Two Things We’ve Learned
What’s Irish and stays out all night?
Patty O’Furniture
Why was F jealous of C?
Because it was hotter
If it helps others or those less fortunate, then he will always ignore the problem
https://ift.tt/39jutk7
Where do horses go when they get sick?
To the horspital! Just kidding, they get shot.
If a blind girl says you have a big penis
She's probably pulling your leg
Why aren’t all oceans one depth?
They’re inconsistent seas.
I really hope this whole COVID-19 thing gets cleared up before tick season
Because then we’d have corona with Lyme
Today I started an argument with my wife while riding in an elevator
I was wrong on many levels
At last I found some concrete IT support
https://i.imgur.com/xKsNWyA.png
A guy was admitted to the hospital with 8 plastic horses in his stomach.
His condition is stable now.
One night, a Boston police officer knocked on a woman’s door.
"Ma'am", he said, removing his hat, "I'm here about your husband. We have bad and good news". "Please, give me the bad news first", the woman replies. The officer replied: "I'm sorry, but somone stabbed your husband, cut his skin off and threw his corpse in the harbor." The woman began wailing, and crumpled to her knees. Utterly despondent she begged the cop: "Please, what could possibly be the good news?" He replied: "Well Ma'am, when we pulled him up he had 20 four-pound lobsters crawling on him. Would you like one?" Sobbing even louder, the woman shouted: "How DARE you! I've never been so insulted in my entire life!" The officer replied: "Well, if you change your mind, we're pulling him up again tomorrow morning."
Sign language really comes in handy
No text found
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
I used to shave my scrotum with a straight razor.
But since I got Parkinson's, I don't have the balls to do it anymore.
They said that a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket.
They lied, everyone else has clothes on.
A warning to people with kidney disease.
Urine trouble.
Did you know piranhas can devour a small child down to the bone in less than 30 seconds?
Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed. 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently. 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. 17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions. 6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb.' Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid. 22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jerks. 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp.' 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct. 49 to post memes and gifs (several are of Michael Jackson eating popcorn). 19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page. 11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here. 24 to discuss the merits of LED/swirly fluorescent light bulbs. 44 to claim LED and fluorescent bulbs will kill you. 12 to post F. 8 to ask what F means. 36 People to post pics of their own light bulbs. 15 People to post "I can't see S$%!" and use their own light bulbs. 6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said "f÷×$" 4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?". 13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs." 1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments. 50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views. 5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously. 1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.
A man and his wife go to a therapist.
Therapist: What brought you two here today? Her: I hate how he takes things so literally. Therapist: And you? Him: A car.
I accidentally locked myself in a room with nothing but a deck of cards..
I was in solitaire confinement.
What does a lawyer wear to court
A lawsuit
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes…
And then she gave me a huge hug.
I was doing a little shopping at my local grocery store.
As the cute cashier was ringing up my stuff, she saw that all I had was some ramen noodles, frozen burritos, and canned spaghetti. She giggled and said “I can tell your single”. I laughed and asked “what gave it away?” She said “you’re fuckin ugly”
I don’t get why everyone wants Trump to be a peach…
When he would look perfectly natural dressed as an orange.
Before the surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle…
It was an ether/oar situation.
How many lumberjacks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
'Bout tree fellers.
What do you get when you mix human DNA with goat DNA
Kicked out of the petting zoo
I didn’t know what to wear to my premature ejaculation support group
So I just came in my pants.
What do you call an airplane that flies backwards?
A receding airline.
