Uh oh
My parents insisted that they never had a favorite child when I grew up
I'm an only child 🙁
What do you use to draw baths
Water colors
An unpaid internship is nothing like actual slavery
Slaves are given food and housing.
Why did the rapper go to the grocery store?
To get some fresh beets
I once had a hen who could count her own eggs.
She was a mathemachicken.
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
Due to the Covid-19 Quarantine…..
I’ll only be making inside jokes.
I am so bored being stuck at home that I decided to memorize six pages of a dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
What do you call a color that doesn’t exist?
A pigment of your imagination.
White people don’t shoot each other in the streets like black people do.
We do it in schools, because we have class.
So there was an assassin who charged $10,000 a bullet
A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" "Yup." "What if you miss?" He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss…" "Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now." "Let's go," the assassin says. So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope. "They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off." The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot. "Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks. "Hold on a minute," said the assassin, "I may be able to save you 10 grand."
You know what really makes me smile?
Facial muscles.
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says “We’ve got a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says:
"you've got a drink named Eugene?"
Kobe Bryant’s death was an important and historic occasion.
It marked the first time he's passed in years.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was 2-tired. (Courtesy of my daughter)
Knock knock / Who’s there? / Broken pencil / Broken pencil who?
Nevermind it’s pointless.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a quarter of a beer and so on and so forth. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, "You guys should know your limits."
Today just shocked my whole life
First i find out im adopted, then I found out that both of my dads are gay.
Yesterday I Spotted an Albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do for the guy.
“Timmy, what’s 119+1?” Asked the teacher.
"5!" Yelled Timmy. "Yes Timmy, that is correct."
I was addicted to soap
but now I'm clean.
Why do gay people keep smiling?
They can’t keep a straight face
I like to cook dangerously
I take whisks in the kitchen
I have like 50 jokes about the unemployed
Trouble is, none of them work.
What do biographers and serial killers have in common?
Multiple life sentences.
I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock. That's a humerus joke.
Today is national peanut butter day.
Spread the news
What do you give a cannibal who’s late for dinner
The cold shoulder
Did I tell you about the girl who only eats plants?
You've probably never heard of herbivore
My dad’s favourite joke. Mine too.
There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years with peculiar experiments on spiders. After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let the community know he and was to host a live show to demonstrate his findings. At the event hundreds were there more out of curiosity than anything as the details of the findings were kept secret. The man himself wandered on stage and silenced the murmurs. 'Today I will demonstrate two things. The first being that spiders can understand and respond to basic commands.' The crowd laughed and jeered but undeterred he opened a box on his desk and a spider crawled out. 'Spider, walk left' The spider moved to its left. The crowd was silenced. 'Spider, move right.' The spider moved right. The crowd gasped. Forward, backward, the spider responded again and again. The crowd applauded in awe. The scientist then removed all of the spider's legs. The crowd, confused by this, watched in silence. 'Move left' The spider didn't move. 'Move right' Nothing. Forward, backward, no response. 'This is to demonstrate my second finding. Once you remove a spider's legs, it goes deaf.'
![[REDACTED] is a common killer of scp memes](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/wgqrlb1y9yp41-400x476.jpg)
My IQ test result just came in and I’m really relieved…
Thank God it came back negative…
The people from Stockholm in Sweden must really love it there
They never seem to leave
I hit a rat with my car today
It left a ro-dent
It’s really hard to say what my wife does for a living.
She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
