Two scientists are playing Minecraft.
Two scientists are playing Minecraft. One is new to the game and doesn’t know much about it. At some point, he crafts a pickaxe, but doesn’t know what to do with it, so he asks the more experienced scientist.
Scientist 1: Bro, what should I do with this pickaxe that I crafted?
Scientist 2: Br.
…it made a bolt for the door.
…well would you look at that, it's a tie.
I was on the phone with my wife and said, “I’m almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on.” After a twenty second pause, I asked, “You still there sweetheart?”
"Yeah…" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"
I got arrested for a salt!
it tastes the same, but it's just not right.
We had some drinks, cool guy, he wants to be a web developer
Its a boring job
I can’t believe that even after 15 years of the show ending, people are still making “Friends” references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Otherwise I'd have some pretty dim innuendos.
Because communication is key.
I had to fight my wife, two doctors, and a nurse to finally do it.
Is this Trudeau?
The title says it all.
Because it gets smaller after every mistake I make
I don't need this "omg i cant drive a train" shit
…it sounds like putting a shell to your ear.
One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?" The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat." The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers." Then they turn to the one who asked the question: "How about you, then?" "Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West.
W-I-F-E They tell you what to do all day long!
At halftime it's Maroon 5 Patriots 3 Rams 0
it was groundbreaking
Either your name is Scott or it isn’t.
My teacher always starts her class by reading one of the posts from r/jokes, but today she’s absent.
So instead, a subreddit.
I’m the CIEIO!!!!
Stupid question, even a child knows that.
Well, I guess she was wearing them at the time.
It was cooked in Greece
A gallon of water. Butane is lighter fluid.
I'm trying to get out, but all the roads have this weird design flaw…
So…Is it a freefall? I asked him. He said, It is, indeed. I said, Good, because I haven't got any money.
In case I get a hole in one
My bio says otherwise
Me: A blowjob Gf: Me: Gf: Waitress: I'll give you two a couple more minutes.
They can’t get rid of their bills
Because they lactose.
No! How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat!?
… and bought a bottle of whisky. I put the bottle in the bike basket but before riding back I thought: what if I fall down for some reason? The bottle will break! So I drank the whole bottle of whisky before riding home. And thank God I did, because I must have fallen down about a dozen times before I got home.
Bought a bing. Bought a boom.
Anyone can learn to roast beef.
and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 4.