Two serious developers having a very serious discussion on twitter
Ah yes… because boomers were the only ones that got injured from playing outside. đ
https://ift.tt/340rTxe
1 week before Grandad died we bought him a snowboard…
…he went downhill very quickly after that.
4 Bedroom, “2” bathrooms – Perfect New Home for a Systems Admin
I am not poking fun at anyone for being lower income, you can tell by the picture it’s a nice home. But in my search for a home I found this house and their master “bathroom” really sold me.https://imgur.com/j1345OnâPlease post all potty IT jokes
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language
What did the 0 say to the 8 ?
Nice belt
To save money I made myself a pair of glasses out of 2 old ketchup bottles.
In Heinz-sight I should have just bought a proper pair
I love the way the Earth rotates…
It really makes my day.
A farmer in a field had 198 sheep
But when he rounded them up he had 200
Why was the cheese deformed?
Because it was inbred.
I threw a firecracker towards a dart board.
It was bang on target.
It’s a conversation between me and my 6 y o cousin…Sorry if it is not funny enough for you
him: Knock knock me: Who's there? him: A snail me: a snail who? him: a snail you threw out of the window two weeks ago asking why
Today, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall.
As he turned and sneered at me, I thought, "that's a little condescending."
What do we want! Low flying aircraft noises!
When do we want them! Nooooooooooowwwwwwwwww
My friend is a gay midget, who finally decided it was time to tell his parents
I was so proud of him for coming out of the cabinet!
Whatâs the similarity between a grenade and a wife?
You pull off the ring and then your house is gone
Whatâs E.T. short for?
Heâs only got little legs.
An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.
They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says âcould you pass the honey, honey?â The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says âcould you pass the sugar, sugar?â The Irish man – not wanting to be out witted by the other two men – looks over at his wife and says âCould you pass me the milk ye fucking cow?â
They say there’s a person capable of murder in every friendship group
I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.
“Hey dad, I’m taking a shower”
"Alright, make sure to bring it back"
Why can’t Ganondorf surf the web?
Cause there's too many Links
Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves…
…but I don't like to point fingers…
I decided to kill off a few characters in the book I’m writing.
I just felt the need to spice up my autobiography.
How do bees welcome their guests?
They buzz them in.
What lies on its back, 100 feet in the air?
A dead centipede.
A magician stops a woman on a street….
âPick a card, any cardâ he says. She grabs one at random. âNow, look away and memorize that card. Donât show me.â She turns away, memorizes it, and turns back to see that the man was gone. She lived her life as any other. She got a job, fell in love, got married, and got pregnant with her first child. Fast forward 9 months. âPush, PUSHâ the midwife and doctors urged. âYouâre almost there!â âThe baby! Sheâs crowning!â âBut… whatâs that in her HAND???â âIt… it looks like…â âIs THIS your card?â a familiar voice said.
I had a vasectomy so my wife wouldn’t get pregnant..
..but apparently all it does is change the colour of your baby.
If con is opposite of pro..
then is Congress the opposite of progress?
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender
"Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street. The next evening the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." The bartender thinks to himself, "The man can't be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, tonight he must have enough money", and gives beer to everyone. After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street. One evening later the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, and beer for everyone who is now in the bar." In disgust, the bartender asks "What, no beer for me this time?" "No," answers the man, "you get violent when you drink."
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
he was very self absorbed.
[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.
A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar. I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well…until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones…and picked the worst possible one to start with. Here's the joke I told: "What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath? Throw your washing (laundry if you're American) in." One of the new friends instantly became enraged and swung for me. When I asked him what the hell his problem was he replied that his younger brother was epileptic and died in the bath many years ago. Obviously I felt mortified as I didn't know about it, and said "I'm so sorry to hear that. Did he drown?" "No," replied the guy. "He choked on a sock."
Call a girl beautiful 1000 times, and she won’t think twice…
Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember. Because elephants never forget
Do You Know Why They Don’t Have Covid-19 in Antarctica?
Because they are ICE-O-LATED
What did the lesbian vampire say to her date?
Iâll see you next month
I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants,
Youâve probably never heard of herbivore.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 1 minute all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
My computer said my password is insecure.
Well maybe if it wasn't forced to have such strict requirements it would be more confident.
Why canât a nose be 12 inches long?
Then it would be a foot.
You’re riding a horse full speed. There’s a giraffe next to you and a lion chasing you, what do you do?
Get your drunk ass off the carousel.
When God closes a door, He opens a window.
My point is, this church needs a better fire evacuation system.
Whatâs the difference between an old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
Oneâs a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
Walls of youth
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father took an outing to a shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, 'What is this Father?' The father responded, 'Son,I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.' While the boy and his father were watching with amazement,a fat old lady in a motorized cart moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. The doors opened and a young blonde stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son….. 'Go get your Mother'