Two Pretzels Were Walking Down The Road
One got a-salted.
dating me
pros and cons of dating me pros : dating cons: me
I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny, and the Tooth Fairy.
Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.
Finland has just closed their borders
No one will be crossing the finish line
What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blueberry
I lost my mood ring today.
I'm not sure how I feel about it.
I found a pen that writes underwater
It writes other words too
I made a graph showing my past relationships
It has an ex-axis and a why-axis
I was just diagnosed with color blindness…
… it came completely out of the purple.
I was once kidnapped by a group of mimes
They did unspeakable things to me
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff…
“Ba-dumm-Tsss”
Friends are like snow
When you pee on them, they disappear.
David Hasselhoff walked into a bar
and ordered a drink. “Its a pleasure to serve you, Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender. “Just call me Hoff,” the actor replied. “Sure,” the bartender said, “no hassle.”
My friend started making art out of marijuana…
It’s pretty dope
Why does a duck have feathers?
To cover its butt quack.
Yesterday my 7 year old son asked me
Yesterday my seven year old son asked me "where does poo come from?". I was a little bit uncomfortable but I gave him an honest explanation. Then he looked at me a little perplexed for a few seconds and then he asked "And Tigger?"
Why are there no cats on mars?
Curiosity killed them all.
I accidentally locked myself in a room with nothing but a deck of cards..
I was in solitaire confinement.
My friends accused me that I have no sense of direction
So I grabbed my things and right.
What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland?
Well, the flag is a big plus.
To be honest, this is the sub in a nutshell
https://imgur.com/a/7cAWQeD
My ex-wife cheated on me with her deaf best friend!
Honestly, I should have seen the signs.
Welcome to a post from literally any Facebook page that has “laughs” in its name
https://ift.tt/2Pyt6qZ
[presidential test post]
pls ignore
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents!
You haven’t tried the delicious Bacon-Liver-Anchovy sandwich?
You're missing gout.
I believe in the vagina like other people believe in God.
I've never seen one before, but I have faith.
I suggested to my wife that we make some Indian bread for a group dinner appetizer.
It was a total naan starter.
Why is the letter B so cool?
Because it’s sitting in the middle of the AC
