My mum said ” A way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
Good lady; awful surgeon.
My wife forgot the code to her luggage, but I managed to figure it out.
You can say…. I solved the case.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight
There would be a mass confusion
What did the llama say when he was getting evicted?
“I guess alpaca my bags.”
Coronavirus told through emojis
I met a man named Jim Apple the other day.
He has trouble introducing himself in France.
My friend said she didn’t understand how cloning worked
"That makes two of us"
Poor little guy
Found this on Twitter.
What are Mexican proteins made of?
What I think every time I walk by the pH meter.
Merry Cake Day!..wait..there’s no cake ;-;
Got a new job at the guillotine factory.
I'll beheading there shortly.
Big brain time
I was blessed with a 9 inch penis
That priest is in prison now
last time i had folders like this was WW3
Why does society seem to hate lazy people?
They didn't even do anything.
Where would you find flying rabbits?
in the hare force
So they got rid of the Native American but they kept her land?
One night, a man and a woman meet at a bar
. After a drink or two, they start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors attending an out-of-town medical conference. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight-no strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." Considering that the man looked and acted pleasant enough, the woman doctor agrees to it. The two go to her hotel and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom, undresses, preps, and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and gets into bed. They have foreplay for 20 minutes and *** for 30 minutes or so. Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?" "Yeah", says the man, a bit surprised. "How did you know?" The woman answers, "Because after you poked me, I didn't feel a thing."
I opened a shop selling used artificial limbs
I called it the second hand second hand store
Where my McPlasmid at tho?
What do you call a mummy with a cold?
I don’t know, Sir Cough I guess
The wife said: “Bulls can engage in sexual activity more than 20 times in a day. I wish you could do that…”
And the husband replied: "Just remember they do it with more than one cow…"
Hahaha, virology noobs
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius,
But his brother Frank was a monster!
A woman walks into a saloon and stands on a chair.
"Fellas! My pussy is so big that I'll give $100 to anyone who has something that I can't take." A big cowboy gets up and takes off his size 16 cowboy boots and shoves them into her pussy. The boots are sucked right in. He grabs a flashlight and, that too, is sucked in. He puts his face in between her legs to get a better look and he gets sucked in. Inside he hears noises. "Is someone else in here?" he asks. "Yeah, I've been in here for a week," the voice says. "Help me find my flashlight and we can get out of here," the cowboy says. "Hell," says the other man, "help me find my keys and we can drive out."
Scientists prove COVID-19 is a conspiracy
All about how you look at it 🤷♂️
My wife just joined an activist group called DAM
Mothers Against Dyslexia
Sh*t on a salad bar.
I absolutely hate elevators…….
I take steps to avoid them
Women really know how to hold a grudge over the smallest things. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.
It's been a month now and she's still not speaking to me
So Johnny dies and goes to heaven, where god’s waiting to review his life.
God's all like "Aight, aight. I like you Johnny, I always have, always will. You helped old ladies cross the street, you donated to charities, and all in all in my professional divine opinion…. you're a stand up guy! But what the fuck's the deal with all the incest porn?" Johnny replied, " You see God, but that's just it, you fell right into my trap! You know I believed in you, which meant you knew, that I knew you were always watching! Yet you continued to watch my incest porn, time and time and again! So I ask you! What the fuck's the deal with all the incest porn?" God replied " Damn you're good"
I had an amazing chat with a dolphin earlier who I had just met.
We just clicked. I am sorry. So, so sorry…
Working from home be like
The Professor and Marianne
A man made a mistake in an elevator.
He was wrong on many levels.
I got what you need fam
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank coffee before it was cool
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: holding a cup Do it to my tea! Magician: waves hand Done! om: holding a cup It didn't work
Know your menu (buttons)
Why is Antarctica sad?
Because its iceolated
Har har har
It’s tricky knowing when to take the tea bag out.
There's a steep learning curve.
I was going to study Nietzsche’s philosophy.
Then I just thought, it's meaningless.
I went to an auction today where they were selling a cheese grater once owned by both Hitler and Osama Bin Laden.
It was the grater of two evils.
I went to blockbuster back in 1996 and asked the man if I could rent “Batman Forever”
He said: "No sir, Ill need it back tomorrow night"
me: [flashlight under chin] they say a witch cursed this house 100 years ago today!
[100 years ago] witch: fuck this house
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week…
There was no coffin at his funeral!
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned and said: “And you will dialogue.”
When someone says something so dumb you just have to say “ummm”
A little boy gets on the public bus and sits right behind the bus driver.
The boy keeps repeatedly saying," If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I'd be a little calf.…" "If my mom was a hen and my dad was a chicken, I'd be a little chick. If my mom was a deer and my dad was a buck, I'd be a little deer. If my mom was a duck and my dad was a goose, I'd be a little duckling." The annoyed bus driver stops the bus and turns to the boy saying, "What if your mom was a drunk and you dad was a bum?" The boy responds, "Then I'd be a bus driver."
Well, I must have missed it
Something has to CHANGE.
I asked a midget for a dollar today….
He said "Sorry, I'm a little short"
I don’t know why everyone is saying Cats (the movie) was bad.
They played it on my flight home and there were only two walkouts.
Why do women seem so surprising?
Because everyone exclaims "woah man" when they see them
Appropriately, I was hammered at the time
I’ll end it all
My first-time pregnant wife asks “why does it take so long for me to warm up?”
Without missing a beat I responded, "because you're heating for two now." I then proceeded to laugh at my own joke. I feel like I'm prepared for my future as a dad.