Uhmm Lead to Gold
Why couldn’t the sailor play cards?
Because the captain was standing on the deck
Working out is like a drug to me
I don’t do drugs
I went to the shop to buy 6 cans of Sprite
I wasn't untill I got home I realised that I picked 7-up
The teacher can’t figure out who’s eating and interrupting them
The teacher can’t figure out who’s eating and interrupting them
Why did the student not learn anything at Sandpaper Class?
The class had just scratched the surface!
I cooked my friend a steak, perfect medium rare.
He said, I like it well done. I said thanks.
Dad body is just another way of saying…
Father figure
What number is a sport?
Ten is
An old holocaust survivor dies and goes up to heaven….
He asks God, "How do you get a girl's number in Auschwitz? Roll up her sleeve." God doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "Eh. I guess you had to be there to understand".
What do you call a cheap circumsision?
A rip off.
I’m so afraid of negative numbers…
I stop at nothing to avoid them!
The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”
Now I can’t open it, as the door faces the wall.
Why can’t trees time-travel?
Because travelling through time petrifies them!
What do you call a person who doesn’t wash his hands after pooping?
Arnold from marketing on the 7th floor. Fuck you dude, that’s disgusting. I know you sort by new and can see this. Wash your hands and Lysol your keyboard.
A man goes into his bosses office
Man: I was just checking in to see if I could get the day off to help my wife do the yearly christmas cleaning? Boss: Absolutely not. Man: Thank you so much, I knew I could count on you.
I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying.
I can also tell when they're standing.
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
Grandma’s been staring through the window ever since it started to snow.
If it gets any worse I'll have to let her in.
I got fired from the frozen orange juice factory today.
I just couldn’t concentrate.
Who can drink 2 liters of gasoline
Jerry can
Yesterday, I gave up my seat on the bus for a blind person…
Today, I lost my job as a bus driver… This world is too cruel for the kind hearted.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for the Fresh Prints
My husband: “Look at this mind-blowing machine I found in the bathroom!”
http://imgur.com/gallery/LVgGlW7 My eyes nearly rolled out of my head.
My girlfriend is so smart
Once I forgot to bring my phone when I went out for the day. I borrowed my friend's phone to call her. She answered "What's up baby?" She is so smart she knew I was the one calling her. Edit: it's my cake day!
In case you don’t know Yoda’s last name
It is LAYHEEHOO