Unfortunately this is how the people with power see the world
I have some jokes about unemployed people.
But I know they won't work.
Two deer walks out of a gay bar…
One says to the other, "I can't believe I just blew thirty bucks in there".
How many Jews does it take to change a lightbulb?
Who needs lightbulbs when you have eight candles?
42M with toilet paper seeking female with hand sanitiser …
… for some good clean fun
My uncle’s zodiac sign was Cancer, which was ironic, because he died
from being crushed by a giant crab.
Did you hear about the guy in 1981 that got LSD and LDS mixed up?
Instead of going on a trip, he went on a mission.
What do a tornado, a hurricane, and a redneck divorce have in common?
Somebody's gonna lose their trailer.
If you’re not part of the solution,
you're part of the precipitate.
My wife asked if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm
Why has the U.S. Surgeon General suggested to cook smoked turkey this Thanksgiving?
Because smoking is bad for your health and you should stop cold turkey.
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff
ba dum tss
I’ve developed a fetish for figuring things out.
I just came to that realization.
A man asks another man to lend him $10 until next pay day. The second man says โsure, here you go. whenโs next pay day?โ
โI donโt know, youโre the one with a jobโ
Want to hear my latest joke about the Fibonacci sequence?
It's as good as my previous two Fibonacci sequence jokes put together!
I got fired from my job at the glass factory for failing to declare my expenses.
Apparently transparency is very important to them. (I'll let myself out…)
Which side of the chicken has more feathers?
The outside.
(P+L)(A+N) = PA+PN+LA+LN
Ha! I just foiled your plan!
So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman…
…were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to appeal their sentences down to 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: โAs it is my first wifeโs birthday today, she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.โ The German was first in line; after thinking for a bit he said, โPlease tie a pillow to my back.โ This was done, but after only 10 lashes the whip had shredded the pillow. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying in pain. The Englishman was next up. After watching the German in horror he asked, โPlease tie two pillows to my back.โ This time it took 15 lashes, but once again the pillows were shredded, and the Englishman was led away bleeding and whimpering in pain. The Irishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: โYou are from the most beautiful part of the world I have ever seen. Because of this, you may have two wishes!โ โThank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness,โ the Irishman replied. โIn recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes.โ โNot only are you an honorable man from a beautiful island, you are also very brave,โ the Sheikh said with admiration. โIf 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish?โ And the Irishman said, โTie the Englishman to my back.โ
A lady dies and goes to heaven.
When she gets there, she is confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter. She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of blueberries, frosting, and tiering at every station. Finally, she sees someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "what is going on here?" The strange man replies, "everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate. The Buddhist Monk replies, "My dear, having cake is the best way to gain Karma."
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100
An absolute 10, but also imaginary.
Donโt be mad at lazy people
They didnโt do anything
“Using three words…” said my personal trainer. “How would you define your body?”
I said, "In a gym."
A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building…
He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
I called my friend and told him I put a load in his dishwasher
I also told him she wants him to clean his room
What do you use to draw baths
Water colors
A rapist, priest, and child molester walk into a bar
He orders a drink
My girlfriend has the weirdest way to start a conversation with me..
โWere you even listening to me?!โ
I have just written a book on how to fall down a staircase.
It's a step by step guide.
All my life I’ve wanted to learn how to juggle
I just never had the balls to do it
Ran into Rick Astley. He gave me his entire Pixar collection, except one of them.
He started dancing and said, "Never gonna give you 'Up'."