Two guys are in a bar. One had too much to drink and pukes all over himself.
“Oh no!”, the man says, “my wife’s gonna kill me if she knows I got this drunk!”
His friend tells him “don’t worry it’ll be fine – just put ten dollars in your shirt pocket and tell her someone else did it and paid for it to get cleaned.”
“Brilliant!”, says the man and he goes home. Wife sees him and says “ohh honey look what you’ve done! You’ve been sick everywhere! I can’t believe you got this drunk.”
“Noo”, the man says, “it was someone else and look, to prove it there’s ten dollars in my shirt pocket from the guy who did it to go get it cleaned.”
“But there’s twenty dollars in here…” she points out
“I know,” he says, “he also shit in my pants.”
I used to hate facial hair.
Then it grew on me.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Ceasar walk into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered.
[grocery store] Ok, milk…check, eggs…check, tomatoes…check.
“Sir, please stop writing separate checks for every single item.”
One day, Albert Einstein had to speak at an important science conference.
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him: "I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!" The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place." "That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!" So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it. But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response. The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says : "Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."
How do poets say hello?
Hey, haven’t we metaphor?
An international school teacher asks a question: “What’s your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?”
An African student: What's food? A European student: What's scarcity? An American student: What are 'other countries'? A Chinese student: What's 'my own opinion'?
Having gay parents must be terrible
Either you have twice as many dad jokes or get stuck in an endless loop of "go ask your mother"
“Sorry boss, I won’t be coming in today for the big meeting,” I told my manager.
"Why's that?" he asked. I said, "Yes, very wise.'
Joke
A mother asks her son: "Bob, do you think I’m a bad mom?" – Son: "My name is Paul."
I bought my friends an elephant for their room
They said: 'Thank you.' I said: 'Don't mention it.'
Today my son asked for a book mark, I burst into tears
He’s 11 and still doesn’t know my name is Brian
You know what they say about a guy with big feet
They say "Sorry sir we don't have your shoe size"
Where do boats go when they feel sick?
To the dock.
I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage
I lost my case
My wife and I are finally going to visit San Francisco to see the Golden Gate in person.
Her: What are you going to do when we see it? Me: We’ll cross that bridge when we get there.
Steve Irwin died as he lived.
With animals in his heart.
Why do mountains make the best jokes?
Because they are hill areas!
My friend is spreading rumours about me being schizophrenic.
Well, three can play that game!
I love taking my blind daughter out for a drive.
Every time I hit a speed bump, I tell her it was a dog.
What is the difference between standup comedy, and motivational speaking?
Which side of the mic the depressed people are on.
By the way, this meme was created by a person who doesn’t know physics very well.
By the way, this meme was created by a person who doesn’t know physics very well.
Due to reposts I now try to guess the punchline before i open up a joke on Reddit. Can you guess how many I’ve gotten correct?
Bus driver. If you thought I was going to say "nun" you were probably surprised.
I hope Death is a woman.
That way it will never come for me.
[NSFW] Hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents’ house to comfort her 95-year old grandmother.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied: ”He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.” Horrified, Katie told her that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. ”Oh no, my dear” replies granny. ”Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring”. ”It was just the right rythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.” She pauses to wipe away a tear, and continued, ”He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”
Never say c’rona virus.
That's how I contracted it.
What do antivax moms and responsible bartenders have in common?
They don’t give shots to babies.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear
I know of a bald guy that got a comb for his birthday.
He said he could never part with it.
Anyone else feel like they’re done for the year :’)
Anyone else feel like they’re done for the year :’)