Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other:
"Do you know how to drive this thing?"
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 2. But the real question is, how did they get in there?
I saw an onion ring.
So I answered it.
Please be kind to Jussie Smollett guys…
You know he's really beating himself up right now.
ROMNEY DIDN’T KILL HIMSELF
Sorry, just practicing.
I’ve just discovered that I have a logic fetish.
I can't stop coming to conclusions.
My dad told me this one.
"All this LGBTQ shit is getting out of control. It wasn't like this when I was a little girl."
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase
I said "Don't forget your Baghdad"
I only believe in about 12% of the bible…
I’m an eighthiest
“Push harder”, I shouted at my wife while she was in labor. “Screw you”, she yelled back at me.
A bit harsh I thought, it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to hospital.
Presidents
Two guys, one American, one Russian, are discussing their presidents: – We despise our president, you know, when Trump is out in the crowd, everyone throws eggs, fruits – saw somebody throwing a pineapple at him; he get spit a lot and we swear at him aloud … – Here, In Russia, when Putin passes by, everybody urinates on him, but you know, everybody! – Well, let's be serious; I exaggerated a little … we swear at Trump, but in a whisper … we throw at him … but in front of our TVs … – Well, I exaggerated a bit as well … We really urinate, but we don't put our pants down … [Now: not a native speaker, so mistakes should be overlooked, of course, I hope it's not a repost]
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it
An Australian guy walks into a bar with a crocodile under his arm.
He asks the bartender if he will give him free drinks if he shows he can put his penis inside the crocs mouth for 15 seconds without it getting bit off. The bartender agrees. The guy opens the crocs mouth and puts his penis inside it; the croc gently closes his mouth and after 15 seconds the Australian hits him over the head with a bottle, causing the croc to open his mouth and let the guy withdraw his penis. The bartender starts serving the free drinks to the Australian and then tells everyone in the bar "If anyone else can do that then I will give them free drinks also". There is a pause and then a blonde woman calls out "ok, I will do it but please don't hit me so hard over the head with the bottle". "
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff
BA-DUMM-TSS
I was once kidnapped by a group of mimes
They did unspeakable things to me
A drummer and her husband just had triplets. Their names?
Anna I. Anna II. Anna I, II, III.
I’m gonna be turning my lights off this Halloween and pretending I’m not in.
Fuck the ships. My lighthouse, my rules
What does a gun and a pack of gum have in common?
Everyone suddenly wants to be your friend when you take it out at school.
A man’s in-laws are causing him severe stress….
It's gotten so bad that he's decided to talk to his doctor about the physical pain he's experiencing. The doctor prescribes him some painkillers and sends him on his way. A few days later, the man comes back complaining that the painkillers aren't working. The doctor ups his dose and sees him out. This process continues until a few weeks later. The man is visibly happier and healthier. The doctor asks him if the painkillers worked. "Yep! They're finally dead."
How do you make any boat a hat?
You flip it over and it becomes capsized.
You know your uncle went to WWII with a toy gun
He had nerfs of steel
What’s the difference between and hippo and a zippo
One is pretty heavy and the other is a little lighter
I recently found out the medical name for Viagra
Mycoxaflopin
A man in court says, “I’m not saying anything without my lawyer present.”
Cop: "But you are the lawyer…" Lawyer: "Exactly, So where's my present?"
My wife told me, “Don’t get upset if someone calls you fat.”
“You’re much bigger than that.”
My wife accused me of being immature…
I told her to get out of my fort.
Why don’t some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't workout.
How do you tell the difference between someone from Dubai and someone from Abu Dhabi?
People from Dubai don't like the Flintstones. People from Abu Dhabi do.
Why is dark spelt with a k and not a c ?
Because you can’t C in the dark
I’m not an apologetic Canadian…
I'm sorry, I'm just not