Um. Happy Holidays?
I have a complex complex complex
It's just a mediogre movie.
Doctors said the man had died from dissin’ Terry
Just kidding I just wanted to make you smile 🙂
Good players are hard to find.
When you're a billionaire.
Now I wake up 5 minutes earlier every day so that I don’t have to listen to it.
The mother replies, "Well, your dad and I took a little seed. We made a hole on the ground and covered it with earth. We watered it and took care of it. After some time, a plant came out of the ground and started to grow leaves. After a while the plant had a sweet aromatic bud. We took the bud and smoked them and then we got so high that we fucked without a condom. And that's how you were born."
One is a Goodyear, one is a great year.
but they keep ending up in the gutter.
Now I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend.
"I can't come today"
As he was dying he kept telling us "be positive, be positive!" But it's gonna be really hard without him.
How in the world did I miss all the red flags?
I can’t believe that even after all these years after the show ended, people are still making “Friends” references…
No one told me life was gonna be this way…
They are both way bigger than me and there are two of them. It's not fair.
Because they’re always stuck at “C”.
The next floor, however, is a different story.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain. In other words…
…there is joint support for joint support for joint support…
A new Jersey!
Don’t look while I’m changing!
But then it grew on me.
You read the title wrong.
Just one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.
I stopped seeing her for a while.
Buzz lightyear = buzz 9.4605284 × 1015 meters
…the baker was known for his rye humor…
Dad: No, it doesn’t
Given his cruel, sadistic streak, the demons really like this guy and start giving him some say in how the day-to-day life of Hell can be made more Hellish for the other souls. He introduces bizarre new forms of torture on an almost daily basis. One day, the man comes up with his darkest, most ingenious torture ever. However, it requires removing all light from Hell. He goes over his idea with one of the demons. "I like it, I like it!" says the Demon. "But I don't have the authority to make a change like that. We have to speak to someone far more evil than I am." So they go to this giant gilded door, walk in, and see a large, horned devil standing inside. Intimidated, the man starts squirming and asks, "Who is that?" "That's Beelzebub, one of the seven princes of Hell." They explain their plan to Beelzebub. "I like it, I like it!" says Beelzebub. "But I don't have the authority to make a change like that. We have to speak to someone far more evil than I am." The man, the demon, and Beelzebub all go to a magnificent castle. Inside, on a chair, is an enormous horned devil more fearsome than Beelzebub. Even Beelzebub looks intimidated. "Who is that?" whispers the man. "That's Satan himself!" replies the demon. They explain their plan to Satan. "I like it, I like it!" says Satan. "But I don't have the authority to make a change like that. We have to speak to someone far more evil than I am." The man, the demon, Beelzebub, and Satan all approach this magnificent stone spire, climb up it, blow a horn, and down comes a rather unassuming-looking office worker in a button-down shirt. Satan starts looking intimidated by his evilness. "Who's that?" whispers the hellbound man. "That's the guy who made Reddit's 'Promoted' ad content now appear three or five posts down the subs' feeds rather than in a banner at the top."
It's really hard to quit cold turkey
I’ve been torturing my 12yo son with dad jokes for the last month or so…he came in first thing this morning and laid this one on me…
Where do sunburned dinosaurs go for help? The Allosaurus. He earned a high-five for that one.