Two good friends go golfing
Two good friends go golfing and they come up on two women who are moving like molasses. One guy says that he'll go up and ask if they can play through. When he's half way to the women, he freezes, turns around and comes back pretty pale. "Sorry man, I can't do it! One's my wife and the other my mistress!"
The other guy says he'll ask instead. Halfway to the women he suddenly stops turns around and comes back shaking his head. "Small world bro!"
Because he found his honey.
Remains to be seen
I just sense this looming dread.
While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head "NO". The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the food flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seen nobody done it.
It overdosed on quack.
C, eh? N, eh? D, eh?
Me: I'm a Harp Host: Your costume's too small. Me: Are you calling me a Lyre?
Because bugs are attracted to light
Edit: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!
They said, “Maybe you should check your junk.”
My friend said, “Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?” I replied, “The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus.” He laughed, “A miracle?!”
I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."
Probably because it's a Dell
But when i got home, all the signs were there.
I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties. I thought, fuck me, I might win this
I was having sex with my friend’s wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.
She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me…
The man laughed and said “Eh, it has its ups and downs.”
One shucks between fits.
Anyone have any tips?
But I don’t have enough karma
I knocked on her front door and she yelled “Who is it”? So I left
While riding my motorbike, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for… "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.” "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still in the ditch with the motorbike, I guess."
Because they have no body to go with.
Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?” She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business at this convention?” “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?” “Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.” Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.” “Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
Did you know cannibals don’t exist anymore… I ate the last one yesterday
Because Thats The Only Way He Can Hear Me
It has me on Edge
I just had an half hour argument with my 5 year old about the importance of wearing pants in public, and she won.
So today I’m wearing pants to take her to school.
A vicious circle.
“Becky, I was wondering if you’ve ever cheated on me?” Becky replies, “Oh, Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question…” “Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please…” “Well, all right, three times…” “Three, hmmm. When were they?” “Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start that business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, one day the bank manager himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked…” “Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So when was number two?” “Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you needed that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. Morris came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again…” “I can’t believe it, Becky, that you would do such a thing for me, to save my life… I couldn’t have a more wonderful wife… All right then, when was the third time?” “Well, Sam, remember a few years ago when you really wanted to be president of the fishing club and you were 98 votes short…”
Pay him for the pizza.
So basically you know when ur high you feel funny and stuff. Yeah so when the universe was made it made humans like this feeling high all the time and then the humans eventually made a amichane to stabilize the damasion and only had two people of the race left because all the others killed them self eventually and so Adam and Eve are the unstable humans and after zapinf them selfs with the beam they came to the niw stabaliEd timension and reset the world by.accident and. The material to make the machine was smooked weed and so when you smoke weed or stuff and get high you accidentally go to a realm in-between both stabaliEd and unstabaluzwd dimasion and so you feel high because euyr In 3 and 1. (stabaliEd version dimasion) and you are feeling millions of years of knowledge and memories so it’s too much for your head and you get high she to loss of blood in the head. Freaking world out there people. Love you all goodnight . Garfield oh shit he is behind me aahhh gnandrgfiwld orange cat aaa. Om nom nom. mmmm -garfield (last oart). ……..(bye/night)
Those were the Good Years.
One says to the other: "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
Cause I’m not sure – I don’t have 2020 vision. You’re welcome, Dad