Two Irish men walk out of a bar
Yes, it happens
Then she plowed her bike straight into the cow.
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I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.
…because then it would be a foot
"Father, father!" he says to the farmer, "This subreddit is amazing! It's full of so many good jokes, I wish I could be just as funny as all the redditors I've seen." The farmer laughs at his son and tells him, "Son, if you really want to be like the redditors on r/Jokes you'll have to first sow your Ohsts." His son looks at him, perplexed. "What on earth are 'Ohsts'? I've never seen you with those." "I know you've heard the saying 'you reap what you sow', and the same saying applies reddit," the farmer tells his son. "Those redditors just sow their Ohsts so they can reap Ohst, reap Ohst, and reap Ohst."
He returned it all denty. Edit: my first gold! Thank you kind stranger.
One will see you later and the other will see you in a while
I called work this morning and whispered, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today. I have a wee cough.” He exclaimed, “You have a wee cough!?”
I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
It sounds so foreign.
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in. One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left. As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?" "He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."
You’ve probably never heard of herbivore.
Because he was 2².
My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday. The guy said the rental was $50, and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars.
I said, “That’s outrageous!” He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”
On an unrelated note, I suck at darts.
Happy Alentine's Ay
Edit：Wow thanks for the gold kind stranger!
Because it's too cold out-Tide
I loaf it 🍞
“A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, ‘First offender?’
She says, 'No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!'"
No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee.
Hooker: “You’re a man of class :)” Man: “Class my ass, I want it five times on grass”
Not good at math
…how limited my vocabulary is.
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I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?" She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."
I’m beginning to suspect they got someone else
Doctor: That’s not how ADHD works. “But I keep losing my Focus!”
We all know about Murphy’s Law – Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law?
It’s thinly sliced cabbage.
He wakes up in the hospital with the nurse right next to him. The guy asks if he'll be ok, and the nurse replies with yes. The nurse asks "You'll need to pay for your stay here, which comes to about 20 grand. Do you have enough money?" The guy replies "No, unfortunately, money is tight for me." The nurse asks "well do you have any relatives that could help you pay?" The guy says "No, my only living relative is my sister. She's an un-married nun." The nurse interrupts and says "Actually, nuns are married to God." The guys goes "Ok then, send the bill to my brother-in-law."
… but his brother Frank was a monster.