Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.
Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
First Lady:Whats that?
Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesnt get wet.
First Lady: Where did you get it?
Second Lady : You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers. Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
I’m fine letting other people dot my i’s, but crossing my t’s?
That's where I draw the line.
Jane was waiting for Sam to return from an outing with his boss. Around 6:30 p.m., she began to worry.
Sam finally stumbled in around 8pm, and looked exhausted and worn out. "What happened? You were supposed to be here 3 hours ago. You look horrible!" Sam caught his breath and collapsed on his couch. "We were playing golf… we got to the third hole, and the boss had a heart attack and died on the spot." Jane gasped. "Oh my God- that must have been horrible!" "Tell me about it," replied Sam. "For 15 more holes, it was hit the ball, drag the boss, hit the ball, drag the boss…"
We all know about Murphy’s Law – Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law?
It’s thinly sliced cabbage.
I’m deathly afraid of speed bumps,
but I’m slowly getting over it.
My girlfriend used to smoke after we made love
so we started using lubricant
How do you find put how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?
give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
I’m going to join the Navy purely out of spite
I’m longing to become a Petty Officer.
Today I quit drinking for good
now I only drink for evil
Our front door was locked, so I tried to force it open.
My wife said, “You are not a Jedi, just use the goddamn key.”
My wife and I argued about the roof of a building.
I hope it doesn't terrace apart.
Little Timmy walked in on his parents having sex.
“Timmy! Close your eyes and leave!” Timmy’s mom yelled. “But… what were you doing?” Timmy asks. “Well, your father has big beer belly, so I was jumping up and down on him to flatten him out!” The mother responds, nervous. “Well, there’s no use in that.” “Well, why not?” “Because when you’re out shopping, the lady next door comes in and blows him back up!”
Back in the day, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Now, everyone owns a car and the rich have horses…
My, how the stables have turned!!
Why is it so difficult for a T-Rex to masturbate?
Because they're extinct.
What is yellow, but tastes like red paint
Yellow paint
A man and his wife are in bed, the man is really horny and wants to have sex, but the woman just wants to read her book, so she refuses.
the man, frustrated, jumps out of bed and goes down to the basement, and when he returns to bed, he's holding a sheep. The man says "this is the pig i cheat on you with when you're busy" . the women looks at him and says "honey, that's a sheep in your hands". The man turns to her and says " I wasn't talking to you".
Why cant a penis be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot
People in Athens hate getting up early
…because Dawn is tough on Greece.
A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.
An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel. A realist sees a freight train. The train driver sees 3 fucking idiots standing on the train tracks.
To the person who stole my glasses, I’m warning you
I have contacts.
My wife told me that she hates revolving doors and is afraid that she’ll get stuck in them.
I said, “You’ll come around eventually.”
A clown just held the door open for me,
I thought it was a nice Jester.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: “The driver just insulted me.” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
Why can’t Usain Bolt listen to music while running?
Because he keeps breaking the record.
Idea
Could the r/dankmemes reddit be banning non europeans just as a dank meme?
A brother hits his sister in the eye with a pool noodle.
It was an accident but the girl gets a really nasty black eye. So the next day the girl gets to tell to all her friends about it and blames the brother. The brother doesn’t like the unwarranted attention. He goes to his father and tells him he doesn’t like his sister telling everyone he hit her. The father finds it reasonable and tells the sister not to tell people about it as it is embarrassing the brother. The next day she goes to school and the teacher notices the black eye. The teacher goes up to girl and asks if she is alright. The girl responds that she is fine. The teacher then asks how she got such a nasty black eye. The sister responds, “My father told me not to say.”
I lift weights only on Saturday and Sunday…
…because Monday to Friday are weak days…
Why did the blind person fall into the well?
They didn’t see that well.
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg.
Me: Hey, can you help me with a crossword clue? I’m stuck.
Her: Sure, what is it? Me: “Overworked postmen.” Her: But how many letters? Me: Too many.
(At court) Me: Your honor, between the hours of 10 pm and 11 pm, I was having sex.
Judge: Who the hell are you? You are not even in this trial. Me: I know. I just want it on the record.
TIL: If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
Love is like a fart
If you have to force it it’s probably shit.
Vladimir Putin was practicing a eulogy speech for an assassinated Russian politician in front of a mirror…
(ahem!) "He was a dear patriot and credit to the Motherland, whom I personally adored as a friend and colleague. I vow, as leader of Russia, to find the culprits responsible for this vicious murder…" Putin then stopped and turned to his aide. "Are you sure this strikes the right tone, Yuri? I mean, in terms of timing? I've been a bit preoccupied, so remind me, when was he killed?" After a few moments consulting his ipad, the aide replies, "Next week, sir."
Tarzan spent his whole life living in the jungle and had no idea what sex is.
One day Jane decided to give him a few hours of sex ed and explain it all to him with gestures like he was a child: "Tarzan, this thing hanging between your legs is your rag and this thing you see between my legs is a washing machine… What you have to do is wash your rag in my machine." The next 5 evenings Tarzan has been washing his rag uncontrollably. When the exhausted Jane finally manages to catch her breath she tells him: "Tarzan, listen to me… You can't wash your rag so often because the washing machine will break." You need to wash it every three to four days. Tarzan listens to her and for the next month he doesn't even lay a finger on the machine. One day Jane becomes anxious and asks him: "Tarzan, what's wrong? Why haven't you washed your rag in my machine for a month?" Tarzan responds happily: "Tarzan learn to wash by hand!!!"
A farmer has 3 bulls and 200 cows
One of the bulls is large and has 100 cows to himself. The second bull is medium sized and has 70 cows. The third bull is small and has 30 cows. One day the farmer gets another bull. The large bull says, “I don’t care how big he is, he’s not getting a single one of my cows.” The medium bull says, “Same here, those are my cows.” The small bull agrees saying, “I’ll fight if I have to, but he’s not taking my cows.” The new bull is brought to the farm. The trailer is shaking, and the door bursts open. One of the farmhands is launched backwards, and massive bull comes out of the trailer. The large bull says, “Forget it, he can have my cows.” The medium bull, quivering by now, says, “No way can I stop him. I guess he can have my cows, too.” They look to the small bull to see him raring up for a fight. “What the hell are you doing?! You can’t hope to take him,” they scream to the small bull. The small bull calmly replies, “I’m trying to make sure he knows I’m not a cow.”
I like my women like I like my whiskey.
12 years old and mixed up with coke. Disclaimer: This is just a joke. I do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke.