UK government strategy for Covid-19
How do you sneak up on celery?
You stalk it.
Fun(ny way put) Facts About DNA | Science Is Fun
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ozq9418Cs0o&feature=youtu.be
Why do nurses always bring red crayons to work?
In case they need to draw blood
Two Jehovah’s Witnesses die and go to Heaven.
As they're knocking at the Pearly Gates, St Peter turns around and whispers… "Turn out the lights and everybody be quiet!! Maybe they'll think we're not home."
We’re about to have a bad spell…
…of wether.
How come you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they are really good at it.
Today I saw an ad that said: “radio for sale, 1$, volume stuck on full.”
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
What do you call 52 pieces of bread?
A deck of carbs.
I saw Santa following me around in the mall, and I asked him why.
He said, “Christmas stalking.”
As I was racking up to shoot some pool with my son, he said, “Do you wanna break?”
I said, “We just got here. How lazy are you?”
Ed and Ted were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory..
when Ed glanced over and noticed that Ted’s penis was twisted like a corkscrew. “Blimey,” Ed said. “I’ve never seen one like that before.” “Like what?” Ted said. “All twisted like a pigs tail,” Ed said. “Well what’s yours like?” Ted said. “Well straight like normal,” Ed said. “I thought mine was normal `til I saw yours,” Ted said. Ed finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shake down prior to putting it back in his pants. “What did you do that for?” Ted said. “Shaking off the excess drops,” Ed said. “Like normal.” “Shit,” Ted said. “And all these years I’ve been wringing it!”
Did you know I like dad jokes about eyes?
The cornea the better
I taught a wolf to meditate
Now he's aware wolf
Every room’s gotta have door,
and that's where I come in.
If you’re going shopping on Black Friday, please be considerate…
By turning your phone horizontal before recording any fights. That's all!
A woman said to her husband “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating?”
So he took her to dinner and a movie, and dropped her off at her parent's house.
How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is?
You give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!
Why is getting broken up with like doing algebra?
You've got an ex, and you're trying to figure out why.
I can’t stand when my wife
tells me to sit
A mother is invited by her son, Dave, for dinner.
He lives with a female roommate, Tina. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Tina is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Dave and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, Dave volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Tina and I are just roommates.'' About a week later, Tina came to Dave saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." said Dave. So he sat down and wrote an email: Dear Mum, I'm not saying that you "DID" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "DID NOT" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Dave Several days later, Dave received a response email from his mother which read: Dear SON, I'm not saying that you "DO" sleep with Tina, and I'm not saying that you "DO NOT" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if SHE was sleeping in her OWN BED, SHE would have found the sugar bowl by now!!
Unlike Fathers day, Son day is celebrated every week
No text found
My dad always told me I can’t get a wife overnight.
He was right. International shipping takes a few days.
What do you call a fictional country?
Imagine-nation
As I get older and my eyesight gets worse, I can only think of one thing:
When will I get adult super vision?
Harry Potter can’t tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate.
They're both cauldron.
If I had a Delorean…
I would probably only drive it from time to time.
“Social Media should not fact check posts” says child molester Mark Zuckerberg | The Chaser
https://ift.tt/2TNB1mk
“If organ trafficking is illegal….”
"Then what about pianos?" -my half drunk dad
What do you call a starving hippo in Budapest?
A hungry Hungary hippo
I saw an amateur ventriloquist the other night.
The performance was a little wooden.
My sister bet me I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti…
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
There were three guys named Jackson who were all in the clothing business.
Due to lack of real estate options in their city, they all set up shop next door to each other. In order to convince customers to come to their store rather than one of the other Jacksons, they all put up signs to attract customers. The one on the left puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store (Best prices!)" Not to be outdone, the one on the right puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store (Best quality!) The one in the middle thinks about it for a while, and eventually puts up a sign of his own. "Jackson's clothing store (Main entrance)."
What did the cannibal’s wife do when he came home late for dinner?
She gave him the cold shoulder.
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar…
and are followed by 'Batman!'
I just cross-bred an alligator and a homing pigeon.
I expect that'll come back to bite me.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!”
What a weird way to start a conversation