Unintentional Drifting
Today I told my girlfriend her eyebrows were drawn too high
She seemed surprised.
A policeman stoped me today and asked for my license.
He said: “It says here that you should be wearing glasses." I said: “Well, I have contacts." The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Donald Trump and his role as the President. The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, Donald Trump is like a 'Post Tortoise'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise." The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with."
I bought my teenager candles for his room.
It’s pretty lit.
If I had to rate the Solar System
I would give it one star
What do you call a deer wearing an explosive vest?
Bombi. EDIT: Wow this blew up
Why should you just be honest to fat people?
Because if you sugarcoat the facts, they'll eat them too.
What do bees say to psych themselves up at the start of their day?
"Leeeeeetttttssss get rrrrrrrrrready to Buuuuuuummmmmmmmmmbbbbbbllllllleeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!"
The cemetery looks overcrowded
People must be dying to get there.
We’ve got a Polish sound guy
Cheque one too
Last night I sawa host of pale, emaciated figures, with haunted eyes that showed the agony of living death.
It was my first time in a vegan restaurant.
Why does Dwayne Johnson sleep under a pile of magazines?
Because paper covers rock!
All these shelter in place protests, the signs all say the same thing…oh Karen….
https://ift.tt/2yrl65k
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet
Cause they lactose
My wife divorced me so I took her wheelchair…
Guess who came crawling back?
KID: “Dad, make me a sandwich!”
DAD: "Poof, you’re a sandwich!”
A clean joke walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Welcome to /r/CleanJokes! I don’t think I’ve seen you here before.”
Clean joke replies, "Don't worry. Within a week or two, I'll be a regular here!"
Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college.
I don't think I can ever repay you.
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great,
but on the other, it’s just not right.
If I got a nickel for every time I had sex
My pimp would beat my ass
Doctor! Doctor! My husband just got admitted to this hospital with involuntary butt spasms, where is he?
ICU baby, shakin' that ass!
I don’t mind breakfast in bed
…but I prefer it in a bowl.
The Lord said unto John, “Come forth and receive eternal life.”
But alas John came fifth, so he won the toaster.
