under the hashtag “cursedimage”
An Irishman goes to the doctor’s surgery …
and he says to the doctor "Top o' the morning Doc, I've got a little problem. It's a pain like, in me arse." So the doctor says "Well we'd better have a look at it. Take your trousers and pants down." After the patient assumes the position the doctor gets a rubber glove, some lubricant and starts to examine him. He can quickly feel something not quite right, and after a bit of fiddling he manages to extract a £20 note from the Irishman's bottom. "Did you know you had a £20 note stuck up there?" He asks the man. "No doc, I did not, to be sure. I do feel a little bit better, like, but still not quite right. Will you have another look for me?" So the doctor gets back to work and sure enough he finds another £20 note, and then another. After about half an hour he finally cannot feel any more banknotes. He sits down to count the money as the man puts his clothes back on. "So, how did you manage to get £1980 in used £20 notes into your bum?" "I don't rightly know doc, but I knew I wasn't feeling too grand."
So many people complain about how much money it is to fill up their car with gas.
I save money by filling up just the tank.
Our new librarian is very polite and I think she is Italian…
I've just taken a book back that was months overdue but, rather than charging me, she just said, "That's-a-fine."
I work for the NHS dealing with moving patients between different areas of the hospital.
It's a re-warding job.
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
![[U]nder[s]tandabl[e] love[l]y r[e]action[s] meme[s]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/3opa3h3ekny41-400x568.jpg)
Co-worker got a new drill and another co-worker responded, “Oh man, he’s got a gun!”
The followed response, "Guys calm down, it's just a drill."
Girl asked me if I want to do the threesome…
Well, if I were to disappoint two people at same time I'd go for a dinner with my parents edit: im sorry everyone for the notification stuff and all. like i mentioned in the comment, i heard this one in the bus, english isn't my native and tried to translate it from my language, i'm not on r/jokes really often, sorry!
Thank goodness we have “judge” Jeanine Pirro to help us with the legal language.
https://ift.tt/2tO6Ql2
A world without women….
It would be a pain in the ass
So, I’m reading this book written in Braille…
I just know something terrible’s about to happen… I can feel it.
What is the difference between people in Dubai and people in Abu Dhabi?
People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones, but people in Abu Dhabi do.
Went for a walk and fell into a hole filled with water
It was a day well spent
I heard a dwarf got pickpocketed. I was shocked and appalled.
How could anyone stoop so low.
I’m really excited about the new movie about tractors that is coming out soon.
I just saw the trailer.
Girls call me ugly till they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Can we take a serious moment to raise awareness about the North Atlantic Garbage Patch?
Not enough people really talk about England very much
What happens when an egg laughs?
It cracks up!
Do you want to hear my impression of an extractor fan?
“I used to love tractors.”
I want to buy Apple’s new monitor but I only have $4,000…
I can’t stand it!
I sexually identify as Michael Jackson
My preferred pronouns are He/Hee
Donald Trump is exiting the White House and heading into his limo…
…when someone pulls out a gun and aims it at him. A newbie secret service agent, spotting it first yells:"MICKEY MOUSE!". The would be assassin stops in confusion, giving the other agents time to pin down and arrest him. When the press reports were over, the newbies supervisor asks him:"Im confused, why did you shout Mickey Mouse?" "I freaked out" he answers."I meant to shout DONALD DUCK!"
I’m having a bun filled with ham and pineapple for my lunch today…
That's Hawaii roll…
Why is japan the healthiest country in the world?
Because the last time they had a fat man 80,000 people died
Two hunters lost in the woods
They had been lost for a long time and were both starving. While walking, one of the hunters notices a tree that has thin slices of meat hanging from it. He yells to the other and points towards the tree: "Look, we're saved!!! There's a BACON TREE!!!". He starts running for the tree when all of a sudden a group of armed men appear and start shooting at him. The hunter turns right back and yells at his friend "RUN!!! IT'S NOT A BACON TREE, IT'S A HAM BUSH!!!!"
“The 24th of December is Christmas Eve”
"No it fucking isn't, Adam."
Statistics show that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship are cheating…..
I just need to figure out if it's my wife or girlfriend
Two wind turbines sit in the ocean, one turns to the other and says “What music do you listen to?”
The turbine says “I’m a massive heavy metal fan”
I don’t get all the excitement surrounding Nintendo’s new product announcement…
My house is full of light switches!
A Spaniard is walking through a grocery store
He spies a carton on the shelf labeled "Soy Milk" He smiles to himself and says softly "yes you are"
