Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf…
I haven’t heard from him since…
Coronavirus has been copying the Black Death
Plaguearism
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7 8…
A woman in labour suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
“Don’t worry,” said the doctor. “Those are just contractions.”
A man takes his seat at the NBA final. He looks over and notices there’s an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the NBA final?” The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last four NBA finals together, but sadly she passed away.” The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?” The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."
As a doctor, I hate making jokes about an unvaccinated child.
But I’m thinking of giving it a shot.
If lightning always follows the path of least resistance
Why doesn't it only strike in France?
Wife: “I’m pregnant.”
Me: “Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad.” Wife: “No you’re not.”
What was the farmer doing on the other side of the road?
Catching all the chickens that had crossed it
The cocaine that I bought is so white..
..That the cops just let it go with a warning.
What’s the difference between an ISIS outpost and an Iraqi preschool?
I have no idea, I just fly the drone.
I’ve often heard that “icy” is the easiest word to spell
Looking at it now, I see why.
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.
On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
When a knight in Prague dons his armor…
…the Czech is in the mail.
Matthew McConaughey’s Lincoln can’t turn left
It just goes all-right all-right all-right
I found out that my Toaster wasn’t waterproof…
I was in complete Shock.
How are condoms and poop bags alike?
If either one breaks at the wrong time, you could have a little shit on your hands.
My wife just told me she has the body of a teenager.
I guess she found out about me and the babysitter.
In the Harry Potter books, Sirius Black is in his early 30’s,
… but in the movies, he look like an Oldman.
Why did the doctor get angry ?
Because he lost his patients .
If I had to rate our solar system,
I'd give it one star.
As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection,
"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.
What’s Forrest Gumps password?
1forrest1
A Chinese guy in the U.S. goes to exchange his currency.
He exchanges C¥10,000 and gets US$1,500. The next day, he exchanges another C¥10,000, but gets only US$1,499. He asks why. The exchange clerk says, “Fluctuations.” The Chinese guy is shocked for a moment, and yells back, “Fluctuamelicans!”
2020 is going to be a great year.
I can see it so clearly.
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.
So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door. That way we won’t get paint on our clothes and can move more freely to get the job done faster. So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice t*ts. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
A daughter accidentally sees her mother getting out of the shower…
The girl points at the mom’s pubic hair and says “Mommy, what’s that?” The mom, not knowing how to respond, replies “Uh, it’s my washcloth”. The daughter accepts this answer and runs off to play. About two weeks later, the mother finds herself in the same precarious situation. “Mommy! Where did your washcloth go?” the girl says in shock. “I lost it, honey” replies the mom. “Ok!” The daughter says as she darts off. Later that night as the mother is on the couch reading a book the daughter runs in, excited, “Mommy!! Mommy!! I found your washcloth!” “You did?! Where was it??” “The maid has it!” the daughter shouted “And she’s washing daddy’s face with it!”
My wife really hates that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed my things and right.
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws
Two deer walks out of a gay bar…
One says to the other, "I can't believe I just blew thirty bucks in there".
I’ve opened up a restaurant called “Karma”
There is no menu, you get what you deserve.
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
A demon caught three men, an American, an Indian, and a Brit.
The demon said that he is going to eat them. But being in good mood he gave them chance to escape death and go home, should they pass his test: survive three strikes of his whip. He also said that they can wish for any one thing to protect themselves against the whip. The American gone first. He wished for a shield made of titanum steel. But the shild held only for two strikes. At the first strike of the demonic whip it severely deformed, at the second strike it protected the American, but completely fell appart. The third strike killed the poor American. Then came the Indian. "I don't need anything to protect myself.", said the Indian. "I practiced yoga for decades, both my mind and my body are ready to withstand any punishment that you whip will give." And so he did. Demon's whip didn't leave even a scar on yogi's body . "Okay, you passed my test", the demon said,"You can go". "I will stick around for while, I'm curious about what the Brit will do." The demon asked the Brit: "Now it's your turn. What will you use to protect yourself?". "Why, the Indian, of course!".
I recently changed my alarm clock music to a Justin Bieber song.
Now I wake up 5 minutes earlier every day so that I don’t have to listen to it.