# UMPs assemble!

## A soldier ran up to a nun.

Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later." The nun agreed… A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria." The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."

## A cheese factory exploded in France.

All that was left was de Brie.

## Last night, I explained to my son what the word “bargain” means.

I think it meant a great deal to him.

## OC posted in honor of my dear father-in-law, who died of cancer today

Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me: “Well, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that I’d beat lung cancer…” pauses for effect “…I guess I let it go to my head.”

## It was very difficult to switch off my mother-in-law’s life support system.

I had to fight my wife and two doctors to do it.

## So I’m in my garage and my wife walks in.

She yells STAMPEDE!!! And threw a handful of animal crackers at me. I'm giggling like a schoolgirl.

## For a woman, romance is roses on a piano.

For a man, it’s tulips on an organ.

## If you bought a DeLorean…

Would you drive it a lot, or just from time to time?

## My favorite time of the day is 6:30

Hands down

## I am writing a drama on puns.

It's going to be a play on words.

## A man visits the council to apply for a job

During his job interview, the interviewer asks him "Are you allergic to anything?" to which the man replies "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." "Ok, have you ever been in the military service before?" "Yes," he says. "I was in Iraq for one tour." The interviewer replies "That will give you 5 extra points towards employment." After this, he asks "Are you disabled in any way?" The applicant says "Yes, a bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles" After hearing this, the interviewer grimaces and then says "Okay. You have enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are 8am to 4pm. You can start tomorrow at 10am, and plan on starting at 10am every day" The man is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8am to 4pm, why don't you want me here until 10am?" "This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that"

## When I professed my love to a female friend she told me she loved me like a brother…

We are from the south so things are going good.

## A man owned a small ranch in Montana,

One day the labor department got a tip he wasn’t paying proper wages to his employees so they sent an investigator to find out what’s going on. “Please tell me how many employees you have and how much you pay them”, the investigator asked the rancher. The rancher replied, “my ranch hand has been with me 3 years and I pay him $1200 per week plus free room and board”. “The cook has been here a year and I pay him $1000 per week plus room and board” “And there is a half-wit. He works 18 hours a day with no days off doing about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week and pays his own room and board, although I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally. “ The investigator said “that’s the guy I want to talk to!” “You already are” replied the rancher.

## There was once a man who read no books

He roamed around as the most popular guy in the town. One day, his friend told recommended him a book, telling him that he "must read it!!" So he did. A while later, he went back to his friend, telling him that he had read it. Suddenly, a bunch of his friends dropped out of his life, like magic. Curious about his, he told another one of his friends that he had read it. Just like that, BAM! He now had half the friends that he used to have. He went around telling people, until no one knew him except for the guy who had recommended him the book. In tears, he asked him what had happened. His friend replied, "oh, didn't I tell you?" "Tell me what?" "People who use "read it" have no friends."

## Why did the English teacher break up with the physics teacher?

There was no chemistry

## A policeman knocked on my door this morning…

A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence. After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it. The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away. Then he decided to look through the window. He shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door." I said, "You're not coming in mate!" He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."

## Her (On Tinder): I’m a model on Instagram! What do you do?

Him: I'm a soldier, on Call of Duty.

## I don’t often tell Dad jokes

But when I do, he usually laughs

## Losing weight is a piece of cake.

Just don’t pick it up.

## What do English teachers do on Reddit?

Edit: grammar

## The best thieves steal from birthday parties.

They really take the cake.

## What happens when an egg laughs?

It cracks up!

## After a night out at the pub with his buddies, Carl came home rather drunk.

He slid into bed, kissed his wife on the cheek and fell into a deep sleep. He awoke before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Carl.” Carl was stunned. “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!” St. Peter said, “Hmm, perhaps that could be arranged. It does involves a lot of paperwork… but sure. You’ve got two alternatives: you can come back as a fish or as a hen.” Carl never liked swimming, and thought that perhaps being a hen wouldn’t be that bad after all. Walking around pecking at the ground, no stress, and if the local rooster was nice then perhaps it could be a comfortable existence. Carl replied, “Okay, then I choose to be a hen.”The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. “So, you’re the new hen, eh? How’s your first day here?”“Not bad,” replied Carl the hen, “but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!”“You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster. “Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before?” “Never,” said Carl.“Well, just cluck twice and then push.” Carl clucked twice and pushed, and voila, out popped an egg! Carl was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood for the first time. He then clucked twice, pushed, and out came another egg. His joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, “Dammit, Carl! Wake up. You’re shitting the bed!!!”

## My dad told me this just now

Dad: Hey I was just at the gas station and this lady next to me was filling up her car with gas and then she spilled like half a gallon Me: Oh jeez Dad: Yeah I know anyway she opened her door to get something to wipe it up with cause the station had nothing and then this huge Rot Weiler ran out of the car and licked up a bunch of gas then ran away and the lady was Freaking out so I ran across the street to grab the dog and I finally caught up to him and he started walking in a circle and then just collapsed Me: Oh my god what happened Dad: He ran out of gas

## The guy decides that maybe he’d like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around, he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn’t have any feet or legs.

The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" "I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot." "Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me!" "I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird." "Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers." "Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer, can't you?" "Of course! I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I'm a great companion." The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "I can't afford that," he says. "Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20. Just make an offer!" The guy offers 20 dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not", says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the mailman" "What?" says the guy. "Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth." "What happened then?" asks the guy. "Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up her nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot. "My God!" the guy cries. "Then what?" "Then he got down on his knees and began to lick her body, starting with her breasts and slowly going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time… "What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy. "Damned if I know" says the Parrot. "My dick got hard and I fell off my perch."

## I got a really ugly looking calculator for Christmas.

But it is what is on the inside that counts.

## If you mix a lion and a tiger you get a liger. If you mix a horse and a donkey you get a mule. What happens when you mix an orangutan and a lawyer?

Nothing. The lawyer doesn't have enough human DNA.

## I am on day 9 of quarantine and was wondering if anyone had any porn sites they’d like to recommend other than:

Xvideos PornHub Xtube Ass parade Brazzers xHamster XNXX YouPorn YouJizz TastyBlacks HClips TnaFlix Tube8 Spankbang DrTuber Spankwire KeezMovies Nuvid SunPorno BravoTube PornHD Eporner SexVid XXXBunker TheNewPorn Mofosex… PornDreamer X18 Xbabe UpdateTube BeFuck Hdmovz PornRox PornMaki Pornid Inxporn TopFreePornVideos Slutload ProPorn FakePorn Pornhost HandjobHub Vpornvideos MyXVids Pornicom DansMovies Wetplace AdultFreex Wankflix 88fuck Fapdu Rude FreudBox AdultInc PornHeed HdPorn Orgasm PornRabbit MadThumbs Fux Eroxia DeviantClip Xxvids H2porn ApeTube MetaPorn YourLustMovies ElephantTube Long PornerBros Tubegalore 3movs Ass-Time HQButt BangBus BangBros Ghetto tube RedTube BrickHouseButts GhettoGaggers GloryHole Xvideos PornHub Xtube Ass parade Brazzers xHamster XNXX YouPorn YouJizz TastyBlacks HClips TnaFlix Tube8 Spankbang DrTuber Spankwire KeezMovies Nuvid SunPorno BravoTube PornHD Eporner SexVid XXXBunker TheNewPorn Mofosex… PornDreamer X18 Xbabe UpdateTube BeFuck Hdmovz PornRox PornMaki Pornid Inxporn TopFreePornVideos Slutload ProPorn FakePorn Pornhost HandjobHub Vpornvideos MyXVids Pornicom DansMovies Wetplace AdultFreex Wankflix 88fuck Fapdu Rude FreudBox AdultInc PornHeed HdPorn Orgasm PornRabbit MadThumbs Fux Eroxia DeviantClip Xxvids H2porn ApeTube MetaPorn YourLustMovies ElephantTube Long PornerBros Tubegalore 3movs Ass-Time HQButt BangBus BangBros Ghetto tube RedTube BrickHouseButts GhettoGaggers GloryHole Xvideos PornHub Xtube Ass parade Brazzers xHamster XNXX YouPorn YouJizz TastyBlacks HClips TnaFlix Tube8 Spankbang DrTuber Spankwire KeezMovies Nuvid SunPorno BravoTube PornHD Eporner SexVid XXXBunker TheNewPorn Mofosex… PornDreamer X18 Xbabe UpdateTube BeFuck Hdmovz PornRox PornMaki Pornid Inxporn TopFreePornVideos Slutload ProPorn FakePorn Pornhost HandjobHub Vpornvideos MyXVids Pornicom DansMovies Wetplace AdultFreex Wankflix 88fuck Fapdu Rude FreudBox AdultInc PornHeed HdPorn Orgasm PornRabbit MadThumbs Fux Eroxia DeviantClip Xxvids H2porn ApeTube MetaPorn YourLustMovies ElephantTube Long PornerBros Tubegalore 3movs Ass-Time HQButt BangBus BangBros Ghetto tube RedTube BrickHouseButts GhettoGaggers GloryHole General r/nsfw r/nsfw2 r/TipOfMyPenis r/bonermaterial r/porn r/nsfw411 r/iWantToFuckHer r/exxxtras r/distension r/bimbofetish r/christiangirls r/cuckold r/dirtygaming r/sexybutnotporn r/femalepov r/omgbeckylookathiscock /r/sexygirls r/breedingmaterial r/canthold r/toocuteforporn r/justhotwomen r/realsexyselfies r/stripgirls r/hotstuffnsfw r/uncommonposes r/gifsofremoval r/nostalgiafapping r/jizzedtothis r/verticalgifs r/pantyslide r/pornogram r/oilporn r/bisexy r/riskyporn MILF r/milf r/gonewild30plus r/preggoporn r/realmoms Teen r/legalteens r/collegesluts r/adorableporn r/legalteensXXX /r/gonewild18 r/18_19 r/just18 r/PornStarletHQ r/fauxbait Amateur r/realgirls r/amateur r/homemadexxx r/dirtypenpals r/FestivalSluts r/CollegeAmateurs r/amateurcumsluts r/nsfw_amateurs r/funwithfriends r/randomsexiness r/amateurporn r/normalnudes Cam r/Camwhores r/camsluts r/streamersgonewild Gonewild r/GoneWild r/PetiteGoneWild r/gonewildstories r/GoneWildTube r/treesgonewild r/gonewildaudio r/GWNerdy r/gonemild r/altgonewild r/gifsgonewild r/analgw r/gonewildsmiles r/onstageGW r/RepressedGoneWild r/bdsmgw r/UnderwearGW r/LabiaGW r/TributeMe r/WeddingsGoneWild r/gwpublic r/assholegonewild r/leggingsgonewild r/dykesgonewild r/goneerotic r/snapchatgw r/gonewildhairy r/gonewildtrans r/gonwild r/ratemynudebody r/gonewildhairy Age r/gonewild30plus r/gonewild18 r/onmww (formerly /r/ohnomomwentwild) Couples r/GWCouples r/gonewildcouples r/gwcumsluts r/WouldYouFuckMyWife Curves r/gonewildcurvy r/GoneWildplus r/BigBoobsGW r/bigboobsgonewild r/mycleavage Ethnicity r/AsiansGoneWild r/gonewildcolor r/indiansgonewild r/latinasgw r/pawgtastic Occupation r/workgonewild r/GoneWildScrubs r/swingersgw r/militarygonewild Snapchat r/NSFW_Snapchat r/snapchat_sluts r/snapleaks Wives r/wifesharing r/hotwife r/wouldyoufuckmywife r/slutwife r/cuckold Animated r/rule34 r/ecchi r/futanari r/doujinshi r/yiff r/monstergirl r/mechanicalsluts Comics r/rule34_comics r/sex_comics Video Games r/overwatch_porn r/pokeporn r/bowsette r/rule34lol r/rule34overwatch r/nintendowaifus r/34honor r/fivefapsatfreddys r/fortniters34 r/rainbowr34 r/fortniteporn r/breathofthegonewild r/animalcrossingr34 r/mortalcumbat r/apexlegends_porn r/templarssecret r/nsfwarframe r/tflewd r/thelostwoods Hentai r/hentai r/hentai_gif r/WesternHentai r/hentai_irl r/artistic_hentai r/hentaibeast r/hentaihumiliation r/traphentai r/guro r/ahegao r/ahegao_irl r/hypnohentai r/tentai r/handholding r/honeyfuckers r/itshiptofuckbees r/guro r/hentaibondage r/animeshorts r/kuroihada r/disgustedanimegirls r/2dtittytouching r/buttfangs r/yuri r/hentaibondage r/ZettaiRyouiki r/hentaifemdom r/animefeet r/thighhighhentai r/animebooty r/swimsuithentai r/animelegs r/animearmpits r/2dsuccubi r/animemidriff r/skindentation r/thighdeology r/chiisaihentai r/lovelivelewds r/bokunoeroacademia r/waifusgonewild r/sideoppai BDSM r/BDSM r/Bondage r/BDSMcommunity r/bdsmgw Blowjobs r/blowjobs r/deepthroat r/onherknees r/blowjobsandwich Ass r/ass r/asstastic r/facedownassup r/assinthong r/bigasses r/buttplug r/TheUnderbun r/booty r/pawg r/paag r/cutelittlebutts r/hipcleavage r/frogbutt r/HungryButts r/cottontails r/lovetowatchyouleave r/celebritybutts r/cosplaybutts r/mooning Anal r/anal r/analgw r/painal r/masterofanal r/buttsharpies Asshole r/asshole r/AssholeBehindThong r/assholegonewild r/spreadem r/candidasshole r/bendover r/ediblebuttholes r/faceandasshole Yoga pants r/girlsinyogapants r/yogapants Boobs/Nipples r/boobies r/TittyDrop r/boltedontits r/boobbounce r/boobs r/downblouse r/homegrowntits r/cleavage r/breastenvy r/youtubetitties r/torpedotits r/thehangingboobs r/page3glamour r/biggerthanyouthought Busty r/BustyPetite r/hugeboobs r/stacked r/burstingout r/BigBoobsGW r/bigboobsgonewild r/2busty2hide r/bigtiddygothgf r/engorgedveinybreasts Nipples r/pokies r/ghostnipples r/nipples r/puffies r/lactation Small r/tinytits r/aa_cups r/ilikelittlebutts Face r/braceface r/earspokingout Hair r/GirlswithNeonHair r/shorthairchicks r/blonde Legs/feet r/girlsinyogapants r/stockings r/legs r/tightshorts Feet r/buttsandbarefeet r/feet Thighs r/datgap r/thighhighs r/thickthighs r/thighdeology Pussy r/pussy r/rearpussy r/innie r/simps r/pelfie r/LabiaGW r/godpussy r/presenting r/cameltoe r/hairypussy r/lipsthatgrip r/pussytomouth r/fucklicking Mound r/moundofvenus r/pussymound Skin r/Hotchickswithtattoos r/sexyfrex r/tanlines r/oilporn r/ComplexionExcellence Waist/Tummy r/SexyTummies r/theratio Body Type r/fitgirls r/bodyperfection r/samespecies r/athleticgirls r/fitgirlsfucking Curvy/Thick/THICC r/gonewildcurvy r/curvy r/gonewildplus r/thick r/juicyasians r/voluptuous r/biggerthanyouthought r/jigglefuck r/chubby r/SlimThick r/massivetitsnass r/thicker r/thickthighs r/tightsqueeze r/casualjiggles r/bbw Petite r/BustyPetite r/dirtysmall r/petitegonewild /r/xsmallgirls r/funsized r/hugedicktinychick Celebrity/Athlete r/Athlete r/volleyballgirls r/Ohlympics Celebrity r/celebnsfw r/WatchItForThePlot r/nsfwcelebarchive /r/celebritypussy r/oldschoolcoolNSFW r/extramile r/jerkofftocelebs r/celebritybutts r/onoffcelebs Cum r/cumsluts r/GirlsFinishingTheJob r/cumfetish r/amateurcumsluts r/cumcoveredfucking r/cumhaters r/thickloads r/before_after_cumsluts r/pulsatingcumshots r/impressedbycum r/cummy Cum Location r/creampies r/throatpies r/FacialFun r/cumonclothes r/oralcreampie Emotion r/HappyEmbarrassedGirls r/unashamed r/borednignored r/annoyedtobenude Ethnicity r/damngoodinterracial Asian r/AsianHotties r/AsiansGoneWild r/realasians r/juicyasians r/AsianNSFW r/nextdoorasians r/asianporn r/bustyasians r/paag Indian r/IndianBabes r/indiansgonewild r/jerkofftodesicelebs Japanese r/NSFW_Japan r/javdownloadcenter Korean r/kpopfap r/NSFW_Korea Ebony r/WomenOfColor r/darkangels r/blackchickswhitedicks r/ebony r/Afrodisiac Ginger r/ginger r/redheads Latina r/latinas r/latinasgw r/latinacuties White r/palegirls r/pawg r/snowwhites Gifs r/NSFW_GIF r/nsfw_gifs r/porn_gifs r/porninfifteenseconds r/CuteModeSlutMode r/60fpsporn r/NSFW_HTML5 r/the_best_nsfw_gifs Groups r/twingirls r/groupofnudegirls r/Ifyouhadtopickone Hardcore r/nsfwhardcore r/SheLikesItRough r/strugglefucking r/jigglefuck r/freeuse r/whenitgoesin r/outercourse r/gangbang r/breeding r/pegging r/insertions r/passionx Large Penis r/hugedicktinychick r/amateurgirlsbigcocks Positions r/facesitting r/nsfw_plowcam r/pronebone r/facefuck High Quality r/60fpsporn r/highresNSFW r/NSFW_HTML5 Incest r/incestporn r/wincest r/lovingfamily r/gaywincest Individuals r/sarah_xxx r/remylacroix r/Anjelica_Ebbi r/BlancNoir r/rileyreid r/dollywinks r/tessafowler r/lilyivy r/funsizedasian r/mycherrycrush r/gillianbarnes r/kawaiikitten r/emilybloom r/legendarylootz r/sexyflowerwater r/miamalkova r/sashagrey r/keriberry_420 r/justpeachyy r/angelawhite r/miakhalifa r/alexapearl r/missalice_18 r/lanarhoades r/evalovia r/GiannaMichaels r/arianamarie Lesbian r/lesbians r/StraightGirlsPlaying r/girlskissing r/mmgirls r/dykesgonewild r/facesittinglesbians Masturbation/Orgasm r/holdthemoan r/O_faces r/jilling r/gettingherselfoff r/quiver r/GirlsHumpingThings r/forcedorgasms r/mmgirls r/ruinedorgasms r/holdingit Dildos r/suctiondildos r/baddragon Wet women r/grool r/squirting Men r/ladybonersgw r/massivecock r/chickflixxx r/gaybrosgonewild r/sissies r/dattaint r/selffuck r/sounding Furry NSFW r/furryporn r/furryporndump r/yiff r/ZootopiaPorn r/yiffgif r/FurryPornSubreddit r/gfur r/femyiff r/silentyiff r/gayfurryporn r/yiffcomics r/Sharktits r/ArousingAvians r/anthroids r/anthropokeporn r/DragonPenis r/DragonsFuckingDragons r/FeralPokePorn r/FurryFrot r/GayPokePorn r/HorsecocksMasterRace r/PokePornGay r/scalieporn r/WholesomeYiff Outfits r/OnOff r/nsfwoutfits r/girlswithglasses r/collared r/seethru r/sweatermeat r/cfnm r/nsfwfashion r/leotards Bikinis r/bikinis r/bikinibridge Costumes r/nsfwcosplay r/nsfwcostumes r/girlsinschooluniforms Dresses r/WtSSTaDaMiT r/tightdresses r/upskirt Stockings/Socks r/stockings r/thighhighs r/leggingsgonewild Pants/Shorts r/Bottomless_Vixens r/tightshorts Yoga pants r/girlsinyogapants r/yogapants Underwear r/lingerie r/garterbelts Thongs r/assinthong r/AssholeBehindThong Professional/Sites r/suicidegirls Public r/ChangingRooms r/workgonewild r/trashyboners r/FlashingGirls r/publicflashing r/sexinfrontofothers r/NotSafeForNature r/gwpublic r/realpublicnudity r/socialmediasluts r/flashingandflaunting Trans r/Tgirls r/traps r/futanari r/gonewildtrans r/tgifs Gay: r/gaysex r/topsandbottoms r/lgbtsex r/gaykink r/gayBDSMcommunity r/gaygonewild r/gaybrosgonewild r/gaymersgonewild r/gayselfies r/gaybears r/LGBTgonewild r/bigonewild r/gayNSFW r/gayerotica Bondage r/forcedorgasms r/damselsindistress r/cuffed r/gagged r/abuseporn r/femaleorgasmdenial r/girlscontrolled Video r/pornvids r/nsfw_videos Meet People r/dirtysnapchat Other NSFW r/randomactsofblowjob r/NSFWFunny r/pornhubcomments r/confusedboners r/dirtykikpals r/nsfw_wtf r/randomactsofmuffdive r/stupidslutsclub r/sluttyconfessions r/sextrophies Armpits cause people like that r/armpits r/celebrityarmpits r/armpitfetish I don’t even know where the fuck this would go section r/dragonsfuckingcars r/SCPORN r/fedlegs r/cummingonfigurines r/dragonbutts r/dragonpussy r/dragonpenis These have gotten boring 😔 Any help is much appreciated. Thanks.