Uggghhhhh
A woman was in some distress one day when she locked herself out of her car.
An army man was walking by in the car park so she waved him over and said "excuse me can you help me, I've locked myself out". "Sure" he says. So he takes off his pants and rubs them against the door and as if by magic the door unlocked. "Wow" said the woman, "how did you do that?" He replies "These are my khakis".
A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper
A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?" Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"
The best argument against democracy is a five minute conversation with the average voter.
https://ift.tt/2MoevNG
What’s funnier than hearing a joke once?
Hearing it twice. What's funnier than hearing a joke once? Hearing it twice.
Why is “the mall” called “the mall?”
Because you don't just shop at one store, you shop at THEM-ALL
Make sure you always tip the people who make your pizza…
They knead the dough.
The year is 1804 and a young man enlists on a ship..
..his first voyage is to last 3 years, and even though the work is hard the young man takes to it like a fish in water. After only a few days he is running the riggin like an old hand, he swabs the decks without complaint and spends his free time in amicable companionship playing cards or telling tall tales. All in all the young man feels as if he has found his calling. A few weeks go by like this, the young man loving his new life except one part.. There are no women. After a couple of months like this, he is starting to feel extremely uncomfortable with the situation and voices his complaints to his shipmates one evening. "Why don't you just use the barrel?" Asks one of his mates with a surprised look .It turns out that down in the hold, in a dark corner there is a barrel, with a hole drilled into the side.. Whenever the sailors start to feel their urges rise, they simply go down to the barrel and take care of their business there. The young man decides, with some scepticism, to try the barrel, and finds to his surprise that it is a wholly pleasant experience, in no way lesser than any he has had with real women before. With this new found release the young man starts to enjoy his work even more. His days continue as before, and his evenings are still spent in pleasant company, but a new addition to his routine is a nightly visit to the barrel. Another two months pass in this way and all is well, until one night as he gets up from his seat at the card table and announces that he is going to visit the barrel to his mates.A few chuckles greet this announcement and one of his friends asks "Trying to get the final fun out of it eh?" "Final fun? Are we getting rid of the barrel?" The young man asks, worry playing over his face. "Not at all mate, it's just that.. next month is your turn in the barrel."
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Some of my closest friends might describe me as “deceitful”.
Jokes on them, though. They aren't my friends.
My friend was telling me about the benefits of owning a telescope.
I'm thinking of looking into one.
Why did the baker go to work?
He kneads the dough.
I took my new girlfriend out on our first date to the ice rink, and entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. “Captain,” one of the passenger asks, “who is that man over there?”
"I have no idea," the captain says, "but he goes nuts every year when we pass him."
The soldier who survived mustard-gas and pepper-spray….
Is now a seasoned veteran
I used to know a guy who did circumcisions
The money wasn't great, but he got to keep the tips.
A German walks into a bar
and says, "can I have a martini please?" "Dry?" "No, just one."
How do you tell between a boy ant and a girl ant?
Drop it in water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it floats, it's boyant
A guy visits his favorite dominatrix
He puts his money on the bedside table and says “I’ve been bad, mistress. I need to be punished.” She makes him strip and bend over as she whips his quivering bottom. Next she makes him crawl into bed and ties him securely to the bedposts. She runs her whip over his flesh and, as he wriggles in anticipation, the bed posts break and his arms come free. “Don’t worry, I can fix this” he says, as he runs out to his car. He returns in a few minutes with some tools and gets to work. In a few minutes the bedposts are fixed. He looks admiringly at his handiwork and beams. “Good as new, mistress!” She says “This sub really loves reposts.”
I tried looking up synonyms of confusion.
But I came away with uncertainty and disorientation.
Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there's not mushroom!
I told my psychiatrist that I’ve been hearing voices
He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist
I don’t have a “Dad Bod”
I have a father figure
Pun enters a room, kills 10 people
Pun in, 10 dead
My wife walked in on me masturbating to an optical illusion
I said "Honey, it's not what it looks like!"
“it is what it is”
“it is what it is”
Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk…
And the result was staggering.
My friend couldn’t afford his water bill.
So I sent him a "get well soon" card.