I don’t know any dean jokes.
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*at the eye doctor*
Doctor: You have a blind spot. Me: I need a second opinion, because I just don’t see it.
I haven’t had sex since 1956
A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956…" The general looked at her, confused, and replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now."
Did you hear the one about the three holes in the ground?
Well, well, well.
What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?
It gets toad.
What do you call it when a midget gives head?
A below job
What did Jesus say after he resurrected on the third day?
"You crossed the wrong guy."
I asked my son, “Hey, guess what!?” Hesitatingly, he said, “What?”
I yelled, "Good guess!"
If I throw jam into traffic
Is it now traffic jam
Want to know where I store all of my jokes?
In a dadabase….
Why don’t ants catch colds?
They have tiny anty bodies.
My wife and I went out for dinner the other day. When I ordered a steak she angrily said “You really like meat huh, murderer?!”
I sighed and replied "I has been 20 years, can you please stop bringing up the time I shot your father?"
A father passing by his son’s bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up.
Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands… "Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it! Don't worry, Dad. I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Joshua. P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!
I asked my welsh friend how many sexual partners he’s had
He started counting but fell asleep.
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $285…
That's why, in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
Every time I ask what LGBT is
I can never get a straight answer
Where do camels go on vacation
Notre Dame
Wanna hear something funny? Quarantine.
It’s an inside joke.
What do you call a Mexican midget?
A paragraph, because hes too short to be an essay
I told the doctor at the ER that I could do my own stitch work.
He replied “Okay, suture self”
I’ve got this awful disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes…
The doctor says it’s terminal.
When I was a teen I was addicted to masturbation and as I grew older I become a sex addict.
In retrospect, I think my addiction just got out of hand.
Having gay parents must be horrible
You either get twice the amount of dad jokes or you get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mom." Edit: On another Sub someone called me a homophobe. I want to say I'm not a homophobe it was simply a light hearted joke. I'm gay myself and wouldn't want to create hate or controversy. So sorry if I offended anyone. Edit 2: Thanks for giving me my first award. Edit 3: if you have heard it else where then fine Like this one guy in the comments said "I’ve seen it a few times but no doubt many people haven’t. No reason a good joke can’t be posted bc someone’s posted it in the past."
What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle?
A polar bear
Why don’t vegetarians moan during sex?
They don’t want to admit that a piece a meat makes them happy
Will glass coffins be popular some day?
Remains to be seen.
I saw a sign that said “Rest area 25 miles”…
I thought,wow, that's pretty big
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and possibly use lubricant
Before my surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle…
It was an ether/oar situation…
Me, trying to sound smart: So, who is your favorite philosopher?
Her: It’s Hume. Me: Sorry, whom is your favorite philosopher?
Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive.
Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single-line coded message: 370HSSV – 0773H Trump was baffled, so he emailed it to the his aides, who had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI No one could solve it at FBI, so it went to the CIA. With no clue as to its meaning, FBI finally asked MSS (Ministry of State Security in China for help. Within a few seconds MSS cabled back with this reply: "Tell The President he's holding the message upside down."
A girl told me she wanted to be “just friends”.
I said "Can we be friends with benefits?". She said "So, you just want sex?". I said "No, I want you to add me on your health insurance.".
What’s the difference between the clitoris and a can of Bud Light?
The clitoris only tastes like piss for the first few seconds.
What do you call a horse with no nose?
A yes horse.
I saw glass coffins are now a thing and I wonder if they’ll be popular?
Remains to be seen