under the hashtag “cursedimage”
and he says to the doctor "Top o' the morning Doc, I've got a little problem. It's a pain like, in me arse." So the doctor says "Well we'd better have a look at it. Take your trousers and pants down." After the patient assumes the position the doctor gets a rubber glove, some lubricant and starts to examine him. He can quickly feel something not quite right, and after a bit of fiddling he manages to extract a £20 note from the Irishman's bottom. "Did you know you had a £20 note stuck up there?" He asks the man. "No doc, I did not, to be sure. I do feel a little bit better, like, but still not quite right. Will you have another look for me?" So the doctor gets back to work and sure enough he finds another £20 note, and then another. After about half an hour he finally cannot feel any more banknotes. He sits down to count the money as the man puts his clothes back on. "So, how did you manage to get £1980 in used £20 notes into your bum?" "I don't rightly know doc, but I knew I wasn't feeling too grand."
I save money by filling up just the tank.
I've just taken a book back that was months overdue but, rather than charging me, she just said, "That's-a-fine."
It's a re-warding job.
Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
The followed response, "Guys calm down, it's just a drill."
Well, if I were to disappoint two people at same time I'd go for a dinner with my parents edit: im sorry everyone for the notification stuff and all. like i mentioned in the comment, i heard this one in the bus, english isn't my native and tried to translate it from my language, i'm not on r/jokes really often, sorry!
It would be a pain in the ass
I just know something terrible’s about to happen… I can feel it.
People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones, but people in Abu Dhabi do.
It was a day well spent
How could anyone stoop so low.
I just saw the trailer.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Not enough people really talk about England very much
It cracks up!
“I used to love tractors.”
I can’t stand it!
My preferred pronouns are He/Hee
…when someone pulls out a gun and aims it at him. A newbie secret service agent, spotting it first yells:"MICKEY MOUSE!". The would be assassin stops in confusion, giving the other agents time to pin down and arrest him. When the press reports were over, the newbies supervisor asks him:"Im confused, why did you shout Mickey Mouse?" "I freaked out" he answers."I meant to shout DONALD DUCK!"
That's Hawaii roll…
Because the last time they had a fat man 80,000 people died
They had been lost for a long time and were both starving. While walking, one of the hunters notices a tree that has thin slices of meat hanging from it. He yells to the other and points towards the tree: "Look, we're saved!!! There's a BACON TREE!!!". He starts running for the tree when all of a sudden a group of armed men appear and start shooting at him. The hunter turns right back and yells at his friend "RUN!!! IT'S NOT A BACON TREE, IT'S A HAM BUSH!!!!"
"No it fucking isn't, Adam."
I just need to figure out if it's my wife or girlfriend
The turbine says “I’m a massive heavy metal fan”
My house is full of light switches!
He spies a carton on the shelf labeled "Soy Milk" He smiles to himself and says softly "yes you are"