Two old jews are sitting in a park and reading newspaper
One of them notices that the other's paper is from a really antisemite organization and basically a pure antisemitic propaganda
"What the hell are you reading? Why don't you read our jewish papers?"
"You see Chaim" the other man says calmly "When I read our newspapers all I see are pogroms, antisemitic hate crimes and it's just depressing and scary, here on the other hand" he says while showing his friend the frontpage " I'm apparently a masterminded banker, have millions in secret accounts and even rule the whole world!"
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Oh, it's a really obscure number. You've probably never heard of it.
Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves…
…but I don't like to point fingers…
A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughters innocence, the mother turns around and says “Don’t worry that was just an insect”. To which her daughter replies “I’m surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that”
A gorilla walks into a bar
A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it. So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything." So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore. "You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here." And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."
After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s ……a long story.
How does Harry Potter like to go down hills?
Walking! Jk, Rowling
What does the scrotum of a catholic priest look like?
Stupid question, even a child knows that.
Last night my girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed…
2 minutes later she told me all the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”
“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.” The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick. The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked two more times and after eating them again the owner says: “Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?” The Irishman then said: “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”
Recess and cookies
An elementary teacher asks her students what they did during recess. Teacher: Johnny what did you do doing recess? Johnny: I played in the sandbox. Teacher: Okay, if you can write the word "sand" on the board, you get a cookie. Johnny writes "sand" and gets his cookie. Teacher: Alright Suzie, what did you do? Suzie: I played in the sandbox with Johnny. Teacher: Okay, if you can write the word "box" on the board, you get a cookie. Suzie writes "box" and gets her cookie. Teacher: Jamal, what did you do? Jamal: Well, I tried to play with Johnny and Suzie, but they kicked sand in my face. Teacher: Oh no, that sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can write "blatant racial discrimination" on the board, you get a cookie.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop eating Pasta
Now I'm feeling cannelloni
My wife said I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right.
My girlfriend just admitted she was having an affair with our teacher.
I don't know what's worse, that I'm being cheated on or the fact we're both homeschooled.
I can cut a log in half just by looking at it
It's not impossible, I saw it with my own two eyes.
A Chinese man walks into a bar and sits right next to a Jewish man.
The Jewish man starts eyeing the Chinese man suspiciously, a dark expression covering his face. Suddenly, with no warning at all, he stands up, grabs the Chinese man by the neck, smashes his face against the bar and throws him to the floor. The Chinese man, dazed and angry, stands up and confronts the Jewish man. “What the fuck is wrong with you?! Why would you do that?!” The Jewish man looks him in the eye and says “That was for bombing Pearl Harbor.” The Chinese man froze. “For bombing Pe- but that was the Japanese!! I am Chinese!” “Japanese, Chinese, Korean, you’re all the same to me”, said the Jewish man. Dumbfounded, the Chinese man sits at the bar and orders another beer. He keeps eyeing the Jewish man, a dark expression on his face. Suddenly, he grabs his beer mug and smashes it against the Jewish man’s face, then proceeds to punch him and kick him until the Jewish man isn’t moving any more. He sits back at the bar. After a couple of minutes, the Jewish man struggles to his feet, stumbles to the bar, and confronts the Chinese man. “What the fuck was that about?” The Chinese man sips his beer, and without looking at the Jewish man, he says “That was for sinking the Titanic.” Outraged, the Jewish man goes red. “Sinking the Ti- that was an iceberg!!” The Chinese man shrugs. “They’re all the same to me, icebergs, Goldbergs, Rosenbergs, Silberbergs…”
A guy gets hit by a car.
He wakes up in the hospital with the nurse right next to him. The guy asks if he'll be ok, and the nurse replies with yes. The nurse asks "You'll need to pay for your stay here, which comes to about 20 grand. Do you have enough money?" The guy replies "No, unfortunately, money is tight for me." The nurse asks "well do you have any relatives that could help you pay?" The guy says "No, my only living relative is my sister. She's an un-married nun." The nurse interrupts and says "Actually, nuns are married to God." The guys goes "Ok then, send the bill to my brother-in-law."
I saw my wife using her phone to record her getting a haircut.
I think she’s planning to watch the highlights later.
My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed.
After we broke up, she went fucking bananas.
Why do people have their whisky neat instead of on the rocks?
Because it's noice.
What do you call a sentence that can hurt you ?
A punchline…
Me, trying to sound smart: So, who is your favorite philosopher?
Her: It’s Hume. Me: Sorry, whom is your favorite philosopher?
Windmills are not all that popular.
Despite having a huge fan base.
Call me a racist if you want but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption, and stupidity. I wouldn’t touch it with a 10 foot pole.
I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.
Hey dad, how do you feel?
I feel with my hands. That was my dad’s go to, directly followed by: dad: can I make you a sandwich Me: sure Dad: (does magic hands) poof you’re a sandwich It’s almost 3 years since he died. I miss his joke every damn day.
One of my friends stole all the DVDs of my horror movie collection.
In the end I decided to let him go. However, I still hold The Grudge.
Cockroaches can survive a nuclear holocaust but can’t survive a slap from a newspaper.
That shows how toxic the media is.
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present
Cop: You ARE the lawyer Me: So where's my present?!
My son turned 27, so he’s no longer covered by my health insurance.
In other words, his manufacturer's warranty is up.
I didn’t think wearing orthopedic shoes would help me…
I stand corrected.
Why is getting broken up with like doing algebra?
You've got an ex, and you're trying to figure out why.
What do you call a wizard who walks everywhere on bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath?
A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.