Two months late, and a ventilator short
He called it his Run-around suit
You can't tell me that's just a coincidence.
Normally i don’t go because I’m poor
My wife is doing a sponsored parachute jump tomorrow and I am genuinely terrified that the chute won’t open.
Last time something that big hit the earth, the fucking dinosaurs got wiped out.
How different do you think your life would have been if your parents named you Moe instead of Neil and would you still use your full name?
..and then he kills them all in a flood for not doing what he tells them.
Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said…
"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."
But in the bathroom, European.
… and a lifetime ban from the New York Zoo.
…by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy…
Looks like I’m in for a wild December.
Bob forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really pissed. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I want to see a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
When it's ajar
No text found
I just want to give a shout out to all you motherfuckers out there.
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.' The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with four children — he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'
And now we have a virus.
But alas John came fifth, so he won the toaster.
I think it meant a great deal to him.
But when I do he laughs
So far I have made three jugs and a vase so fuck you, Mr. Johnson!
The Mechanical engineer says: – "It's a broken starter". The Electrical engineer says: – "Dead battery". The Chemical engineer says: – "Impurities in the Gasoline" The IT engineer says: – "Hey guys, i have an idea how about we all get out of the car and get back in".
A metalhead \M/
I’m nervous she won’t be able to pull it off.
They each got six months.
But I am 2² to say it.
To get to the udder side
The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?"
WHAT IN THE HECK HAPPENED TO MY ROOF?