Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.
Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.
One said, "Think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'These feel just like your sister's."
Then you try to stay on for 8 seconds.
What do you call a $1000 door?
A grand entrance
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my word.
Why condoms come in packs of 3, 6 and 12!
A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, "two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies. "Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March…"
My son told me that heβs afraid of the 25th letter of the alphabet
I asked him why but he just kept screaming
Robber broke into my house to find money
I searched with him
Eating a clock is very time consuming
No text found
Went and bought a sweater yesterday. The thing just kept picking up static electricity.
I went to return it and they gave me another one free of charge.
If your ever get locked outside of your house just talk to your door lock.
Because communication is key.
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.
Or as my doctor insists on calling it, a colonoscopy
There was once a cross eyed teacher
They couldnβt control their pupils
I went into a restaurant the other day
I said to the waitress, "Can I see the menu please?" She said,"the men I please has nothing to do with you".
Two satellites decided to get married
The wedding wasn't that good but the reception-amazing
How much does a chimney cost?
Nothing. It is on the house.
What’s the difference between me and cancer?
My dad didn't beat cancer
I haven’t had sex in so long
sometimes I go for a run in flip flops to remember what it sounds like.
My wife says that I wasted money by ordering a 3 meter wide frame for our wedding photo.
Well, I think she should look at the bigger picture.
What did the grape say when it got crushed?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
Samuel Beckett turned down a lowball offer for one of his plays.
He was waiting for good dough.
A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie.
During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says, "Jesus died for your scenes."
Donβt date tennis players…
Love means nothing to them
So I decided to build a Restaurant on the moon
The food is great and all but there's no atmosphere.
In heaven, there were two huge signs. The first read, Men Who Did What Their Wives Told Them to Do….
The line of men under this sign stretched as far as the eye could see. The second sign stated, Men Who Did What They Wanted to Do. Only one man stood under that sign. Intrigued, St. Peter said to the lone man, βNo one has ever stood under this sign. Tell me about yourself" The man shrugged and said, βMy wife told me to stand here.β
Why did Spiderman quit his day job?
He was tired of being a web developer.
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore, she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout and she turned to him and said…
"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son." He answered, "That's okay." "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out, 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy." She then went through the checkout and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye Mom!" The little old lady waved and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries. "That comes to $121.85." said the clerk. "How come so much! I only bought 5 items." The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your mother said you'd be paying for her things too."
What do you call a man that states the obvious?
A man that states the obvious
Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.
"You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live," the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion. He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is in shock and asks if there's anything he should do. The doctor pauses a moment and says, "Can I give you some non- medical advice?" "Sure, anything, Doc. I'm desperate! " "Are you religious? the doctor asks. "Not at all," says the patient. "Well," says the doctor, "I encourage you to join the Mormon church. Go to every service, get involved with every group and small organization you can and completely immerse yourself into that religion. I mean, EVERY aspect of it you can." The patient perks up and is feeling hopeful. "Will that extend my life?!" "No," says the doctor, "But it'll be the longest fucking 6 months you've ever had."
What do you call a mummy with a sore throat?
I donβt know. Sir Cough I guess.
A woman is walking home with her three daughters.
The eldest daughter turns to her and asks, "Mummy, how did I get my name?" "Well sweetie, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Rose". The second daughter, now curious, asks the same question. "Well darling, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a lily petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Lily." The third girl asks "AAArrgghhrasfdg". "Shhh, quiet now, Cinderblock".
Help me out with my uni assignment by completing this survey :(
Hey old fellas of boomer. It would be great if y’all take some time to fill out this quick survey I’m conducting for my uni assignment. Try to make your answers long pleaseeeβhttps://ift.tt/3ayaejr
Two Elves walk into a bar,
The hobbit laughs and walks under it.
Once long ago, a fisherman heard beautiful singing while he was alone a at sea.
He followed the enchanting voice till he came upon a singing yellowfin tuna. He knew he had found something incredible. He caught the fish, kept it alive and returned home. He showed his friends and posted videos on tik tok, and the singing fish went viral. It could sing almost anything, but Pavarotti was it's favorite. The fisherman toured around the world with the fish and set up a website to sell merch. The clothing he made sold like crazy, so he ordered thousands of short sleeve shirts to be made in advance. Unfortunately, the fish died, and the public lost interest. The fisherman was left with endless opera tuna tees.
I accidentally joined an organization…
I accidentally joined a pro-secession organization. When I tried to leave, I was elected as their chairman. EDIT: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger!