A physicist sees a man about to jump off of the Empire State Building…
He yells,” Don’t do it, you have too much potential”
Husband to wife. ”Why don’t you tell me when you orgasm.”
Wife, “I don’t like calling you at work.”
My girlfriend tried to take a selfie in the shower, but it was too blurry.
She has selfie steam issues.
“Forget everything you learned in college. You won’t need it working here.”
"But I never went to college." "Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here."
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo!!!!!!!!!!
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts
I won't lie, it was a Rocky Road.
I wasn’t sure if I liked my beard…
But it’s growing on me.
A man is driving when he notices a new bar has opened up
He decides he could use a drink, so he walks in and takes a seat at the bar. He is greeted by the bartender who promptly asks him what he would like to drink. “I’ll take a… I’ll do a Crown and 7-Up,” the man says. The bartender nods his head in acknowledgement, does a quick search under the counter, and produces an apple which he sets in front of his customer. The man is a bit confused and reiterates his order, stating “I asked for a Crown and 7, I’m not very hungry…” The bartender smirks and tells his patron “Sir, that is what I have given you… go ahead and take a bite.” The man bites into the apple, and to his amazement it tastes like 7-Up. “Can I have one of these, but with Crown?” the man asks. The bartender smirks again and tells him to turn the apple around. The man does this and is even more amazed that the apple is an edible mixed drink. A second man walks into the bar, and takes a seat. The bartender greets him, asking what this second customer would like. The man #2 responds with “I’ll have a Jack and coke.” Again, the bartender briefly searches beneath the counter and produces an apple which he places in front of man #2. “What the fuck is this? I ordered a drink, not a damn apple!”, man #2 says in an irritated manner. The firs customer hears man #2’s dismay, and tells him that he needs to try the apple. Man #2 bites into the apple and smiles once he realizes that the bite he took actually tastes like Jack Daniels. He proceeds to ask for a cola mixer, to which the bartender replies “turn it around”. Man #2’s attitude diminishes, and he sits to enjoy his apple. Shortly after, a third man walks in and takes a seat between man #1 and man #2. Man #3 is confused that 2 men in a bar are eating apples rather than drinking. He’s so perturbed by this he decides to ask them both, “why the hell are both of you sitting here eating apples instead of enjoying a few drinks?” Man #1, already on his third apple, is excited to share his newfound love of apples with the man sitting next to him, “you tell the bartender what kind of drink you want, and he has an apple with those exact flavors! I’m eating a Crown and 7 right now!” In disbelief, man #3 looks at man #1 and call him an idiot and a liar. Man #2 who is on his second apple chimes in, “he’s not lying. I’m enjoying my Jack and coke flavored apple. It’s like he’s got an apple for any flavor you want…” Man #3 is perplexed and takes a look at the bartender and asks, “is that true?” The bartender only responds with a nod of his head. Man #3 decides he wants to show the other two men that it’s some cheap parlor trick. He grins, looks at the bartender and says, “You got any that taste like pussy?” The bartender doesn’t hesitate, and immediately takes a look beneath the counter. Once again, he produces an apple and sets it in front of man #3. Man # 3 takes a look at the other 2 patrons who are eager for him to share their love for the magical apples. Man #3 takes a bite, expecting it to taste only like an apple. As soon as the bite touches his tongue, he spits it out. “This tastes like shit!”, man # 3 exclaims. The bartender grins and says “turn it around…”
She: “What’s your birthday?”
Me: "January first." She: "What year?" Me: "Every year."
When I left school, I passed every one of my exams with the exception of Greek Mythology.
It always was my achilles elbow.
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
"Do you smell carrots?"
Did you hear about the archaeologist that got arrested?
His career is now in ruins.
This sub is going downhill
https://i.imgur.com/CJaxoIO.jpg

Samsung know I once bought one of their phones but they’re a bit sketchy on the details.
https://ift.tt/2ZvIt7n
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first mathematician orders a beer The second orders half a beer "I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies "Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 "What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous." "Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along" "There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to." "But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-" "I know how limits work" interjects the bartender "Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics" "Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?" "HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade. The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA" The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!" The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish. A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?" "It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over
An EA developer dies and gets do decide if wheather he wants to go to heaven or to hell.
First, he checks out heaven and sees that it's pretty standard stuff, angels, clouds, peace, but nothing really interesting. Then he checks out hell. Really cool parties going on all over the place, infinite amount of drinks and drugs, beautiful women everywhere. Obviously, he chooses hell, but as soon as gets there, he gets thrown into a tub of boiling water, with demons poking him with pitchforks. He starts complaining to the Devil, that this isn't what he was shown. The Devil replies, "Well, sorry mate, that was just the E3 demo".
After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s ……a long story.
I remember when porn genres were tame, none of that freak nasty stuff like furries, ugly bastards, vore, and other weird fetishes.
Seriously, what is the world cumming to?
In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack.
Those damn moose limbs.
Jesus at Last Supper
*break bread* This is my body *pours wine* This is my blood *open jar of mayo* Judas: I'm gonna stop you right there
Doctor: “Have you been drinking enough fluids lately?”
Me: "That's literally all I drink."
I broke my finger today
But on the other hand im fine
Australians don’t have sex
They mate
Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters. Wife: Never H: Pistol, 3 letters. W: Gun H: Disgust, 3 letters. W: Ugh H: Charity, 4 letters. W: Give H: Female sheep, 3 letters W: Ewe H: Pixar movie, 2 letters W: Up
Jesus’ brother, James: Boss, my brother just died. I need the day off.
Boss: No problem. (3 days later) James: Boss, my brother is in town. I need the day off. Boss: Wait a second…
“Hey officer, how did the hackers escape?”
“No idea, they just ransomware.”
What is Gordon Ramsay’s favorite subreddit?
It’s fucking r/aww
How do flat earthers travel the world?
on a plane.
What does sex and bungee jumping have in common?
The thrill only lasts about 30 seconds,and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.
My dad didn’t laugh so hopefully you’ll enjoy.
Chatting on the phone with my dad while he was at work. Dad "I've got a light on my helmet so I look like a miner" Me "No, I would say you look about 40" Not even a chuckle from him 😒
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck