Two guys are on a boat with 3 cigarettes and nothing to light them with.
I started carrying a knife on me after an attempted mugging three years ago.
since then, my mugging attempts have been much more successful.
A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.
The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the townspeople. The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them posts and sets up shop. He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime so anyone can pay $1 to kick the rapist in the groin. Since the con artist used his image to wrong his victims, anyone can pay $1 to hit him in the face. After a while there are two long lines for the criminals. Some people paying $5, $10, even $15 to get their licks in. After a long while, a guy steps up for his turn and sees the con artist’s face is a bloody pulp and thinks “He’s so beat up at this point, he probably can’t even feel anything anymore. I’m not going to waste my money on that.” So the guy walks up and kicks the con artist squarely in the groin. The sheriff sees this and hurries over and says, “Hey son, you can’t do that here.” The man asks, “Why not?” And the sheriff replies, “Because this is the punch line.”
What’s dark but always shines?
Shoe polish.
Bricks are the happiest construction materials.
They're always getting laid.
A wife came home early and…
One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset. “You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!” The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.” “Go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!” So the husband began, “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night. The ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments! Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.” The husband took a quick breath and continued, “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said…” “Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100.
A solid 10, but also imaginary.
Did you hear about the banana that was a prosecutor?
He won the conviction, but slipped up on appeal.
A man was sitting in traffic when a cop knocked on his window.
He rolled down the window and asked the officer: "Why is there such a traffic jam?" Officer: "A group of terrorists kidnapped a few politicians and are blocking the road. They have threatened to burn the politicians alive in 1000 gallons of gasoline if they don't get a 5 million dollar ransom within the hour. I'm going from car to car collecting donations and would like to know if you'd please help." Man: "Ok. How much are other people giving?" Officer: "On average, about two gallons."
Why didn’t the cannibal eat the guy with no legs?
He was lacktoes intolerant.
Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.
They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.
Trump retreating to his safe space after being treated ‘very unfairly’ by NATO members
https://ift.tt/34RYsyv
Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car
They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?" "No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies. The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!" The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?" "We do now, asshole!" shouts Schrodinger. The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.
I bought a dictionary and when I got home I realized all the pages were blank…
I have no words for how angry I am.
I played “Sweet Home Alabama” to my sister since I learned the guitar recently
Nothing happened. But our kids loved it
I asked my son if he saw the newspaper…
Instead he pulls out his tablet, opens the news app, and calls me old school, "tablets are the way to go nowadays' he says. Damn fly never stood a chance
I hade to remove my oldest dagger from my knife collection
It just didn't cut it anymore
How did harry potter get down the hill?
he came running jk rowling
My father has schizophrenia…
…but he’s good people…
6 was afraid of 7 because 7 8 9. But why did 7 eat 9?
It heard you were supposed to have three squared meals a day.
What do you call babies with guns?
Infantry
A woman listen’s in on her 4 year old playing with his train set
“All those getting off, go on fuck off, and all those gettin on fucking hurry up” The woman smacks his bum and sends him upstairs till he’s learned his lesson. 2 hours later the boy comes back down, says sorry to his mum and carries on playing, Mum listens in: ”all those departing thank you for travelling with us and have a good day! All those boarding, mind the gap and have a safe journey!…And all those who are upset by the 2 hour delay, blame the fat cunt in the kitchen!
I have lots of Kenny Rogers jokes, but in light of his recent passing, I won’t tell them.
You gottta know when to hold 'em.
My son got kicked out of three schools this year for letting a girl in class wank him off. I told him, “Son…
…maybe teaching isn’t the best job for you.”
We’ve got a Polish sound guy
Cheque one too
Why do insomniacs have dirty floors?
They have trouble sweeping..
I suggested to my wife that we make some Indian bread for a group dinner appetizer.
It was a total naan starter.
My 77 year old dad said this last night
So we were out celebrating my dad’s birthday last night. I said, “You and Mom are healthy and look good for your age. I wish I had your genes!” (I’m adopted.) Without missing a beat, Dad said, “You can have mine if you want, I can barely fit in them anymore!”
When you die, which part of the body is the last one to stop working?
The pupils. They dilate
I told my wife she painted her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
I bought shoes from a drug dealer,
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day
My father doesn’t trust anyone. In fact he has a saying…
But he won't tell me.