Two goldfish are in a tank.
One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
To the hacker who hacked into my reddit account, I will find you.
(Edit: no, you won’t)
I’m reading a book titled “The Stockholm Syndrome.”
I hated it at first, but now I love it.
What did one introvert say to the other introvert?
Absolutely nothing and they quickly parted ways
My teacher never farts in public.
Since, she is a private tutor, of course.
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week…
There was no coffin at his funeral!
Petition to lock this sub once a week
Because there's no post on Sunday
The Australians once killed a bunch of rabbits and proved this. Evolution be sick sometimes.
https://ift.tt/3bpzxoQ
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, “Take Your Kid to Work Day.” As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her…
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the light bulb really has to WANT to change 😏😏
Three girls die and go to heaven…
They are greeted by st. Peter at the pearly gates. He welcomes them and then says "But be careful, there are lots of ducks in heaven. If you step on any you will be punished". The girls go in and the first one steps on a duck right away and the ugliest man in existence gets chained to her for eternity. The second girl steps on a duck after about a week and the second ugliest man is chained to her for eternity. The third girl, however, never steps on a duck and the most beautiful man she had ever seen was chained to her. "What did I do to deserve such a nice thing?" she asks God. God looks at her and says, "He stepped on a duck."
I met an Asian guy at a party and asked him, “Are you Chris Chen?”
He said: No, my name is Daniel. Do all Asian guys look the same to you? Me: No. I meant, do you accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior?
A guy walks into a bar and orders a punch
The bartender says “Sir, if you wanna punch, you gotta get in line.” The guy looks around but there is no punch line
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it's full groan
Welcome to camouflage training
I’ve got to say I’m disappointed to see so many of you here
When a senior dev couldn’t solve your problem so you two call another senior to help
https://ift.tt/2xJMN9H
An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife…
He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously, they were thinking, "That poor old couple…all they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything. People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything." Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?" She answered, "THE TEETH!"
What do you get when you cross an Irishman with a German?
A guy who's too drunk to follow orders.
Just so everyone is clear
I will put my glasses on.
I’m a social vegan
I avoid meet
After nearly three weeks of trying, my wife finally told me, “I’m pregnant!”
She really has the worst stutter ever.
My mate has a fear of over-engineered buildings. He has a complex complex complex
He went to the psychiatrist and he discovered it was more than just a fear. He has a complex complex complex complex The Doctor sent him to a specialised centre.. It was the complex complex complex complex complex. Unfortunately, it was an over-engineered building. Yes, it was a complex complex complex complex complex complex.
Radish means slightly Awesome in 90’s vernacular
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I for one, like Roman numerals
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To be Frank
I’d have to change my name
When people complain about php’s security, i need this picture to explain the scenario
https://ift.tt/2p6ZLtd
I’ve run out of toilet paper and started using old newspapers instead
The times are rough
My door to door fruit delivery business failed terribly because of my horrible interpersonal skills.
I was driving people bananas.
What type of shoes do spies wear?
Sneakers
Why did The Rock break up with his girlfriend?
Because she took him for granite.
