“Unmatched wisdom”
My wife said this sub is nothing but the same recycled crap over and over.
She is so wrong so I told her to check my history. My last post here says otherwise.
My son loves my Delorean
So I let him drive it from time to time
Me running my code again without changing anything expecting it to suddenly compile
https://ift.tt/3bpzR73
Are you the enemy of my enemy?
Asking for a friend.
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?
Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
When a woman is giving birth she is literally kidding.
No text found
I decided to try something new and get my wife a box of red hot chili peppers for Valentines
she told me "give it away, give it away, give it away NOW" !
Why don’t you hear psychiatrists when they go to the bathroom?
The p is silent.
Two conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can't tell me that's a coincidence
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.
She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself." Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do…he's in too far."
I wanted to name our son Miles but my wife thought we should go with something more universally accepted.
So we named him Kilometers
How do you clickbait someone?
No text found
My girlfriend broke up with me so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back to me.
I googled how to start a wildfire…
It came up with a couple thousand matches.
A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.
He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.” He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.” Once again he thanked her. He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.” He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold. She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.” “No, I wouldn’t,” he said. She said, “I sell tampons.” With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard. She said, “See, I knew you would laugh.” “That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you!”
Man is at a job interview
Interviewer: Well, to start out in the beginning, you will be at a $30,000 salary, but later that number could go up to $50,000 or even $60,000. Man: Ok, I’ll come back later then.
My ex- rapper friend decided to stop his gardening business because he was really careless with his tools.
He has hoes in different area codes.
Why is 1 = 0 ??
Cos 0 = 1
Walls of youth
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father took an outing to a shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, 'What is this Father?' The father responded, 'Son,I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.' While the boy and his father were watching with amazement,a fat old lady in a motorized cart moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. The doors opened and a young blonde stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son….. 'Go get your Mother'
“Hey dad. Have you seen my sunglasses?”
“I don’t know. Have you seen my dad glasses?”
Make sure to lift your left foot up at midnight tonight.
Start 2020 off on the right foot.
An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard…
He sits down and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?" "Yeah, a costume party." the man answers. "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life." "But you look like Abe Lincoln!" protests the bartender. "That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."
What do women and grenades have in common?
Take the ring off and the house is gone
I bought my friends an elephant for their room. They said: “Thank you.”
I said: “Please don’t mention it.”
My professor accused me of plagiarizing
His words, not mine.
*Hits Blunt*
Blunt: Hey what the fuck man
You can accuse virgins of a lot of things
But when it comes to relationships, they ain't fucking around.
When is bedtime at Michael Jackson’s house?
When the big hand touches the little hand.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes
But it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut.