Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says…
"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' … and she's always sound asleep."
It becomes a laughing stock
It's ridiculous and unfair. Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country.
First i find out im adopted, then I found out that both of my dads are gay.
but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.
An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
"You just follow the instructions." "Which instructions?" "Yeah, they're the ones."
Did you know that the secret service can no longer yell “Get Down!” when the president is in danger?
Now they have to say, “Donald, Duck!”
I've heard nothing since.
It's because he is the man of steel. One of my students told me he made this up and I couldn't be more proud.
They are so full of themselves.
Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating
I will stop at nothing to avoid them
Just two palms and no dates.
The odds were against me. Edit: Thanks so much!! This is my first award!
But none of them work.
He was being mean
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
but with extra steps!
Turns out he wasn’t born yesterday.
I’ve never had a beef with one.
Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?
Haha, I made you smile.
I shouted back, “That’s a weird way to start a conversation!”
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
You don’t know what you’re missing.
Because spreading misinformation is government's job.
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates…
The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."