"Really?" I asked. "Sure!" he said. "Just fill it with tap water."
They always threaten to use divorce.
Cockroaches are found to be capable in surviving a nuclear holocaust, but if you swat it with a newspaper it would die instantly
This shows how toxic the media is
For Hispanic attacks
He said, "But son, it's the same film if you watch it here."
I'm not ever buying any more baby oil.
PRODUCER: You mean a choir? “Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?”
A baked potato.
…but I can do it with my eyes closed.
Because smoking is bad for your health and you should stop cold turkey.
It could be Spam.
A kid answered, called me a cunt then hung up.
A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. "I have an interesting case here " he says "A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped". "Have you arrested her ? " asks the sergeant . "No not yet the floor is still wet"
Oh sorry, Havarti told you this one?
Well, maybe once in a Blue Moon.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt and walks up to the bartender and asks for two beers and says…
"One for me and one for the road"
Everytime I come home from work I ask my dog how his day went and he always says rough.
RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74
Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.
A snail slides into a car dealership. The car salesman greets the snail politely and asks what he’s looking for. The snail says that he just wants a really fast car and the salesman shows him the ones with a high max speed…
He slaps the roof of one and says, "This is the last one that’s built for speed." The snail says, “This is perfect, but there’s one thing I want you to do first.” The car salesman was confused. “What?” The snail said, “I want you to paint a big red S on it.” The car salesman was even more confused. “Why?” Chuckling, the snail said, “So when people see me driving, they would say, ‘look at that S car go!’”
It's my thirty second birthday after all.