I saw 2000 pounds of quarters the other day
That’s a ton of money!
My therapist told me that I have trouble interpreting social cues.
I think she’s in love with me.
Is buttcheeks one word…
Or should I spread em apart?
I work in a hospital, and I found a rectal thermometer in my pocket today.
Some asshole must have my pen.
Maybe if we all emailed the Constitution to each other…
…the NSA will finally read it.
I was going to make a depressing joke.
But my parents already made one.
“Can someone give an example of things that are useless?” The teacher asked.
Me: raises hand Teacher: Very good. Any other examples?
I told my friend not to get excited about turning 32. Since her birthday would be short.
"Why would it be short?" she asked. I said, "Because it's your thirty-second birthday."
When I tell women about my 12” donkey dick…
They’re like “ooh I want to see it” But when I take it out of the freezer, they’re all “I have to be going.”
Help me out with my uni assignment by completing this survey :(
Hey old fellas of boomer. It would be great if y’all take some time to fill out this quick survey I’m conducting for my uni assignment. Try to make your answers long pleaseeehttps://ift.tt/3ayaejr
*Knock knock* “who is there?”
"Doris" "Doris who?" "Doris locked, that's why im knocking."
my son is a male trapped in a female body
he'll be born in may.
Samsung know I once bought one of their phones but they’re a bit sketchy on the details.
https://ift.tt/2ZvIt7n
Did you know that commas can change the meaning of a sentence.
For example Ben is in a hurry vs Ben is in a comma
I put root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
Why do ghosts get so many DUIs
Cuz they're full of BOOS
Have you heard of the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.
I once saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg
I asked him: "I bet i could guess your favourite holiday" He Replied: "Have to love Easter, baby."
An Irishman’s first drink with his son
I was watching that American TV show "Modern Family" and it got me thinking about the time I took my son out for his first drink. We went down the street to the local pub, only a couple of blocks away. I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like it, so I drank it. I ordered him a Smithwick's. He hated it, so I drank it. I bought him a Murphy's, he spit it out, so I drank it. I tried him with that bland American beer Coors, he barely took a sip and pushed it away, so I drank it. I figured maybe he would like Irish Whiskey instead, so I got him a shot of Jameson 18 year. He choked on it, so yeah, I drank that too. I had him try Redbreast 12 year, the year's Irish Whiskey Awards top whiskey. He turned away, wouldn't even smell it. What else could I do – I drank it! When I finally realized he just doesn't like alcohol, I was so shit-faced I could barely push his stroller home!
“Dad can you take your prosthetic off the table?”
"No, I'm trying to get a leg up." (my actual amputee father)
Went to ask my girlfriends father for permission to marry
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!" I said: "Hi leaving I'm John!" The wedding is next month
Those fuckers jam out.
Those fuckers jam out.
A young man named Dave bought a horse from a farmer for $250
The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Dave's house and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died" Dave replied, "Well, then just give me my money back" The farmer said, "Can’t do that. I went and spent it already" Dave said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse" The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?" Dave said, "I’m going to raffle him off" The farmer said, "You can’t raffle off a dead horse!" Dave said, "Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell any body he’s dead" A month Later, the farmer met up with Dave and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?" Dave said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495" The farmer said, "Didn’t anyone complain?" Dave said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back"
My dad told me this one.
"All this LGBTQ shit is getting out of control. It wasn't like this when I was a little girl."
Kung Fu student asks his teacher: “Master, why does my ability not improve? I’m always defeated.”
And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon… when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
I bought a porn DVD today and all I could see was a dark image of some fat cunt sitting there holding his cock.
Then I realised the telly wasn't on.
I found out that missing eyebrows is an odd genetic trait in our family.
Dad didn't look surprised when I told him.
How do you get an old lady to say the f word?
You get another old lady to say “Bingo.”