Two guys are walking down the road with their dogs, one guy has a doberman and the other has a chihuahua, when they come across a restaurant
They want to go in but there's a sign on the door that says "no pets allowed – service dogs only". The guy with the doberman says, "don't worry I got this." He proceeds to put on a dark pair of sunglasses and walks inside.
The manager comes up to him and says, "sir, you can't have your dog in here." The man replies, you don't understand, this is my seeing guide dog." Skeptical, the manager asks, "your guide dog is a doberman?" The man replies, "you see, a doberman helps protect me against burglars." The manager lets him through.
The chihuahua guy sees this and puts on a pair of dark sunglasses and walks inside. The manager approaches him and says, "sir, you can't bring your dog in here." The man replies, "you don't understand, this is my seeing guide dog." The manager, ever so skeptical, asks, "your guide dog is a chihuahua?"
The man, quick to think, says, "a chihuahua? They gave me a chihuahua?!?"
How do you know how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give a weigh, give it a weigh now!!
While wandering in the desert I came across a lamp (xPost)
http://bit.ly/2WXImOS
“What is your name, son?
A student visits the principal's office. The principal asks: "What is your name, son?" The student replies: "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir." Then the principal asks: "Oh, do you have a stutter?" Student answers: "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was an asshole."
I broke my only hole puncher today
Now I've got two half punchers
Boy George has 5 reddit accounts and likes to switch between them.
He's a karma-karma-karma-karma-karma-chameleon.
Getting fire training at work and was asked what steps to take in the event of a fire.
I said BIG ONES in the opposite direction of the fire….apparently the wrong answer.
“Do you tell your husband when you have an orgasm”?
"No, he doesn't like to be disturbed at work".
Does anyone else knock on the fridge before opening the door?
You never know if there may be a salad dressing.
Did you know they aren’t making metre sticks any longer?
No text found
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates
Why did the pencil get flushed down the toilet?
It was a #2!
A man walks into a resort and the first sign he saw reads, “LOOL AREA!!”
He was confused and asks one of the employees about it. “Yes, we have this tradition here, we replace the first ‘P’ of any word that starts with P with an ‘L’ because the owner hates the words that starts with letter ‘P’." The man thought this was strange, but as long as there were no other rules, he’d be fine. The man toured the resort and eventually came upon the cafeteria. There was a sign which read, “Serving Lierogies and Lork tonight.” Thinking about the food made the man hungry, so he went around looking for food. Strangely, in cafetaria he only found two signs that read; line for breakfast and line for dinner, both of which were closed since it was 12:30 PM. Confused and hungry, the man approached the employee and asked, “Where’s the lunchline?”
My daughter keeps pestering me to check her hair for lice
I think it’s just all in her head (I can’t believe it took me this long to find this subreddit, I love it! BTW first attempt at a dad joke!)
I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal
Elongate would be really drawn out.
I’m really upset! Someone stole my limbo stick!
I mean how low can you go!?
If a plant is sad.Do other plants photosympathise with it?
No they chlorofeel.
Why do stadiums get hot after the game?
Because all the fans left.
What sound does a tiny cow make
µ Please ignore this text. It's only here to add more words because a single letter joke gets removed by the mods, who don't subscribe to the belief that brevity is the soul of wit. Thank you for not reading this message.
I keep hearing music coming from the printer.
I think the paper is jamming.
Why is there 2 d’s in ‘Reddit’?
Because one is a repost.
To be frank, I’d have to change my name.
No text found
Does anyone know if we can start taking showers yet?
Or are we still just washing our hands?
A man walks into a bank and says to the the teller
“I want to open a fucking checking account.” The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but we don’t tolerate language like that in this bank.” The teller then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation. The manager agrees that the teller shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the man, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?” “There is no fucking problem” the man says. “I just won $500 million in the damn lottery and I want to put my fucking money in this damn bank.” “Oh, I see.” says the manager. “And is this bitch giving you a hard time, Sir?”
My wife said, “You act like a detective too much, I want to split up.”
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
Why Americans don’t use metric?
Foot fetish
I gave my girlfriend an orgasm last night.
She spat it right back in my face. Credits: Jimmy Carr
My girlfriend wants me to choose between her and my career as a reporter.
I have some breaking news for her.
A Spanish magician told everyone he would disappear.
He said "uno, dos…" and then disappeared without a tres.
I was just diagnosed with color blindness…
… it came completely out of the purple.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler
I woke up exhausted
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl urinate?
Because they have been extinct for millions of years.
A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. “I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will sell me your soul, your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, your parent’s souls, your grandparent’s souls, and the souls of all your friends.
The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to see a movie. She asked, “What would you like to see?”
I said, “You pick.” She said, “You pick.” I said, “I don’t care. You pick.” She said, “Sir, there are people behind you waiting to buy tickets.”