People at the beach started freaking out though, because we didn’t cremate him.
He can’t say ‘please’ which I think is poor for four
Because its two-tired.
Female, she doesn’t let you finish your sentence before suggesting something.
OMG!!!!!! BREATHE!!!!!!!!! BREATHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They are bellow the C level.
It’s made with hole milk.
I think she's mad, because she still hasn't spoken to me.
I just need to figure out if it's my wife or girlfriend
They were made in Greece
Lovely man, lousy cabinet maker though.
Because baggers can’t be choosers.
Because no one can spot him
It was the best dam show I have ever seen.
An army man was walking by in the car park so she waved him over and said "excuse me can you help me, I've locked myself out". "Sure" he says. So he takes off his pants and rubs them against the door and as if by magic the door unlocked. "Wow" said the woman, "how did you do that?" He replies "These are my khakis".
She whispers, "You look like you could use a little fun. For $100, I'll do anything you ask me to in three words or less." The man takes a drink of his beer, then takes out $100 and says, "Paint my house."
I don’t mean to brag… but my Christmas wrapping is art. I wrap presents like it’s an extension of my soul.
It just so happens my soul is twisted, torn, and barely held together with tape.
Or at least that what page 137 figure II part B of my middle school science textbook said.
I’ll try harder in 2018.
It’s “A man ran by a campsite” because it’s past tents
He said, "Make me one with everything. "
"That's right," I answered. "I'm Dad."
A married couple of 20 years were as normal as could be, bar one little quirk the husband had in the bedroom. He'd only have sex with the lights off. The wife assumed he merely had some shame in the penile department, but she loved him, so happily obliged. An added bonus was that it felt like he was actually reasonably well-equipped downstairs, so everything was good. However, 20 years of blind sex took its toll on her and their relationship. In the middle of one of their love-making sessions, the wife dived for the lamp and turned on the light. She saw her husband with his pants on and a dildo in hand. There was a brief moment of silence, then the wife sternly stated "You have some explaining to do." The husband looked her dead in the eye and said "I'll explain this when you explain the kids".
I’ve had a stiff neck all day
Not everyone gets it
They’re charging me with tacks evasion.
someone had written the word “penis” in tiny letters. She turned around, but couldn’t find the guilty face. She quickly erased it and began her class. Tuesday, she was again greeted with “penis” on the blackboard, written in larger letters. She looked around in vain for the culprit, and then proceeded with the day’s lesson. Every morning for the rest of the week, “penis” was written on the board in larger and larger letters, and each time, the teacher furiously erased it. By Friday, she’d had enough. “That’s enough,” she sputtered. “I — I can’t believe this! Monday morning, I expect an explanation for this behavior!” On Monday morning, the teacher confidently entered the classroom and found on the board: “Don’t you know — the more you rub it, the bigger it gets?”
You'll be mist.
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter!
I almost choked on my own cock