Unfortunately my dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday
He buried someone in the wrong hole.
It was a grave mistake.
What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle?
A polar bear
When I was little, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive..
It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.
I can cut a piece of wood by just looking at it
Itโs true, I saw it with my own eyes
I just ate 4 cans of alphabet soup
Iโm in for an intense vowel movement later
There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked.
He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was. She responded,"My washcloth." Weeks later after the mother had the baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor shaved her pubic hair. The boy asked his mother, "What happened to your washcloth?" His mother replied, "I lost it." The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother's washcloth. A few days later the little boy went running to his mother yelling and screaming, "Mommy, I found your washcloth, I found your washcloth!" His mother, thinking that the child was just playing, went along with the boy and asked, "Where did you find it?" The boy replied, "The maid has it and is washing daddy's face with it." *This was actually a copypasta taken from an eighth grade English workbook assigned by a private school in Shanghai. The kids were told to read the joke and write a review of it. The parents were, obv, not pleased when they saw the material.
Opinion: Dad jokes shouldn’t be painful.
Except for the punchline.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm
He tells the bartender one beer please and one for the road
Her: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won't that confuse people who are trying to call us?
Wife offered me water, I asked for something harder
She gave me ice
I can eat sugar with either hand…
I'm ambidextrose!
what is the sound of an ambulance in an anime?
weebo weebo
I don’t know what they are even talking about, we have had an incredibly mild winter.
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I was asked to go out by 4 girls today!
Turns out I was in the ladies bathroom…
THE PIXEEELS
THE PIXEEELS
Two Aliens
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Pissed atย the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace.ย Take us to your leader or I will fire!" The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.' 'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weaponย and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch. Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head. 'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?' The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his pen!s over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
A telescope turned up in our lost and found box
We donโt know who it belongs to, but weโre looking into it.
My 11yo daughter just made up a joke. What do politicians thing of themselves?
That they're politicool… Im biased but i think its genius
There was a homeless man with a sign that said โ1 dollar for dirty joke.”
Seemed like a good investment to me so | gladly handed over a dollar. Homeless man: โThere is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have?" Me: โTwo?โ Homeless man: โRight, now how many wings this black rooster got?โ Me: โTwo?โ Homeless man: โRight, now how many eyes this black rooster got?โ Me: โTwo?โ Homeless man: โRight again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?" Me: โI don't know? A lot?โ Homeless man: โWell, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy?โ
My wife just admitted that she broke my favorite lamp.
I donโt think I can look at her in the same light ever again.
My boss asked me if I could perform under pressure.
I said no but I do I a pretty good bohemian rhapsody.
I finally cut ties with someone who was dragging me down.
Mountain climbing with a friend is hard.
I just found out cock fighting is done with chickens.
Months of training wasted.
I told a poltergeist that I’d give him $10,000 to leave my home forever
But when I didn't pay he came back and repossessed my house
Hillary under investigation=guilty, but Trump under investigation=witch hunt.
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Last night i used Vaseline with my wife and came 10 times
Once with her and 9 in the shower trying to wash it off
My girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn’t stop pointing out random exits and entrances.
I said: "There's the door."
Women are actually turning into good drivers.
So if youโre a good driver, watch out for women turning.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spices.
I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
My wife just called me.
She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day, they are absolutely gorgeous." I said, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."