James Somerton explains why he made a second “apology” video.
James Somerton explains why he made a second “apology” video.
My colleagues at work have given me the nickname “Mr. Compromise.”
It’s not my first choice, but I’m ok with it.
What’s the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is when you use a feather, kinky is when you use the whole chicken.
A man is washing his car with his son.
His son looks at him and says, “Dad…Why can’t you use a sponge?”
3 spies from England, France and Italy were sent to the USSR.
After a week they were captured and put in jail. The Russians took the English spy, tied and tortured him and after 20 minutes he gave all the info. Then the Russians took the French spy. They tied and tortured him, and after 20 minutes he too gave all the info. Then they took the Italian spy and did the same to him, but he didnt give any info. They kept torturing him for 3 hours but with no luck. Eventually they gave up and put him back in the cell. The 2 other spies asked him “How did you do that? They tortured us like crazy!” The Italian replied: “I wanted to give all my info, but they tied my hands and so I couldn't speak.
Whats the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boob implants?
One is a crusty bus station the other is a busty crustacean
I’ve just written a book on how to fall down a stair case.
It's a step-by-step guide.
All the girls in a classroom were upset by Little Eddy!
After months of enduring his foul language and sexual innuendoes in class, the girls decide to walk out of the class in protest in case Eddy says anything sexual or offensive. Class starts and the teacher says: "OK kids, today's subject will be buildings and construction. Who can tell me how buildings are made?" The class remains quiet, then little Eddy raises his hand and says "Madam, I know". The teacher says, "OK Eddy, please explain." Eddy: "Well, first before anything you need a permit from the city for the construction project to begin, that could take months. Once you get the permit, then come the bulldozers to basically dig into the earth to create the foundation. Then, cement is poured into the foundation and pylons are inserted. Around the pylons, the outer structure of the building is made, floors, walls, ceilings.Then comes wiring and plumbing. Next drywall can be installed along with flooring and fixtures. When all is said and done, you still have to get an occupancy permit from the city before you can actually use the building. The class remains quiet. The teacher says: WOW Eddy! Bravo, that was amazing, how did you learn all that? Eddy: For the past many months, just a few doors down from our house, they have been building what I think is a huge whore house, I've watched the whole thing from start to finish. At that moment, all the girls suddenly get up and start to walk out. Eddy looks around and says: Woah woah woah, girls sit down, they are still waiting for the permit!
Life before the computer:
Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider's home. A virus was the flu. A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived. And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy….. you just hoped nobody found out.
I’m having a bun filled with ham and pineapple for my lunch today…
That's Hawaii roll…
I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I just don’t know why.
Bought a dog from a blacksmith and as soon as I got it home…
…it made a bolt for the door.
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it…
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…" Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
What do you call a fat neo-nazi?
A wide supremacist.
A sheepdog tells the farmer he’s going to round up the sheep and comes back with 50 sheep and the farmer says “We only have 48 sheep.”
The dog replies "I said I was going to round them up,"
What do you call a bee’s stinger region?
Its bee-hind!
6:30 is the best time on a clock.
Hands down.
A man is staying at an old fashioned pub/inn
Downstairs in the tavern he is drinking before retiring to his room. The innkeep approaches him and proposes a challenge. He has a magical chicken that will grant him one wish if he can beat her in a trivia contest. The man is bemused but accepts the challenge, figuring there’s no harm in indulging him. The man brings out the hen from the back room. The innkeep explains that she only speaks Spanish, but he will translate. The man also speaks Spanish so they decide to have the contest in Spanish. They begin the trivia battle and the chicken wins decisively. The hen speaks perfectly Spanish and answers every question accurately. The man is blown away, a little disappointed not to get his wish but deciding that the novelty of a genius talking chicken was worth the time anyway. He tells in the innkeep about how he didn’t anticipate having such an interesting evening. The innkeeper laughs and says “No one expects the Spanish Inn quiz wish hen.”
At first I didn’t like having a beard
But then it grew on me
I’m okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana.
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
What do you call a veterinarian who practices chiropracty?
An animal cracker.
One of my 9th graders told me this joke. A guy was being investigated by the IRS…
A guy was being investigated by the IRS. After dodging the agent for weeks, his family convinced him to go get a lawyer and go talk to the irs agent. The guy goes to see the lawyer and they ride together to the IRS office to see what the problem is. The IRS agent meets the guy and tells him he has dozens of huge lumps of income with no taxes paid and no explanation. These were deposits of 1000, 5000, even 75000 dollars. The guy listened and offered an explanation. “I make bets with people, and I tend to win” The IRS agent found this very hard to believe. “You expect me to believe that? Someone make a 75 grand bet and paid it?” The guy offered an example. “I’ll bet you a thousand bucks right now that I can bite my own eye” The IRS agent thought to him self and accepted the bet. Thinking it was impossible. So the guy took out his glass eye, bit it, and put it back in his head. The IRS was shocked The guy offered another bet. “You don’t know me and that was unfair. I’ll bet you 5 grand I can bite my other eye” The IRS agent thought that would surely be impossible. He saw the man drive to his office with the lawyer. And he was the one driving. So he accepts the bet. The guy then takes out his false teeth, bites his other eye and puts them back in his mouth. The IRS agent was shocked. The guy offered him a way to break even. “I’ll bet you 6 thousand dollars I can pee into that coffee cup on your desk from across the room without getting a drop on the floor” Thinking it’s impossible and wanting his money back he accepts again. So the man stands against the far wall, gets ready to pee, and just end up peeing all over the agent’s carpet and chairs and walls. Only a drop landed in the cup. The IRS agent was ecstatic. Jumping up and down, cheering, and just excited he didn’t owe this guy 6 grand anymore. Then he spots the lawyer in the corner. “Why do you look so upset? Your clients free to go. No more investigation.” The lawyer gets up and says, “He bet me 200 thousand dollars on the way here that he’d pee all over your office and you’d love it.”
My son just told me his first dad joke. He’s 8, so go easy.
Son: what did the fig say to the table? Me: I don't know, what did the fig say to the table? Son, angry voice: Hey! I'm asking the questions here. You FIG-ure it out.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent. When does the punchline become apparent? After the delivery.
What did Tennessee?
The same thing that Arkansas.
A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit.
It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. "Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes." After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?" She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."
Last night, my neighbor got on his tractor and started yelling, “The end is near!!” Man, I really hate…
…living next to Farmer Geddon!
What if I lifted a pack of Coca-Cola over my head for twenty minutes a day every day?
That would be soda pressing.
A girl asked me if I had a foot fetish. I said no.
I use the metric system.
I got fired today because my manager caught me masturbating with a vegetable during my break
Apparently nursing homes have “strict rules” about what you can do with the patients.
My wife was complaining that I treat like her a child.
So I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself.
A burglar stole all of my lamps.
I should be upset, but actually I’m delighted!
Guys, I just broke up an attempted murder…
But to be fair, those crows shouldn't have been gathering in the middle of the road
I wanted a tattoo of the number 3.14 on my arm…
But my wife said that was irrational.
How did the scarecrow win an award without moving?
He was out standing in his field 👨🏻🌾
I was going to give archery a shot
But there’s too many drawbacks