u cant b cereus
Geology rocks but Geography is where its at.
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A police officer pulls a man for speeding
Po: Sir im gonna have to write a ticket but i will give you a chance by answering a trivia question. Guy: Lets do this Po: There are two headlights coming from the end of the street. What is it? Guy: Its a car!! Po: Sure but is it a kia, is it a mazda? That was wrong but ill give you one more chance. There is one headlight coming down the street. What is it. Guy: Its a motorbike !!! Po: Sure but is it bmw , is it suzuki? Sorry man im gonna have to proceed with the ticket Guy: Hey give me one last chance. Ill ask you an easy trivia question and if you get it right go ahead and finish the ticket Po: Ok go Guy: Theres a lady at the corner of the street very late at night. She is wearing a mini skirt and a very tight blouse while waving and talking to men in cars. What is she? Po: She is a whore dude… Guy: Sure but is it your wife, is it your sister?
what do vegan zombies eat?
GRAAAIIINSSS!!!
I used my stimulus check to buy baby chickens
Money for nothing, and the chicks for free
A bear walks into a bar.
He says to the bartender, "I'll have a………………beer." The bartender responds, "What's with the big pause?" The bear holds up his arms and says, "Always had 'em."
#textblob #python #translator Spell Checker & Languages Translator pro…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mcgtoxRXnRk&feature=share
Some scientists were able to recreate human vocal cords in a petri dish…
The results pretty much speak for themselves…
“You’re addicted!”
"No, I'm not. And stop calling me Ted!"
Why aren’t porcupines allowed to become bartenders?
They always spike the drinks.
“Did you just stand there watching me fall and drop all the laundry?”
"Yes, I watched it all unfold"
India is a very peaceful country.
Because nobody has any beef over there.
What do you call the Italian hood?
The Spaghetto.
My girlfriend tried to take a selfie in the shower, but it was too blurry.
She has selfie steam issues.
I asked a pretty young homeless lady if I could take her home.
She said Yes, but didn't look pleased when I walked off with her cardboard box.
You can’t spell advertisements without semen..
..between the tits.
My wife asked me if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner.
So i took the batteries out of the smoke alarm
A Joke from my little cousin
What do you call a bunch of monkeys all mixed up? An Orangatangle!
You could be my ‘let sweety;’ but after I engaged You, You were my ‘const sweety;’ :) <3
https://ift.tt/359FZgf
My son asked me and my SO why koala’s aren’t considered bears
I told him they don't have tge right koalafications. My SO sighed and left the room… She hasn't talked to me in 45min, guess that's how you know it's a dadjoke?
A judge asks a defendant to stand…
"You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw." From out of the audience a man shouts "You lying maggot!" "Silence in the court!" the judge shouted back. He turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel." "You Goddamned tightwad!" blurted the spectator. "Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill." "You cheap son of a…" the man starts to shout when the judge thunders back "If you don't tell me the reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold you in contempt!" "I've lived next to that lying maggot for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a damn tool when I needed to borrow one!" I found this and knew I had to post
He had a small orange spot on the tippy tip of his chin
that is, until he… scrubbed it!!!
While wandering in the desert I came across a lamp (xPost)
http://bit.ly/2WXImOS
Time flies when you’re throwing watches…
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The Minotaur is really stubborn….
You can say he's bull-headed.
Why doesn’t where’s Waldo go to the gym
Because no one can spot him
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes…
8 Cyber-Security Blunders told through GIFs
Working in IT can all be very exhausting. For all the chief information security officers (CISOs), IT directors, technicians, and any other IT administrator out there grappling with these complex issues, this blog can hopefully bring a smile to your face on a topic, that can typically be exhausting.https://ift.tt/33YMqDH
Why couldn’t the banana yell high?
It could only yellow.
Little Michael watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. “Why do you do that, mommy?” he asked. “To make myself beautiful!” said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked little Michael. "Giving up?"
Why can’t you give credit to elbow for bending the arm?
Because it's a Joint effort