Two male deer walk out of a gay bar…
One says to the other "I can't believe I just blew 20 bucks!"
“Literally all your pointers are uninitialized!” Yeah, and your point is?
Two Women Were Playing Golf…
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his "pain." "Please allow me to help, I am a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" She told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnnoo, I'll be alright…I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. She gently took his hands away and laid them to his side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage to his privates for several long moments and then asked, “How does that feel”? The man looked up at her and replied, "That feels pretty good … but my thumb still hurts like hell!"
Trigonometry humor… Is there anything better?
He isn’t Wrong Guys
Wholesome boomer meme
Climate change is a hoax!
Why don’t skeletons fight each other?
They don’t have the guts.
Texted my dad to figure out what we wanted to eat for dinner, and got this one
Me: "So, what do you want to do for dinner?" Him: "Eat, lol. You?"
How do you measure the heaviness of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
Did you hear about the new vegan parallel lines?
They never meat.
“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”
“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”
I wasn’t sure if I should post this here, because it’s only funny under certain circumstances
certain circumstances funny
TIL that Tiger Woods always brings an extra sock with him to his golf tournaments.
Just in case he gets a hole in one.
A Guy sat next to me on the train and pulled a out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”
I said, "If you think she is beautiful, you should see my missus mate. He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's an optician!"
Social distancing and chill
At least in theory it’s like this, please don’t look at my code tho
My mom gave me this mug as a going off to college present. Got called out by my textbook…
I like to disassociate myself from the word ‘Xenophobia’
It's a bit too foreign-sounding for my liking.
Deny, deny, deny… always not their fault
Saw this on a vending machine at a car dealership…
Dealing with PM’s ridiculous feature requests
I’ve come to the realization that suicide would solve all my problems…
… if I could just get the right people to try it.
What happens when someone steals uranium
It becomes theiranium
A man has been drinking alone all day at a bar…
And checks his clock. "1:30am, fuck. I need to go home now or my wife's going to ripp my balls off" – Thinks to himself. But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor. "I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up" So he asks the barman for a coffe, he drinks it up and 30 minutes later he tries to stand up, but again, falling to the floor, this time, even harder. At this point he realizes he needs to get home no matter what, so he starts crawling towards his house. After 40 minutes he gets there, lays down next to his (asleep) wife and passes out. The next morning his wife wakes him up and starts shouting at him: -So… how was last night, huh? Was it fun drinking all day? The man is 100% sure his wife was asleep when he got home so he tries to play it cool: -Not really, just hanging with some coworkers… we didn't drink much… just a couple of beers. The woman starts nodding sarcastically and responds: -The bar owner called this morning, your wheelchair's there, you dumbfuck.
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence.
Aragorn and Legolas walk into a bar
Gimli laughs and walks under it
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first mathematician orders a beer The second orders half a beer "I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies "Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 "What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous." "Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along" "There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to." "But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-" "I know how limits work" interjects the bartender "Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics" "Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?" "HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade. The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA" The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!" The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish. A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?" "It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."
Watching an Australian cooking show and the chef made some meringue and the crowd cheered!
Surprising since most Aussies like to boo meringue.
A dad story. If you read till the end of this one, I promise you’ll hate it.
Have I ever told you about the time I nearly died in a plane crash? Well… One dark and stormy night, our cargo plane was loaded with supermarket goods. But we were in trouble! A freak storm had showed up, and our plane was struggling against the hurricane-force winds. After a terrifying hour of this, we lost navigational controls. The pilot had descended to 10,000 feet, and was attempting to search for a safe place to make an emergency landing. But the plane was no match for the fury of the storm. The aircraft was tossed to and fro and the wind threatened to crumple it like a ball of foil. Our fuel was now nearly gone, and the engines were sputtering. As far as we could tell, we were now over some large city. But that was no consolation to us, as we were hurtling to our certain deaths. The captain announced over the comms that everyone should prepare for the worst… The morale of the crewmembers had now drastically fallen. Some of us lay crying in a corner, others had passed out from sheer fear or dread, and still others screamed out desperate prayers in their despair. Everyone, even the captain, had lost hope. Everyone, that is, except for the cargo bay janitor, Steve. Steve just stood there amidst the chaos, rolling with the punches of the relentless wind. As I lay there with my crewmembers, Steve somehow remained standing, and not far off, seemingly without a care in the world. Suddenly, the wind tore a hole in the cargo bay, and four pallets of frozen meat exploded out of it, scattering over the city below. I looked on in horror, imagining the huge slabs of meat destroying rooftops, or smashing pets, children, and vehicles. Steve just watched it all with a smirk. I looked at him, and he, noticing my gaze, turned back with that same wry grin and said: . . . . . . . . . . . . "Now that's what I call a… . . Wait for it… . . . . . . meatier shower."
What do you call the wooden Batman?
Davy Jones’ locker that’s a “No”
Scared little bitches
How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke?
When it’s full groan.
I actually like this one
If you mix a lion and a tiger you get a liger. If you mix a horse and a donkey you get a mule. What happens when you mix an orangutan and a lawyer?
Nothing. The lawyer doesn't have enough human DNA.
Wife getting eating by lions? Hilarious.
why a tittle… why not?
A woman was in some distress one day when she locked herself out of her car.
An army man was walking by in the car park so she waved him over and said "excuse me can you help me, I've locked myself out". "Sure" he says. So he takes off his pants and rubs them against the door and as if by magic the door unlocked. "Wow" said the woman, "how did you do that?" He replies "These are my khakis".
There was recently a new type of mite discovered, and its existence might date back to prehistoric times
They're naming it dinomite
Oh yeah, it’s all coming together
How to effectively ensure everyone around you respects 6 ft social distancing
Haha guns but like only one gun
Kanye goes sicko mode
Ethics? We don’t need no stinking ethics!
Just realized this
Ah you had so much potential! Smh
Actual footage of Bernie “Force Choking” Biden
A priest told me this joke as a kid.
There were 3 men, they were best friends, and they were quite unhealthy. Their names were, Bert, Chester, and Earl. They were actually really unhealthy and Bert decided that he needed to take charge of him and his friends' health. He decided that they were going to be on a diet together to help them live for as long as possible. He broke the news to his friends, and they weren't too happy about it, but they decided to go along with it anyways, because they knew how out-of-shape they all were. It was tough for them all to stick to the plan at times, however they got through it together. They each lost between 120-140 pounds over the course of 20 years and were in amazing shape for their age. One day the 3 of them were given great news. Bert got a call, he answered it, then turned around to everyone and said: "Guys! My daughter just had a child! I'm going to be a grandpa!". Everybody was celebrating for Bert when Earl got a call from his son. He answered it, and turned around to everybody and said: "Guys! My son is going to get married today! I'm so excited!". Everybody was now celebrating for Bert and Earl, when Chester got a call. He answered it, turned around and said to everybody: "Guys! My family is having a reunion today! I'm going to see so many people that I haven't seen in years!". They found out that the wedding, hospital, and park where the reunion was were all in the same town, and decided to carpool together to get there. It had snowed a little the day before and the roads were a little icy. As they were getting onto the highway, their car slipped and ran into a semi-truck. It killed all three of them. The three of them wake up together in heaven. They notice an angel standing over them and one of them asks "Where are we?". The angels says: "Congratulations, you made it to heaven". The angel decides to show them around the place and starts at a banquet. "Here is a banquet for you three to enjoy, you've earned it". Chester looks a little sad, and Earl notices and asks him, "What's wrong?". Chester finally speaks up, "Okay, this is so nice of you to put together, but we're on a diet. I wouldn't want to overdo my calorie intake for the day". The angle replies to them, "No worries, you can have as much food as you like without worrying about it". The guys are elated by that news, when the angel decides to show them another place. Next, the angel decides to show them a place where they can spend time having fun. He shows them to a massive building with games everywhere you look. There are at least 50 pool tables, 30 bowling alley lanes, people are playing poker, there are arcade games everywhere, and tons of people enjoying themselves. He tells them, "This is where you may spend much of your time, if you choose. Many people enjoy it here and you might find some new friends". The guys really like this room, but Earl notices that Chester is looking sad again. Earls asks him, "What's wrong?". Chester responds with, "My wife left me because of my gambling problems, I don't want to disappoint anyone else because of it. I'm afraid I wont be able to enjoy this area". The angel then slightly irritated lets him know, "Don't you see? There are no problems here. You don't have to worry about gambling issues, because money isn't an issue here". Chester is especially happy to hear that news, and the angel decides to show them where they are going to live. The angel finally takes them to the third place, and it is a huge mansion. The guys are led inside, when the angel says, "This is where you three can live, if you choose to. Otherwise we have some other mansions, if you want to live alone". The guys are very intrigued by the house, they notice a big window on a wall with an amazing view. They could see for at least 5 miles clearly. They all can't help but gasp when looking through the window. Earl can't help but be concerned about this place. He decides to ask, "So, uh… What's the rent here?". The angel looks back at them with an irritated glare are replies "Nothing? It's free". Earl is sure to thank the angel and says, "Wow! That's so kind of you guys!". Bert notices that Chester is looking a little sad. Bert says, "What's wrong Chester? Isn't it amazing here?". Chester looks up, looks Bert in the eye and says a little mad, "If it weren't for your goddamn diet. Bert. We could've been here 20 years ago!".
It’s the same for every language.
The President of the United States saves the economy from the COVID-19 slowdown.
What do you code in?
He’s not wrong!
I’m a boomer, and this is deep
Why is mother always right?
Cause dad's left.
They probably can’t read