U wot m8?
A panda walks into a bar. Orders a meal and quietly eats it. When the bartender comes with the check, the panda pulls out a shotgun, shoots the bartender, and prepares to leave the bar. The bartender, on his last breath, screams “Why?!”
The panda pulls out a dictionary, points to the entry on pandas, which reads: Panda (n.) – Eats shoots and leaves.
If you’re not part of the solution,
you're part of the precipitate.
It was a difficult conversation telling my son to call me dad instead of mom now
But I wanted to be transparent.
For those with poor vision. The good news is that in less than 12 hours…
You’ll all be seeing 2020
Trump and Obama getting haircut is same barbershop
Donald Trump and Barack Obama end up in the same barbershop As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn into politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. Trump was quick to stop him saying "No way buddy, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a damn whorehouse." The second barber turned to Obama and said "How about you?" Obama replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.
Upper, lower class too and for girls too ! You better understand the template
https://ift.tt/2AGSiqQ
An atheist goes for a walk in the woods.
“What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, “Oh my God!” Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, “You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don’t exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you now expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?” The atheist looked directly into the light, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?” “Very well,” said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke: “Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord Amen.”
Most Starred Programming Languages on GitHub (2014-2020)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_7OzkGkyr_Y
“How much to buy a singing ensemble!?” I asked the clerk. Puzzled, he questioned, “You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble!?”
I’ve just been diagnosed as color blind
It really came out of the purple
Masturbation is a touchy subject…
…whereas oral sex is a matter of taste.
What happens if life gives you melons?
You're dyslexic.
What do you call Hitler speeding?
The Fast and the Fuherous.
I’ll do algebra and geometry
But graphing is where I draw the line
Why was 69 afraid of 70?
Because they once had a fight and 71
Big Cheese walks into a mouse trap
It was oddly sharp
A gorilla walks into a bar
A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it. So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything." So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore. "You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here." And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."
My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type…
As he died, he kept insisting “BE POSITIVE,” but it’s really hard without him.
My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code.
Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.
A dwarf walks into a bar, he’s very, very thirsty.
The dwarf approaches the counter. It's very high up, so he can't see the other side. He tries anyway and says: "Can I have a Coke please?" (no answer) He tries to jump as high as he can, saying "Can I have a Coke please?" (no answer) He jumps up and down, saying every time he gets to the top, "Can I have a Coke please?" (still no answer) He's fed up, so he goes around the counter, and on the other side… …he sees another dwarf, jumping up and down saying, "Is Pepsi OK?" PS: Google tells me that "dwarf" and "little person" are equally non-offensive. Feel free to educate me if it's the wrong term.
Post Malone just suspended his tour.
That makes him Postponed Malone.
Wife: honey, I’m pregnant. We’re going to have our first kid.
Husband, with tears of joy going down his face: Hi I’m pregnant. We’re going to have our first kid, I’m dad
My friends keep telling me I’m on the autism spectrum…
…I can never tell if they’re joking or not.
I went to the shop to buy 6 cans of Sprite.
It's only when I got home I realised I had picked 7 up.
Wife: I have blisters on my hands from using the broom all day
Husband: Well next time take the car then silly
Scientists have recently created a new hybrid by mating a male donkey and a female deer.
It isn't very beautiful, but that ass doe
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
“Dad, whose music did you listen to when growing up?”
Dad: Led Zeppelin. Son: Who? Dad: Yes. They were good too.
People would want to program more if this were the tutorials they get on python
https://ift.tt/36muIe7
I was in the library one day when a black man came up to me and asked me where the colored printers were.
I replied, "It's 2018, dude, use whatever printer you want."
A man walks into a bar with a Labrador.
He makes his way to the bar and orders a drink. “I’m sorry, but we don’t allow dogs in here,” says the bartender. “That’s my seeing-eye dog,” the man replies. The bartender’s face instantly drops, knowing he made himself out to be a complete asshole. “Oh God. I’m sorry. Here — your first two are on me.” He hands the man two bottles of beer. “Thank you, I appreciate that.” The man and his dog make their way to a table near the front door and he grabs a seat. A little while later, another man enters the bar with a chihuahua. The first man stops him: “The bartender is going to give you shit about your dog. Tell him it’s your seeing-eye dog and he’ll feel so bad that he’ll buy your first few rounds!” “Thanks!” replies the second man. He wanders up to the bar and orders a beer. “I’m sorry, sir. We don’t allow dogs in here.” “It’s my seeing-eye dog.” The barender’s face wrinkles into confusion. He says, “Ehhh, I don’t think so. They don’t make seeing-eye dogs out of chihuahuas.” “FUCK! They gave me a chihuahua?!”