Unnecessary and incorrectly used
Which part of the body is the last to die?
Pupils, coz they dilate.
What’s the difference between inlaws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
Did you know that fully grown deer don’t like melted cheese?
But their fawn do
My chemistry teacher asked me what’s an acid + base.
A good party wasn't the correct answer, apparently.
The best thing about Japanese porn is they censor it,
so I can watch it with my family.
It’s surprising flat earthers are still using money.
You’d think they’d have concern over it making the world go round. EDIT: Thanks for the silver kind stranger! It’s made my world go round.
Son: “Dad, I fell in love and want to date this girl”
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister." The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later: Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!" Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister." This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!" The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"
I don’t like stand-up comedy
But I do like sitting down
Did you know a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?
Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates
They will kill your dog
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
What rock group has four guys that don’t sing?
Mt. Rushmore.
| don’t understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals.
It's pointless. But, anyway. You gotta draw the line somewhere, or else people will think you're being irrational. But that is beside the point.
I want to tell you all about a girl that only ate plants.
You've probably never heard of herbivore.
What’s it called when Batman doesn’t go to church?
Christian bail
I have a pen that can write underwater!!
It can write other words too.
I saw a man in the street with a dog and a white stick. I said ‘You must be blind.’ He said ‘Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.’
So I said ‘There’s a tree over there.’
I have a friend who was born on October 10th. Every year for his birthday I get him a 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it.
It might be stupid, but 10/10 wood post again.
Got this from my grandmother today, even had the forwarded remark on Whatsapp
https://ift.tt/2y0m0Wh
What did Sean Connery say when he saw a horse and buggy on the road?
Shomething sheemsh Amish
Jehovahs witnesses don’t celebrate halloween
I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming to their door
Knock Knock
Who’s there? Wah. Wah who? Settle down. This isn’t THAT great of a joke.
Pro tip for the kitchen. If you’re out of onions and you really need one…
Just take your opinion and subtract 3.14.
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately falls absolutely silent…..
…in a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. The bouncer is a blonde girl. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?" The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
My drug test came back negative
My dealer sure has some explaining to do..