Unnecessary
I call my penis ‘The Truth’.
Sometimes it hurts and most women can't handle it.
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
I asked the doctor if I could administer my own anaesthetic…
He said, “Go ahead. Knock yourself out!”
Want to hear a word i just made up?
Plagiarism. I just made up that word.
Why didn’t the lifeguard rescue the hippie?
Because he was too far out man.
I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins….
….I was about to run straight home to tell the wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden in the first place.
2019: stay away from negative people
2020:stay away from positive people
Having children really brought my wife and I closer together.
Now we have a common enemy.
Son: “Dad, did you know that in some cultures, you don’t get to know your wife until after your married?”
Dad: “Son, it’s that way in every culture.”
Your momma’s so fat…
I tried to picture her in my head and it broke my neck.
I dont own this joke. But i havent forgotten about it for five years.
Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?" Father: "Sure son. What's the question?" Son: "What is Politics?" Father: "Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Capitalism". your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her "Government". We take care of your need, so let's call you "The People". We'll call the maid "The Working Class" and your little brother, we can call "The Future". Do you understand son? Son: "I'm not really sure, dad. I'll have to think about it." That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father. Son: "Dad, now I think i understand what politics is." Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?" Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit."
Poop jokes aren’t my favorite kind of jokes.
But they are a solid number two.
The best armor for sneaking is leather armor.
Because it's made of hide
A man goes for confession …
The priest says “Tell me son why are you here” “Well father , during the war , I hid a Jewish family in my attic and saved them from certain death.” the man replied. The priest taken aback replies , “Well son this is a rather noble act that the lord would be proud of , why are you here at confession? “ “Well father , I charged them rent to stay in my attic.” the man replied. “This is not right son , we should help others without asking anything in return , this is the true Christian way” the priest replied. The man replied , “ Well in that case should I tell them that the war is over ? “
What’s the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language
Why did the farmer keep forgetting where he left his pigs?
He suffered from hamnesia.
If they call sex with three people a threesome and sex with four people a foursome…
then I see why they call you handsome!
I used to be addicted to soap
But I'm clean now
Did you heard about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates.
Male anatomy isn’t the same as female anatomy.
In fact, there’s a Vas Deferens.
I’m a big fan of whiteboards.
I find them quite re-markable.
A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray and asked the assistant, “Is this good for wasps?”
He said, “No, it kills them.”
Is Google male or female?
Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
What has 3 arms and 4 legs?
My son's shitty drawing of a snake
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
A limbo champion walked into a bar.
He was disqualified.
I recently found out the medical name for Viagra
Mycoxaflopin
Name calling does not a president make. He has the mentality of a spoiled child.
https://ift.tt/38EQkmd
After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough,…
…as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me". "Trust me," said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1" "2" "3" "4" "5" At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.
Why did the slave go to college?
So he could pickup his Master's degree.
Me: I’m afraid of the vertical axis.
Therapist: Why? Me: Screams
What do we want? Race car noises. When do we want them?
NYYYYOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW
this ad….
https://ift.tt/2MOD46q
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it is cheaper.
Dog 1: “I’m sad, tell me a joke.” Dog 2:”OK, knock, kn…”
They both run to the door barking wildly.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
Never tell a secret in a cornfield
There are too many ears
I have a russian friend who’s a sound engineer.
And a Czech one too, and a Czech one too.
An English man and an Irish man are driving head-on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast
for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fetches a 12-year-old bottle of whiskey. He hands the bottle to the Irish man, who exclaims,'' may the Irish and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The Irish man then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Englishman, who replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here!''
