UK clowns voting for capitalists to privatize their free healthcare
Found a bullet in my avocado
Guess you can call it glockomole
What kind of shoes do Ninjas wear?
Sneakers
Did you know that diarrhea is genetic?
It runs in your jeans.
My Buddhist friend was stopped by a Christian
They asked if she would consider following the word of Jesus Christ. She replied, “no thanks, but maybe next time around.”
Relationships are a lot like algebra….
You look at your X and wonder Y.
Do you know why I don’t like stairs?
Because they’re always up to something
What’s Forrest Gump’s Wi-Fi password?
1Forrest1 Edit: Thanks for the Silver Award
Why’s it always hot after a football game?
All the fans left
My 7 year old’s first comeback line
My son has asd and though he loves to read jokes and tries to understand why they are funny, introducing wit to him has been difficult. It was more of a surprise than a joke but here goes. We recently moved to India and my wife is missing outdoors and Europe and today she said – oh I really want to go to Disneyland! To which my son said- and I really want a twister! ( Ice lolly). My wife looked at him doting on his innocence and said- Baby your dreams are so simple and innocent! To which my son replied- yeah and yours probably won't come true!
What happens if you mix goat DNA and human DNA?
You get kicked out of the petting zoo.
Why did Waldo wear stripes?
Cause he didn't want to be spotted!
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer?
I replied the chances of two serial killers being in the same car are astronomical.
Someone stole 300 cans of Red Bull from my local store…
I don't know how they can sleep at night!
The only time incorrectly isn’t spelled incorrectly is when it’s spelled incorrectly.
Credit my uncle, who is an uncle joking but not making uncle jokes. A dad-joker but not my dad.
Amazing how Evangelicals and his supporters believe he should be the one we trust
https://ift.tt/2JvX7oj
A man spoke to each of his 3 sons when he sent them off to college…
"I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die." And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their father's time had come, and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish. First, the doctor put 10 newly printed crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased. Then, the financial planner also put $1,000 there in 20 newly printed crisp $50 bills. Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He reached into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash. The lawyer is now running for Congress, possibly in your district.
A knife tried out for Varsity football
He didn't make the cut.
What do you call a teacher who doesn’t fart in public?
A private tutor
Why don’t eggs tell jokes?
They'd crack each other up
I like my women like I like my coffee
Very strong, and given proper credit for their contributions in both the home and the workplace.
Did you hear about the new type of broom?
It's sweeping the nation
I told my son people keep accidentally pleading for me to purchase meat for them. He asked, “By mistake?”
I shouted, “Oh come on! Not you too!”
What’s the difference between a step stool and a 3D printer?
The former is a latter and the latter is a former.
I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said “Have a good day, son”
"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad." He scratched his head. "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
What’s the difference between an Indian and African Elephant?
One’s an elephant.
“Beatles or Stones?” I asked my son.
"Why can't I just have something normal for dinner?" he pleaded
What did the Atheist say upon dying and meeting God?
Well I’ll be damned.
Name calling does not a president make. He has the mentality of a spoiled child.
https://ift.tt/38EQkmd
I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight…
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health care
What did James Brown say to his dog?
1, 2…get down
Ever wonder what to say to your sister when she’s crying?
“Are you having a crisis?”