keeps calling it a hippo potty myth
My idiot friend keeps saying, “Every time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.”
I said, “Try ordering Tacos instead, moron.”
For an experiment, my son as been wearing a different Manchester United top for two weeks. So far he’s been spat at, verbally abused, and punched…
God knows what will happen to him when he leaves the house.
They say you are what you eat.
Well, today I bought some ready to eat chicken, and sure enough, when I got home I was ready to eat chicken.
A girl told me she wanted to be “just friends”.
I said "Can we be friends with benefits?". She said "So, you just want sex?". I said "No, I want you to add me on your health insurance.".
I’ve been stuck in Rome for a few weeks now…
I'm trying to get out, but all the roads have this weird design flaw…
The FBI had an open position for an assassin
The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.' Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair… we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.' The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.' Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death'.
She said “choke me daddy!”
So I gave her two Popeye's biscuits and no drink.
We all know where the big apple is, but do you know where…
The Minneapolis?
Last night my girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed…
2 minutes later she told me all the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
My wife said if this post gets 2000 upvotes, she’ll give up her anal virginity tonight!
Please don't. She's out of town on a business trip until Monday.
Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar?
They each got 6 months
I handed my dad his 50th birthday card
With tears in his eyes he says One would've been enough.
One of my friends stole all the DVDs of my horror movie collection.
In the end I decided to let him go. However, I still hold The Grudge.
I can’t believe it’s been more than a hundred years since Einstein proposed his Theory of Relativity.
It feels like only yesterday.
What does a magician say when hiding a dead body?
Abracadaver!
If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don’t they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?
Because they don't have access to black magic.
I saw an onion ring.
So I answered it.
![Ant monologue [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/aalofaxxb6b41-400x300.jpg)
What do you call a teacher who doesn’t like to fart in public?
A private tooter.
After you die, what part of your body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils. They dilate.
