Two Priests are walking down the street when a drunk man comes up to them.
He says to the first Priest "I'm Jesus Christ."
The Priest replies "No son, you're not!"
So he says to the second "I'm Jesus Christ."
He says "No son, you're not."
The drunk says "Look I can prove it."
He takes the two Priests into the bar.
The bartender takes one look at the drunk and says "JESUS CHRIST YOU'RE HERE AGAIN!!!"
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
Where’d the Van Gogh?
So then when one dies I'll still have two
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia…
Because the chicken told him to teargas protestors for a photo-op
I guess they drank the t
Because Dawn is tough on Greece
Because attachments are forbidden
But I'm not impressed, I've had a canon printer for ages.
He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes. Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive."
No text found
He fingered a minor.
She wanted to see the task manager.
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over
My partner thinks Adidas, but I think Reebok is a good name for a baby boy.
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?""What do you mean strange?""Because you sell only trumpets and guns!""So?""Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?""It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
I’ve never been so happy to make everyone at a table hate me. Another player and I were getting into a pretty big pot at the Texas Hold Em table at my local casino last night. Towards the end of the hand, he went “all-in” meaning he bet all of the rest of his chips. When he pushed his stacks of chips in the middle, there was a really long hair hanging off of the chips that stayed attached to the top of his chip stack. When the dealer counted up his stack he said “the bet is $205” And I replied “ah, so just a hair over 200 dollars then??” I’ve never wanted kids, but the audible groans I was rewarded with are now making me think I might be ignoring my calling.
I couldn’t decide what to get my buddy for Christmas, so I got him a prostitute with an accounting degree.
It's the thot that counts.
As if any of us still have jobs
A grand entrance
Scotish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve: “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing”…
"Forty-five years of misery is enough”, he continued. "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.” Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!” She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Sorted! They're coming for Christmas – and they're paying their own way."
Because they aren't lion
There’s this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, Your wife fell three times this week."
I had a difficult, emotional talk with my 9-year-old son this morning. There was a lot of crying and “nobody wants me on their team” and “I haven’t got any friends”.
Anyway, he was very nice about it and gave me some good tips for being more sociable.
"Who the fuck is Susan?" I asked. She said, "You tell me. You were the one sleep talking."
I won't miss you.
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of "in" is.